2008

burn the books
they've got too many names and psychoses
all this incriminating evidence
would surely haunt me
if someone broke into my house

suits in the living room
do you realize guys I was born in 1986
we've got someone here to explain your publishing
we know how much you love to be in front of audiences

hopeful you are
schoolbound you are
naive you are
driven you are

take a trip to New York with your guardian
and your fake identification
when they said "is there something anything
you'd like to know young man?"
you said "Yes, I'd like to know what kind of people
I'll be dealing with"

precocious you are
headstrong you are
terrified you are
ahead of your time you are

don't mind our staring but
we're surprised you're not in a far-gone asylum
we're surprised you didn't crack up
lord knows that we would have
we would've liked to have been there
but you keep pushing us away

resilient you are
big time you are
ruthless you are
precious you are

new year

I visited "home" for the holidays (I put home in quotations because I am in that strange transitional phase in life when you are not sure what home is -- is it where you are born and raised, or is it the parent-subsidized location that you currently inhabit? Perhaps it is neither). After a few days with the family, I reunited with an old college friend on the 26th, where I drank enough to make Lindsay Lohan blush. The next morning I was married to the toilet and rediscovering Christianity. This story sounds like it's old hat, but I partied for two years in small-town Wisconsin as a college student and never once puked. I am not a puker. Something was very wrong here, especially when I couldn't keep anything down either and my mother banished me to ice chips.

It turns out that my baby cousin, who I had seen at Christmas, gave us all the stomach flu! It was a 'survival of the fittest thing', because only about half the relatives got it, and since I must have the weakest immune system of all, I was punished the worst. Conversely, my 71-year-old Army vet grandfather felt nothing.

I hate the idea of New Year's Resolutions, because five years ago I was supposed to have a driver's license and a six-pack. Instead I moved to New York City where cars are unnecessary and I still have the body of a ten-year-old. Nevertheless, here are some possible goals:

BE PRODUCTIVE. I don't want to use quanitative measures because those screw us up, but I want to finish a book this year and make sure that my blogs do not outnumber my mike appearances (I am still in Open Mike World). This is not to say that I will have a book published or end up being a MySpace/YouTube superstar, because neither one of those things are in my control -- but the effort is.

GET A REAL JOB. Because my current one hates me and only schedules me twice a week. AndtheboyIlikedwhoworkedtheremovedtoMiami. So there.

BE INVOLVED IN SCHOOL. 'Cause right now I'm just hangin' out, gettin' my feet wet, not sure if it's my 'thing' or not, and I'm too old to be doing that. So it's workworkwork for the next few years, and when I graduate I can always lie about my age.

BE POSITIVE. Because nobody likes that emo kid who hates you, himself, and everything around him.

FORGIVE MYSELF FOR NOT LOOKING LIKE CHANNING TATUM. Because I am adorable, dammit.

Happy New Year to all.

Dare I...

...Go to the club by MYSELF tomorrow? (It's campus night, so free with college ID and $3 Long Island Iced Teas). Will go if only all of my chores are done and I promptly pre-game before at the comedy club.

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

The boy that I really like? HE IS MOVING. And even though he is straight anyway, I like the way that he talks to me, and I am going to miss him and I am never going to see him again and he probably won't even remember me! I have to do my stupid homework that I keep delaying and now I'm not going to get any sleep! I HATE MY LIFE!

Love always,
Jakey

----

Here's the sad thing:

I could have written this at either 14 or 21. Some things will never change.

In other news, I have decided that antidepressants to me are like religion -- I'm sure I need it, but I am too stubborn and cowardly in the end.

Heckled in Herald

I got heckled today
in Herald Square

It has happened so many times before
In Minneapolis and surrounding areas
And in Menomonie Wisconsin
And it will undoubtedly happen again

I just did not think
It could ever happen
In Herald Square
In the middle of Manhattan
In the middle of a city of 8 million
Where everyone has a dream
And we are all God's people

I live in a quote unquote black neighborhood
In South Flatbush Brooklyn
My first month here
I was afraid
Of them being afraid
I was waiting for it
Waiting for the catcalls
Waiting for the words
They never came
Because people really don't care

And when I walked south to Midwood Brooklyn
And met the racist 90-year-old lady
I realized we are all God's people
And why should I be afraid
And my neighbors are my neighbors
Kumbaya

It is a double-edged sword
Because if I was not that way
Well I would not have been Jakey
I would not have been The Diva
I would not have been in a posse of six attractive girls
I would not have had The UW
Whitey and I would not have been The Odd Couple
If I was not this way
My humor
Would not come from that place

But if I was not that way
I would not have to deal with this shit
Time and time again
I would not have to lower my voice ten octaves on the phone
To avoid being called ma'am or Mrs. xxxxxx

Famousphere Boy
I don't know what to say
"I'll fly you out here
You can meet agents"
"I miss you"
"I wish you were here"

Sorry kid
I'm not confident anymore
And I know it's all about who you know
But I want to feel that whatever I get
I will have earned

I am too squeamish
For Grey's Anatomy

I am so getting fired
From the Banana

Am I

I am not going to say I killed
Because I have only been doing this for two months
And to say that invites all kinds of bad karma

