Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Things I'm Crazy About This Week

The following are things I'm crazy about this week:

1. THE OSCARS

I'm a big Oscar nerd yet I never win my Oscar pool (this year my father won with 19 correct -- I only had 13). I had the privilege this year to participate in the Supporting Actress Smackdown over at StinkyLulu.com. While Penelope Cruz was the unanaimous vote (myself included), I was glad to read all the kind words about Marisa Tomei, as I thought hers was a very subtle, nuanced performance. 'Twas a good time.

2. KIEHL'S EYE ENERGY CREAM




You can get this stuff at Nordstrom. I have been using it for the past two months and already look noticably less like I've been punched in the face. I realize the best way to combat dark circles is to get more sleep, drink less alcohol, drink more water and exercise, but what fun is that?

3. CALIFORNIA DREAMIN

Next week I am going to visit Los Angeles with my friend Diva! I am planning to wear a T-shirt that reads Tan and Buff the entire time.

4. THE SINBAD AND JAKEY SHOW




I have ventured into the world of radio and our fourth show is tonight! Stemming from the message board of wrestlingobserver.com, the Sinbad and Jakey Show is a rather eclectic mix of pro wrestling, pop culture, message board gossip and whatever callers want to discuss. A link is on the right hand corner ...

5. CHANNING TATUM



Because some things never change.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Head on Over ...

To stinkylulu.com for this year's Supporting Actress Smackdown! StinkyLulu: Supporting Actress Smackdown - 2008#links#links I finally lost my Smackdown virginity and I am in great company.

The Oscars are tonight and I am always reminded of my high school days when I hosted Oscar parties, complete with $5 pool and easel tracking the statistics. Most importantly, formal wear was REQUIRED and one year a girl came wearing sweatpants and I was just a stone cold bitch to her. Everyone was welcome and we always ended up with an eclectic group. I hope you all enjoy the show tonight.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Gays of Our Lives Part I

For this new feature in this underused blog, we will look back at recent events in my life that aren't as dramatic as I think they are. Certain names and identifying details have been changed, but everything else is true ...


Like sands through the hourglass, so are


Photobucket

The Gays of Our Lives

Sponsored by Bod body spray and Kiehl's Eye Energy Serum

Previously on Gays of Our Lives:


My friend Diva was in town, and after exchanging Christmas presents we went to a gay bar downtown -- it's always our place to go because if I bring that girl anywhere else downtown I will have to spend the entire night cock-blocking. Diva is the best person to go out with because she dances but doesn't drink, so I get to be wasted but save money on cabfare. Also, Diva went to Justin Morneau's wedding the night before and is instantly cooler than I will ever hope to be.

I don't know if you've ever been to this club, but it's a pretty big place and they have the drag show/Retro Bar upstairs and then downstairs has the dance floor (house music), a really small dance floor for current stuff, a big bar and then this kind of hidden bar that's by the ATM's and vending machines. It is downstairs in which Diva and I meet Ryan.

Ryan is the bartender, about 5'9", but relatively jacked. He was wearing a green PUMA T-shirt and had nice dimples. We first saw him when asking him where coat check was because I am retarded and don't understand there's a whole nother hallway in the joint. At some point he mentions having a boyfriend and my ears perk up because bartenders in gay bars are a lot like guys in gay porn; just because they're there doesn't mean they're actually gay in real life, and it's not a give-in that they are.

Ryan: "Do you have a boyfriend?"
Jakey: "Hells no!"
Ryan: "Why?"
Jakey: "I'm shallow as hell and I'm not looking."
Ryan: "Why are you shallow?"
Jakey (makes awkward flexing gesture)
Ryan: "Huh?"
Diva: "He likes jocks. And muscles."
Frank: "Do I have big enough muscles for you?" (he sooo does)
Ryan: "I'm not that shallow. You just have to laugh at my jokes and be able to put up shelves."
Ryan: "I like to laugh. I'd put up your shelves."
Jakey: *blusssshhh*
Ryan: "A lot of guys like the opposite. I like short skinny white boys." (this makes sense except Ryan is white)

Diva and I continue going all over the club -- the drag show and bathrooms are upstairs, and every time I get a drink I get them from Ryan except for my first one which is from the bartender who always wears Affliction T-shirts. At midnight in the bathroom I am putting on concealor.