I will say that the audience was AWESOME
It is always interesting when there is a gay in the room
The people after you go "I'm so homophobic -- oh wait, not you"
But it's okay
'Cause it's FUNNY
In a real way

Am I making any sense
Am I sounding like just a fanboy

They told me to come back
But I was up there for six minutes
I feel I pulled out my entire arsenal
I did everything
I did the Jakey not Jake routine
I did the IBS routine
I did the Banana Republic routine
I did the Brooklyn routine
I did the homophobia vs racism routine
I did the getting literally picked up at the club routine

Oh my god
I am going to have to come up with new stuff
I only come up with new stuff in the shower
And there is a problem with the drain right now

I am realizing
It is not about the famousphere
As much as it is about the art
And I know how pretentious that is going to sound
But it's true

I would much rather
Do this for a few years
And then be on TV
As opposed to being the Leave Britney Alone boy

He got a talent agent
A week before I went onstage
That was the fire
There cannot be another skinny blonde girly boy making it big
I have to be the only one

My brother watches Joel Osteen
He says to celebrate yourself not compare
Perhaps the world is big enough for the both of us

Am I bipolar

Today in New York

I was SO productive -- and the night ended with a rather stellar performance at The Laugh Lounge, if I say so myself!

WTF

Apparently my Wells Fargo debit card got charged $100 for purchases made at a Walgreens in Miami, but I have never been to Miami and my card has been here the whole time. HMMM ...

In the Dark

The light in my living room is burned out and my lamp won't work. I feel like a bat.

Saturday Night Ramblings

I just don't feel ANYTHING
Maybe I am tired and need electrolytes
Hooray purple Vitamin Water

Microsoft Word is blank
It's been that way for the past few years now
I always end up writing fake interviews of myself
And that is something a 10-year-old would do

The Banana is what it is
I suck at folding
But I'm okay at talking to people
And I like that I have a headset

To pay for stuff all by myself is my new year's resolution
And maybe gaining five pounds of solid muscle

Yesterday there were children running around in my sales racks
And they did not speak English
And I am bad with children
My co-worker tried in his New York accent
"Kids! Be cayful! Ya'll kill yaselves"

I do not like my accent
I sound like Frances McDormand in Fargo
The kids in acting class make fun of it and I think it is karma
Because in middle school we had a new kid from Queens and I would always make fun

These things are like bad SNL sketches
I never know how to end them
So there you go

Today in New York

I went to class
And then got a haircut
for $14
in Chelsea

Worth it and more
Channing Tatum's twin brother was there
People were nice and not judgmental
And the most important thing is
That my faux mullet is now gone

Still nervous about work tomorrow
But it's gonna be okay
Hopefully someone helps me put my belt on
It is kind of ridiculous that I can't do it myself
Maybe I will ask a nice old lady on the subway

I HATE PHILOSOPHY
But I must pass it
Erin loves it and I don't get it
I don't want to think about how I think
I just want to think

Happy thanksgiving to you and yours

Queer Film Blogathon Entry: Trick

The following entry is a part of the Queering the Apparatus Queer Film Blogathon

When I first heard of the Queer Blogathon courtesy of StinkyLulu, I was both excited and apprehensive. At first glance, "queer cinema" was a term that is much like "chick lit" -- not a term that is degrading per se, but one that labelizes a medium based on only one aspect of it. But once I saw the original announcement, I believed that a goal of this project is to prove the versatility that cinema can offer when presenting gay themes. So while I am sure there will be many riveting entries about films with great political impact, I chose to blog about a film that I saw when I was twelve years old, a film that, by being so blatantly apolitical and free of issues, showed me more about what it means to be gay than any Logo movie of the week ever could ...


Trick (1999), directed by Jim Fall
Starring Christian Campbell, JP Pitoc and Tori Spelling

On paper, the plot of Trick is silly -- almost ridiculous. Gabriel (Campbell) is a cute but nerdy aspiring playwright who encounters an attractive go-go-boy, Mark (Pitoc), on the subway in Manhattan.



The two spend an entire night in Manhattan trying to find a place to have a one-night stand. Surprisingly, the film ends up not being about sex but about an emotional connection between an unlikely pair, as well as presenting a cavalcade of characters, ranging from stereotypical older piano bar queens, reformed gay Christians, drunken party boys, and various aspiring theater whores.

It is strange to think a film with such an ostensibly shallow plot would have such impact on a questioning 12-year-old --



after all, the first shot of JP Pitoc's gargantuan pectoral muscles let me know I was at least bisexual -- but subtle choices by the screenwriter prevent the film from being just a gay movie.

Case in point: Gabriel's roommate, Rich, is straight. While Rich is a buffoon and there is a sense that the film argues straight men are dumb as rocks, it is also a powerful thing to contain a scene in which Gabriel and Rich are in the bathroom, flipping a coin to decide who gets the apartment to have sex that night (Gabriel with Mark and Rich with his girlfriend returning from Paris). Their sexual orientations are different, but they both have a common interest, as well as a respect for each other. Compare this to a recent comedy series on Logo, in which any time one of the characters has to even TALK to a heterosexual, panic and chaos ensue.





But if the film is to have any queer sensibility, it is an actressexual's dream. Tori Spelling surprisingly knocks out of the park her role as Catherine, the neurotic aspiring actress who is hopelessly in love with her gay best friend -- never on screen will there be a more hilarious monologue about cheese fries. It is a fun, fearless performance, as if an agent told her to find a role that was the furthest thing away from either Donna Martin or her various TV-movie roles.


In the role of Rich's ditsy, free-spirit girlfriend, Lorri Bagley achieves the funniest scene in the movie. Having just had reunion sex with Rich and with her breasts in full display, she announces her dream of being a sex therapist while attempting to repair a rift between Mark and Gabriel. With her exotic looks and coquettish voice to boot, Bagley does the most with a small part.





Finally, one would be remiss to omit the performance of Miss Coco Peru -- it's one of the meatiest parts for a drag queen this side of To Wong Foo. Coco Peru is the true diva of the movie, and also the catalyst as she is the one who plants the seed of doubt in Gabriel's mind about Mark, and when she is proven to be the only villain of the film, it's another cliche turned on its ear.



Nearly ten years later, I still remember how I felt viewing this movie: the sadness I felt when the bitchy friend I watched it with announced, "You'll never have pecs like that" as Gabriel doffs his shirt at the nightclub; my heart melting when Mark and Gabriel clandestinely hold hands while sitting at a 24-hour diner; the wonder I had, wondering what life would be like when *I* would be in my twenties and gay. I have yet to date a go-go boy, but I did move to New York City and began my own fake career as an aspiring entertainer. The other ways the film mirrors my life (my first roommate was his own version of Rich, I never did get pecs like Christian Campbell, and one of the only people I currently know in NYC is an older man who likes piano bars) is still surprising.

While Trick may not be a film with great social or political impact, it was my first "gay movie", and the first work of art I viewed as an adolescent that let me know that it was okay to be gay. And in a world where married men solicit sex in airport bathrooms, I think that's enough.

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WILL & GRACE BLOOPERS

LIVE TV DEBUT

"RESPECT"
PANEL DISCUSSION OF TEEN ISSUES
TONIGHT'S TOPIC: THE OVERLY INDEPENDENT TEENAGER

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 14TH LIVE ON CHANNEL 34 IN MAHATTAN
OR ONLINE AT WWW.MNN.ORG
TUESDAY 8 PM EST

Doubt is a Seed

I told them I was leaving Stout
I was going to live in my room
Showed up with a legal contract
I was going to pay rent

They looked at me
With that look of scorn and disappointment
That I have become so used to

I got accepted to a school in New York
I told them I was going
It was my only way out

Summer 2007
Was even worse than '06
I felt like a prisoner
21 years old in a first-ring suburb
Skyline in the backyard

Alas I had no driver's license
Yes I failed the damn test four times
But I should have done that at 16
Not 20

They will never understand my anger
They will never know what it did to me
Demeaned and dehumanized
I am just oversensitive and whiny
And such an asshole
I get it

I will get over it someday
That when I was 16 and on Paxil
My mother had to win the game of Scratch My Back
It is what it is

A week before I left
My father asked me
"Are you even excited to go?"
I told him no
But that I had to

Doubt is a seed
When it gets planted
It spurts like an angry plant

My first months in New York City
I was all alone
In the most literal sense

No one to wake me up
And I was missing school
Couldn't find a job
I was trying but not hard enough

They said I was sad and pathetic
That I was squandering a very good thing
That I better get my shit together
Because you cant do anything without a degree these days

I regrouped and re-evaluated
Decided that I wanted it
Talked to an advisor
Faced the music
Fixed the situation

Enter Loretta
"You should move to Uptown Minneapolis"
"You are just playing house"
"Are you doing this for the right reasons"

And the seeds
Continue to be planted

I wish I could go for one week
Knowing what it is I want
Just seven days
Of knowing for certain

Whatever is done
Must be done for me
And no one else

I told her to stop paying the rent
Even though I have no money
I have to find a way to do it

Because it's not working

Shameless Plug and other News

I had a meeting on Friday that puts my academic career at, I would say, 80% saved ... But I have to do a lot of kissing up and kowtowing, including an e-mail to my music professor that I think I will write tomorrow, with or without the aid of vodka.

Loretta is here. She was upset with me because I slept until 4 while she cleaned, but then we saw a play at the school after an excursion to the laundromat. It will be okay.

My job interview on Friday was postponed to Monday, because I am a dumb-ass and always try to catch the 4 at Franklin instead of staying on the 2 to Atlantic, and it is a recipe for disaster.

Oh, and on Tuesday, I'M ON TV!!! If you are in Manhattan, you can see me on Channel 34 at 9 PM EST, but if you are not in manhattan you can go to mnn.org and click on Channel 34 to watch it on Windows Media Player. We will be discussing teen issues and if teenagers are overly independent or overly co-dependent, and I will be going on and on about how much of a screw-up job my parents did while my mother is standing 20 feet away. Hmm ...

God Has Stopped Whispering

"The world is very loud, and God whispers." -Wynonna Judd when appearing on Oprah
"That's a good quote" - Whitey, who was in the room at the same time while I was pretending I couldn't find the remote

"ask god
listen" - Rosie O'Donnell on her ask ro section, answering a difficult question from a fan

Today I am to meet with an academic advisor, one that had I met on the first day of classes, perhaps things would have been a lot different. I am currently on the fence as to whether or not I will save my academic career -- or if even can be saved. I have been flip-flopping by the hour.