"No one saw me do this," I announce. Who the fuck is going to judge? There's a drag queen pissing behind me.
"Jakey?" I hear someone ask, and it's Ricky Stevens.

A month ago, Ricky Stevens added me on Facebook. We went to high school together but he was a bit younger than I am. I responded to his friend request because I am a Facebook whore, whereas I'm beginning to wonder if Ricky is an actual whore. He went and got one of those "sexy" photo shooots, and oh my god, it would make Gaysian, my original high school nemesis, blush. Do not type in his name to get his profile picture. You will have post-traumatic stress disorder. Also, his profile is all about gay gay gay gay gay and he claims that 'he has been out since he was 12 years old', so I guess we're just gonna forget about that day when I was working at Walgreens and he was buying Tracey Bregman a bouquet of plastic flowers and a card in hopes she would be his girlfriend. Yeah.

Of course, any anger I have for Ricky didn't exist at that moment, and he introduces me to his friend Dom, who is tall and I think is handsome but Diva later informs me that I must have had vodka goggles on (and it's true because at this point I noticed Ricky has gotten a little thicker in the good way and if he wanted to make out at thatmoment I probably would have. I AM SUCH A SLUT). Ricky tells us that he dances in his underwear at this club and at another one a few blocks away.

"Diva used to do that!" I offer.
"Diva!" she yells.
"Oops," I say, but in Diva's defense she only danced at classy joints and never removed her panties.

We go back to Ryan's bar for round .... seven? Christ. I drink way too much.
"So can I have your number?" Ryan asks. I refuse, but Diva gives him mine.
"You're cute" he texts me.

When we leave I text him to have a good night and he says "you as well". Later he asks me what I like to do when fucking around. Because I am a slut I reply making out and geting picked up and he replies "really? that's cool." We make fake plans.

WEDNESDAY

Ryan calls at 7:30 in the morning and 7:45 in th emorning. I sleep through it. He calls again at noon and I answer it, still waking up. He asks if I want to fuck around at 2 AM, and I say I can't, cursing the fact that I don't have my own car or my own uptown apartment. However, Ryan still has a boyfriend and I am not oging to be the other woman because that is just asking the world for bad karma, like today when my father dropped me off at a green light and I told the old man honkkng at us to fuck off. I was punished by having to overhear a conversation on the light rail between a bunch of high school kids about Twilight.

SATURDAY

Ryan texts me while I am watching the Golden Globes and asks if I am going out tonight. I say no, again cursing the fact that I live at home and not a fancy uptown apartment. I ask if he is working tomorrow and he says yes. Foreshadowing!

Monday, February 2, 2009

Nineties Baby

I remember when he first spoke your name
And I tried so hard to play it cool
Kept downing the vodka like it was water
God knows I wasn't gonna be a fool

But I twisted my hair in knots
Kept staring at the ground
'Cause truth be told I can't compete with you

You're just a nineties baby
(nineties baby)
Young cute and insecure
Yeah I used to be just like you
You never know your beauty 'til it fades away
You never know your greatness 'til they take it away
You're just a nineties baby

I don't care what he thinks of you
He's gonna add you to the discard pile in time
I hate myself for what I think of you
Shouldn't hate you, you've not done a crime

To be mature it's jealousy
He sees me in one way but you in another
And I gotta take a bow or just duck and cover

You're just a nineties baby
(nineties baby)
Young cute and insecure
Yeah I used to be just like you
You never know your beauty 'til it fades away
You never know your greatness 'til they take it away
You're just a nineties baby

It's gonna be hell today
It's gonna take a while
But it's gonna be okay
Soon I'll be able to smile
Again

Yeah yeah
I used to be you
Young cute and insecure
And deep down I'd love to be you
Young cute and insecure
But you're just a nineties baby
Nineties baby
You never know your beauty 'til it fades away
You never know your greatness 'til they take it away
You're just a nineties baby