My irritable bowel syndrome came back at the same time, and if you believe in mind-body connection, you would understand that this is not a coincidence. Sparing the grisly details, this involves a lot of toilet-flushing. A LOT. And at 4:35 this morning, my toilet decided that it could not take anymore, and decided to overflow and flood.

I quickly sprang to action, and despite the fact that I had no towels because I am a lazy-ass and haven't laundered them in too long, I used a plethora of paper towels and I cleaned up the mess. This is a sign! I told myself. This is God telling me that sometimes our lives give us messes, but if we have the strength we CAN clean them up! Never has anyone been so gleeful to clean a bathroom, and for half an hour I rehearsed telling this story to some non-believers some day, like I could be my very own Joel Osteen.

Then I went back to the toilet, thinking the problem had been "fixed", when it flooded again. My online research told me I need a plunger. I don't have a plunger. I don't have the funds to call a 24-hour plumber. Then a centipede as big as a Buick crawled across the wall, and I killed it with long-range roach spray like a shootist in an action film, but by God did that fucker die a slow death. I almost feel bad.

I really wrote this just to kill time, because I don't want to call my landlady at 5:40 in the morning and feel I should wait until at least six. But now I feel like my whole epiphany was wasted, because even though I cleaned up the mess the first time, I didn't have it in me to clean it up the inevitable second time. What if that was the message? Why am I basing my major life decisions by using my toilet as a metaphor? What happens when I have to poop again? Why me?

All of My Bullshit Excuses

1. I'm too depressed. Well, I'm not depressed anymore, but clinically you could argue I was during that first month.

2. I'm not suicidal anymore either, but you could argue I was that first month too, and that takes a lot out of a person.

3. I think I have narcolepsy. No, really.

4. My IBS totally came back. Dr. Don would say it's not a coincidence.

5. In November of 2005, I entertained the idea of not returning to Stout after the third semester. When I chose to stay to finish sophomore year, it was because I wasn't ready to leave the people, and while I don't regret that decision, those months from January to May were also some of the darkest I ever had. What I am trying to say is that I really "checked out" about a year ago, in more ways than one.

6. In my mind, it was my only way out of Dodge.

7. I really didn't think it was gonna be that hard. I mean, I get it, school is hard. But I didn't know how lonely I would feel. I didn't know how the homey feel of UW-Stout, with its on-campus housing and on-site athletics and plethora of local businesses, would so greatly differ from City University of New York Brooklyn College, a commuter campus where people go to class for two hours, go back home, and ... that's it. No smiles and no hellos. I didn't know that I would not make any friends. I didn't know that I would get shushed when I would ask for directions. I didn't know that anything registration-related had more red tape than FEMA. I didn't know that by the time I knew who would hold my hand, it would be too late. I didn't know that it was not a coincidence that from eighth grade to my fifth semester in college, the only time interval in which I was actually successful and GOT MY ASS OUT OF BED AND WENT TO CLASS AND GOT A'S was when I was living with a strange boy from Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin who would shake my bunk in the morning and turn on CMT to get me going by 9:00. He had a birthday yesterday, by the way. Happy birthday, Whitey.

8. If I could do those first two months over again, I totally would. But I can't, and I can no longer do the "If I close my eyes it will all go away" routine so greatly used by my mother, who learned it from her mother, who I have no doubt learned it from hers. So this is the part when I face the music, when I talk to the registrars, tell them to either let me withdraw now or go halfsies for the rest of the semester, because it was all an illusion. And the illusion that I, who never worked hard in school a day in my life, could be a prestigious full-time student, that the illusion that I could actually amount to anything, the illusion that I could be worth all of the money and the hype, the illusion that I could actually function as an adult, has been thoroughly debunked.

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Viral Vendredi: RIP The Fabulous Moolah

In memory of The Fabulous Moolah, who died at the age of 84. The following is a match she had on her 80th birthday, as promised to her by Vince McMahon -- and while the ending may seem in poor taste, it's a testament that at her age she loved taking "bumps" and being involved in high-profile angles.

So Much for the Afterglow

November 2006
On the way back
From Chippewa Falls
One of the best nights of my life

I felt like a real person
I loved how I was not a jock
Not a Republican
Not from Wisconsin
Not like them at all
And yet it didn't matter

It was four of us in the car
And then down to two
He is driving me home
Ben Folds is playing

I am in the back seat
Like a child
Story of my life

He always made me smile
And it wasn't a crush thing
Like I may have loved him
But if I did it was as a person
Y'know

"Jakey where are you living next year"
"I'm not quite sure"
"Are you even gonna go here next year"
"I'm not quite sure"

"You're not sure about a lot of stuff, are you, Jakey?"

Ooh I remember we could talk about anything
I remember when we used to want to hang out
I remember when we could talk about anything
I remember when we used to want to hang out
I remember when we could talk about anything
I remember when we used to want to hang out

Windy City

It is very windy this morning
In Brooklyn
I have no sweatshirts
Shivering like a Chihuahua
Life goes on

I will get employed this week
As if my life depends on it

My partner in music class hates me
And rightfully so
I believe it is proof
That this college thing
It's just not for me

I just don't have it in me
To work work work for two or three more years
And for what
A BFA does not get you work right away
Not in the same way that a business degree does

I told Loretta that I don't want to come home for Christmas
That I feel it's as if I am coming back pregnant
She told me it is like the equivalent

They are convinced I will somehow change my mind
But the damage is done
I made the decision a month ago
By not showing up
It's okay

"I don't want to get into it right now"
"We'll talk later"
My mother has hated my guts since I was 14
That comment is so completely unfair
But it is what it is

My girls from The UW
Are feuding profusely
In the movie in my mind
I decided to stay
As roommate #7
And I fix everything
Continue to be the glue

Bill O'Reilly sent his 12-year-old cameramen
To Rosie O'Donnell's book signing
Just to give her shit
I am more upset about it than she is
Not sure if that's logical

Grandma Shirley's opinion
Is the only one that hurts me

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Both the best and worst soap storyline ever!



And don't forget to watch the special marathon Sunday night on SoapNet!

Page Six

Apparently I made Page Six today:

CW STAR CONTINUALLY 'ADRIFT'

Rumors have it that Jakey, who famously spun off from The UW to star in Adrift in New York, will not be returning to his new college after one semester. "He hasn't been showing up to class," our source spills. "He's constantly been skipping." Our source claims that while Jakey doesn't have an alcohol problem has been speculated, the star has been battling with depression and a sleep disorder. But our source also shares some juicy background: "I don't think Jakey ever really cared about school, anyway. He just transferred because he knew it was his only way out." Jakey's publicist, E.E. McCloskey, would only cryptically offer, "Jakey's life continues to be in a transitional phase."

jeans

I bought my first pair of jeans today. Well, three, because I am NOT going to use a KMart fitting room. I don't think KMart even has fitting rooms.

It's all for a potential job, because I need to pay my own rent.

There's a first time for everything.

Just Treat Me For Who and What I Am

Eight years ago yesterday, Joanie Laurer became the first (and to date, only) female WWE Intercontinental Champion.

It's funny when I think about her. Not ha-ha funny, but a very sad funny. I idolized her at a time in my life in which I was very lost and confused as to who I was and when I was very easily defeated. Chyna influenced me because she overcame adversity, both real and fictional, and was celebrated for being different among her peers. I even did my eighth grade History Day project on her because the theme was Pioneers in History. Other kids did their projects on Bill Gates, Albert Einstein, and Susan B. Anthony. I did mine on the Ninth Wonder of the World.

Of course, Chyna later became a caricature of herself, and left the WWE in 2001. It is debatable whether or not she is better known for her accomplishments in wrestling or for the deformed genitalia she put on display in an ill-advised sex tape. She may not have been able to conquer her demons, but she became a very unlikely inspiration for a gawky, misguided gay 14-year-old to conquer his.

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The most soaptastic clip ever!

frank & postsecret

originally written last night:

went to the postsecret book signing today
in chelsea
it was unreal
as it was proof
that we are all connected

one of frank's secrets is in the first book
i will not say which one
but it's one of the saddest
he said he found it made him stronger
and he would relive the experience again

"an act of courage is contagious" he told us
god bless him and his strength
and everybody else and their acts of courage

sent a few more resumes tonite
will probs do target after all
it will be a busy day tomorrow
but it is friday

i am sober tonight
on a thursday
not used to it
but it's going to be okay

My Comedy Debut

Last night in Chelsea, I went to a show called The Happy Hour and a Half and did five minutes of stand-up comedy! Stand-up comedy is something that I always wanted to do, but I would say "Oh, I'm going to do comedy" in the same way I would say "Oh, I'm going to join a gym." I never did it in Minneapolis, but once I arrived in NYC, I decided to join the literal millions of OTHER aspiring comics.

I performed in front of about six other people ... but they were the best six people anybody could ever have for their first audience! They are all actual working comedians, so it was a big honor for them to laugh at my stuff and they even gave me some pointers about the social networking aspect of NYC comedy after the show; one of them even said, "If we didn't think you were funny, we wouldn't be talking to you right now." Hooray!

You would think I'd be inspired, but then today I stayed in bed all day and missed the CUNY Proficiency Exam. Oops! But perhaps that was my 'rock bottom' moment, and tomorrow I will be in French I bright and early at 9:15, and on Friday I am going to suck up my pride and apply at Target, because some money is better than no money, and you know I love to wear red.

Peace out,

Jakey

To My Girls

Our second season was truly glorious and memorable. I am sorry that I was living a double life during it. I know that I could have told you, and that you would have been there for me. I am sorry that my memories of Season Two cannot be one hundred percent blissful. But I hope someday you know that while it was both the best and the worst time of my life, it was you girls that made it the first one.

Love,
Your Former Costar

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KATE WINSLET



From "The Late Show with David Letterman" whilst promoting The Holiday

Happy Birthday, Neve!

When I was just diving into adolesence and had a brief stint in heterosexuality, I was going to marry Neve Campbell, after seeing her cheering in the back seat of a convertible as it ran a red light, followed by marvelling at her ability to evade serial killers on multiple occasions, and perhaps most warmly, commit murder, have three-way sex and be the sole survivor of South Florida.. My best friend at the time was in love with Sarah Michelle Gellar, and for our birthdays and half-birthdays we would make each other montages of our fake lovers. The one he made me for my 13th birthday still adorns my old bedroom in Minneapolis.

Neve is now 34, on her second marriage, and allegedly still working. She will always be my first ... something.

As for who she was replaced with, that's later this month, kids.

Get Well Soon

John Cena has been stripped of the WWE Championship after sustaining a pec injury last night during his match against Ken Kennedy. His 13-month reign was the longest in company history since Hulk Hogan from 1984-1988.

Even though no one reads this, and especially no one named John Cena reads this, Adrift in New York sends him get well wishes anyway.

Viral Vendredi

AN ACOUSTIC VERSION OF THE OFFICIAL THEME SONG OF SEASON 2 OF "THE UW"
NOW AVAILABLE ON DVD

This Weekend in New York

had a wonderful (albeit dramatic) weekend with Diva! She flew in on Friday to visit Amy, and the plan was for the two of them to do tourist-y stuff that day, and for the three of us to party on Saturday, and I fully planned on being an Asian sandwich and enjoying it.


At about 2 A.M. Friday night/Saturday morning, Diva was texting me saying she was bored at this lounge Amy had taken her to, and that Amy wouldn't leave and was getting more and more drunk (Diva has learned the hard way that her and alcohol are as good of a combo as me and algebra and therefore avoids it). I don't want to get into the extent of their feud because i was not there for it, but I will offer that when I went out with Amy, we had a third person with us, and when Amy did run off somewhere it wasn't as stressful. Regardless, Diva ended up taking a yellow cab from midtown Manhattan to my south central Brooklyn apartment at 4 in the morning.

The next day, we went to Borough Hall for some real Brooklyn pizza, napped, and then went TO THE CLUB! I wasn't sure what club was the best to go to, so I talked to my friend Felix. Felix is a thirtysomething guy who lives in New York City and I met him on a now-defunct online community a few years ago, when I was a teenager -- they don't exist anymore, but back then there were gay chat rooms where people would go to actually talk. He recommended a few clubs that were "girl-friendly" (meaning they're gay bars but girls don't get looked at like they farted in church). My rule of clubbing is as long as the group is three or more, I can go to any kind of club, but when I'm with just Diva, then I prefer a gay or mixed club because otherwise I have to spend the whole night cock-blocking and pretending I'm her boyfriend.

So, Diva and I ventured onto the 2 train in order to find one of the more famous Manhattan clubs, but because I am an idiot, the address was copied down wrong, and we were adrift in New York! We stopped at a McDonald's to eat and pee (not at the same time), and went through a subway underpass. On the way up, we were right outside of a gay bar! Diva and I are both very fate-oriented people, so we were convinced it was a sign of God and that we were meant to be at this bar. These feelings faded when we found out the cover charge was $20! But we still enjoyed ourselves, as I felt very fancy drinking absolut citron on the rocks, Diva got tactfully hit on by a lesbian, and I discussed politics with a shirtless hard-bodied Asian fella. In the truest miracle of the evening, we managed to get home safely and swiftly on the 4 AM subway!

(The boy I discussed politics with texted me this afternoon and at first I was going to serve, but then I realized that I do need clubbing buddies even though my financial situation won't allow me to do that for about a month anyway. Oh, the priorities of my life)

On Sunday, we had lunch at Planet Hollywood and then went to Toys 'R' Us to ride the ferris wheel, which I sadly had been anticipating ever since I found out Diva was going to visit. The Toys 'R' Us ferris wheel is like my thing that everyone that visits me has to go through. Every car is a certain toy or character, and I just know that when my father visits, we are going to end up in either the Barbie car or The Little Pony car, and it will be the best souvie pic ever! It was a busy Sunday afternoon, so Diva and I had to share the Toy Story car with two little girls. I quickly warned them that there was no switching seats and swinging the car. The 7-year-old girl, Sierra, was having her birthday and also, in a small world, celebrated it at the same restaurant we were at; her 11-year-old sister was scared of heights and mad at Sierra for rocking the car. Nevertheless, they were very nice young girls, although they did look at me strangely when I asked them to Facebook me.

Monday morning I had French class, and gave Diva the keys to my apartment after our Luigi's Pizza lunch that I had in between classes. I got home at 1:40, and at 1:50 the cab came to drive her to JFK airport. I walked upstairs and called Erin, and thank God Erin did not answer the phone and I quickly got distracted, because otherwise I would have had my first official New York cry. I was very sad when Diva left; not because I wasn't going to see her ever again or anything, but save for the time Eva stopped by the apartment and we went out for dinner, or the night I had with Amy and Jocelyn, I haven't interacted with anybody in the city, and I don't have any friends here, and I don't say that as a martyr or anything, but it is the reality of the situation. What I am trying to say is that, before Diva's visit, I was seriously fine with that -- but for the past two days I actually had somebody in my apartment, I had a reason to shut the door when I went to the bathroom, I had somebody to look at in the morning, I had somebody to do my belt so I could finally wear it since I have the fine motor skills of a pre-schooler. I suppose that having two days of companionship and then having it so swiftly taken away is a harder blow than not having any companionship at all.

Speaking of companionship, Amy and Diva "broke up", which is sad and selfishly awkward on my behalf (although Diva gave me blessing to pursue a friendship with Amy). I'm not gonna speak a lot about it because it's not my issue, but I will say that Diva is the only person in the world that is more impulsive and stubborn than I am.

Coming up on Adrift in New York:

Two job excursions!
Frankie Pitrellis galore!
And a possible major academic decision!

Viral Vendredi

D'LO BROWN with mark henry vs. JEFF JARRETT with owen hart & debra

And a WWE superstar makes their debut ...

Today in New York

Today in New York ...

...I was actually on time for French class! This is because I thought there was a test today, but it turns out the test has been moved to Monday. Sweet life. Karma bit me in the ass because the whole time I was silently laughing at everyone for being stupid, and then when it was my turn to read out loud the answer, "Ils parlent le francais", it turns out I didn't read the sentence balloons carefully enough and the correct answer was actually "Ils parlent l'espagnol", and then all of the native Spanish speakers got mad at me.

...Then I had English class, where we got our papers back, and I haven't read my comments yet because I am worried and I will wait until I get drunk. Class was boring today and the only thing I noticed is that the teacher's eyes match his greying temples.

...Then I did laundry for my two-hour break, and rocked out on my iPod to '90s pop music. "Lost in an image/in a dream/but there's no one there to wake her up." Oh, Britney.

...Then I had acting class, and the teacher wrote nice comments on my journal and said I need to have confidence, and then I got assigned my acting partner, and his name is either Brendan or Brandon, I forget, but we are doing that play that's the new version of Charlie Brown when they're all grown up and gone bad, and all I remember is that Eliza Dushku originated the Lucy role Off-Broadway.

...Then I went to Supercuts and got an AWFUL, AWFUL HAIRCUT. I hate it! But on Monday, when I went to Chelsea to get my haircut, I went home having a panic attack because there were too many salons, and maybe a really shitty chain brand haircut was what I needed to give me the courage to go to a real salon next time. Still. I look like a cueball, and he didn't even fix the neck hair so it's still almost mullety in ways, and Diva is coming this weekend and I am going to have to wear a baseball cap to the club.

...I had to take the very crowded downtown-bound trains home, and an attractive young businessman had to rush against me on the way out and I felt bad. But someone works out! And that is the only action I have got this month.

...Then I went to the liquor store where they no longer ask for my ID, and I brought a brand of vodka recommended by the store owner, and his 10-year-old son told me my card was denied. Only in New York. (And I since used a different card, so there are no worries)

...I am using the magic white card right now, but it will run out soon. If I don't have a job by next week, I ... I don't know what I'll do. Maybe I will drop out of school and become a flight attendant.

Apocalypse

Chris Crocker just signed a developmental deal, thereby ending any of my show business dreams before they started.

Well Forget all That

Yeah, forget all that fun stuff about confidence and everything, because I just had a panic attack about hair salons and left Chelsea with my awful long hair still intact. There were just too many hair salons. It was too much. I was overwhelmed. Tomorrow I will go to a SuperCuts somewhere.

Nothing Is Forever

A year ago today, an event occurred that forever changed my outlook on life. Months later, in Interpersonal Effectiveness class with Dr. Don, we all had to share a memorable experience in our lives, and amidst all of the tales of major sports victories and life-altering traumas, I shared this:



Because on September 17, 2006, Trish Stratus retired from professional wrestling. After the pay-per-view I sat outside under the clock tower, in the rain, with Mary J. Blige's "Be Without You" playing over and over on my iPod, and I bawled my eyes out. I wasn't crying just because Trish Stratus would no longer be on TV every Monday, or that the WWE Women's Division would never fully recover. No, I was crying for what the moment represented. It was that moment that made me realize that nothing lasts forever, and that our lives come in chapters. While in the back of my head I always knew I wasn't going to stay at Stout in my UW world forever, this event brought that concept out into the forefront and smacked me in the brain with it.

A year later, Trish Stratus is married, working on a comedy show on Canadian television, and preparing for a charity-based triathlon. The belt she historically held seven times is now held by Candice Michelle, a former fitness model who, like Stratus before her, was once underestimated and seen only as eye candy.

Meanwhile, UW-Stout may still have a self-professed diva whose flamboyance and sexuality does not define him as he transgresses various social structures, but that boy is no longer me, as I sit not in a Menomonie dorm room but in a messy apartment in Brooklyn, one that is funded by my mother because I am still unemployed. I am not doing well at my new school, emotionally and academically -- but I'm here, dammit, and with a little inspiration, I will get on my feet. I used to always say "Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life", but in actuality, it's today. So from now on, I am going to wake up early so I make all my classes, I am going to study, I am going to job-hunt like job-hunting is my job, and at this moment, I am off to Manhattan to find a hair salon for white boys with limited incomes.

Get that Money, Money, Yeah, Yeah

At the end of the month I WILL have a job, dammit, because I need to buy:

*DVD's of all the shows that I'm a bitch for
*Full body laser hair removal
*Ab Roller
*Airfare to Minneapolis in December (Christmas) and April (my return to The UW)

And maybe a ficus.

Viral Vendredi

COFFEE TALK WITH LINDA RICHMAN
WITH SPECIAL GUESTS MADONNA AND ROSEANNE
AND A SPECIAL CAMEO AT THE END ...

Only in New York...

... Do you see a Christian bookstore next to a sex shop (this is in Manhattan somewhere and it was by the cybercafe I used to have to frequent).

Happy Rosh Hashanah. All I know is that it's a Jewish New Year thing and I get three days off of school for it, which is very exciting for a Midwestern Gentile.

Diva is visiting in a week, which means this job hunt better yield some results ...

Viral Vendredi

So every Friday we're gonna do a little YouTube action, okay?

VIRAL VENDREDI #1



EDDIE GUERRERO vs. CHYNA
KING OF THE RING 2nd ROUND TOURNAMENT
JUNE 2000

My First Celebrity

When a Midwestern transplant relocates to an entertainment-based city such as Los Angeles or New York (and maybe even Las Vegas), they can't help but ask people a very annoying question:





"Who was your first celebrity?"





Two weeks into my stay in Brooklyn, I got my first official visit from my high school friend Eva, who was visiting a college friend of hers that was finishing up an internship at the Today show. She was a very lovely girl and answered my question without judgment. Her answer:








Vanna White, who she saw in Central Park in one of her first weeks in the city (apparently Vanna was shooting an ad for Wheel of Fortune, which is sadly one of my favorite shows). "Great," I thought to myself. "I'll never have a first celebrity sighting like Vanna White."





Last week, I was in Manhattan coming home from the cybercafe, since Dell was ruining my life. I used a cafe on 49th Street, right off of Times Square and next to the theater that does Spring Awakening. I was in a pissy mood because of extenuating circumstances in my life, and I have theorized that Times Square, where everything is grandiose, magnifies your mood no matter what it is. If you are in a positive mood, then Times Square makes you realize that you're in this great city where there is so much culture and possibility. If you are in a negative mood, Times Square makes you wonder why people have to walk so god damn slow, and why can't they have "tourist hours" so you don't have to be behind people that pace like snails, and NO I DON'T WANT TO GO ON A BUS TOUR, and NO I DON'T WANT TO GO TO A LIVE COMEDY SHOW.





I am short, so I often look up and make eye contact with taller strangers. I don't do it to scare them, it just happens that way. Lo and behold, I am in Times Square at 9;30 PM on a Saturday, and out of the corner of my eye I make contact with his steely blue eyes and his protruding upper lip, and it's a very quick look, a look that may have said "Please don't recognize me", or "Christ you're a shrimp" or "Why am I in Times Square" or "You're really too old to enjoy my movies the way you do", but whatever the look was, it was a LOOK, and my first New York Celebrity was





who, interestingly enough, before moving to New York ever crossed I mind, I dreamed about him and New York -- no, no, it wasn't that kind of dream, I was shooting a movie in New York and he had a cameo or something (I never have naughty dreams about celebrities, but often strangely familiar ones, such as the time my brother, Brad Pitt and myself dined at TGI Friday's).

And there is my story.

So my computer finally arrived today, and I'm still figuring out why I have this blog, as opposed to my more personal,"today I did laundry" blog. I've decided this blog is for people who don't really know me, and isn't meant to be very intimate or deep, but yet I should still introduce myself somehow.

In my Intro to Acting class, we had to make 30-second commercials about ourselves, and I decided to sell myself as being Inconsistent. I am inconsistent because:

*My DVD collection contains Step Up, She's The Man ... and WrestleMania 23.

*I'm pretty far left-wing, yet one of my favorite shows is The O'Reilly Factor, and one of my favorite guests is Michelle Malkin.

*I'm a buck twenty soaking wet but I will drink you under the table and then some.

Sponsors

"Adrift in New York" is NOT sponsored by Dell, the fuckers who have delayed Jakey's computer on three occasions.

Dr. Don

I should be incredibly excited. Or having a nervous breakdown. I should either be jumping up and down or sobbing my eyes out. Instead I don't feel anything. I'm just numb. Dr. Don would say it is okay, and that my awareness wheel is not as feelings-based as some other people's are, but more action-based. However, everyone that Dr. Don worked with at Rikers Island was the same way so maybe that's not always a good thing. I miss Dr. Don. I bought a card to give to him at the end of the school year but I never gave it to him. I don't know why. He gave me a B despite my awful attendance. I think he knew I had problems, because he is Dr. Don and Dr. Don has worked with broken souls for so long that he only needs to look in your eyes once to know something is up.This was supposed to be an entry about moving to New York and then it became all about Dr. Don. Maybe I will write him an e-mail someday.

Minneapolis

I wasn't going to update this thing until I officially moved, but I just want to say something about my hometown of Minneapolis in the wake of the 35-W bridge collapsing earlier this evening.

I'm horrible with directions, but even so, I realize how often I have crossed that bridge in my life. It is the bridge that goes downtown, to the Mall of America, to the airport. Literally everyone living in the metropolitan area can truthfully say they've crossed it. I keep waiting for the dreadful news that I am going to know someone who was on it, whether it is a classmate from Stout or a friend of a friend.

In a way I feel a sense of guilt, because I am leaving Minneapolis just as it is about to fight for itself, to begin a project that will likely take years (we did get a light system a few years ago, but it doesn't go to the south suburbs, perhaps the heaviest force of traffic). That said, I know that the Minneapolis/St. Paul people are resilient, helpful and caring, and those qualities will help the area recover from one of the most tragic days in Minnesota history.

Adrift in New York

COMING TO THE CW THIS FALL
AFTER THE UW