...to my new blog
at jakeyonblogspot.com
It is supposed to be Jakey On, as I plan it to be a place of observation, although understand if it could also be somebody named Jake Yon.
I hope to see you there, and thank you if you have ever visited this place.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
My Father is Pissed
This thread is kind of like a Simpsons episode because at the beginning you are going to wonder how in the hell it ties into the point, but just trust me that it does.
I worked from 9 to 6 today, and it is the rare opening shift that I work about once a month. My father picked me up downtown at about five to seven, and we prepared to go to the house where my brother was hosting a barbecue for the basketball team that he is coaching. I arrive at my house to a group of 17-year-old boys who laugh at my jokes. Hooray!
I feel like hot shit because I am wearing my new Hugo Boss suit, but I change into casual clothing and mingle with the kids and their parents, then accidentally poke my brother in the eye. Good times are had by all.
But I cannot help but feel stangely nostalgic! Perhaps it is because it is 75 in Minnesota, and it may as well feel like summer, and at the risk of sounding maudlin, I have not had an enjoyable summer in my life since three years ago, the summer of 2005, when I cashiered at Walgreens and foolishly THOUGHT that life sucked since my three closest friends at the time were living in China, San Diego, and Iran, but in retrospect it is where I grew, not to mention the emotional affair I had with the boy from Texas whose name I still randomly hear when the wind blows.
After the barbecue is over I prepare for an emo walk with my iPod, complete with recently downloaded tunes like "There Is" by Boxcar Racer. As I have made it about half a mile I am approached by my best friend Erin McCloskey from her Ford Taurus just as Mariah Carey is blaring! We venture to Jake's Sports Bar and Grill, my father's home away from home, but the bartender he hates is working, so we go to the Village Pub instead.
Long story short. My father meets us there and we meet up with the pub's owner, whose son is currently living in Los Angeles and doing improv and OH MY GOD LET'S ALL BLOW SMOKE UP HIS ASS and hey you know buddy I could have been something too but now I live with my parents and work at the mall, and Erin goes home because she has been feeling ill for the past ten days but knows it is karma ever since April Fool's Day when she broke up with her boyfriend as a joke and made him cry (yes, in her mind this was hiliarious), and while my father is outside smoking I reunite with Sue, who was a teacher's aide when I was in middle school and would wake me up during math class!
Here is where the conflict ensues. Sue has me talk to Julianne, an acquainance of my father's who ran for City Council the same time he did (they both later lost to the incumbents who have continued to fuck over our fair city, but you can't be bitter forever). Julianne once asked me to baby-sit her twin daughters but later found someone else. I have never really talked to Julianne. She is apparently a bitch when she is drunk.
"My daughters are scared of men," she explains. "But they probably wouldn't be very scared of you."
"Yeah, I'm not like The Hulk...." I downplay in a voice so SUE KNOWS I AM PISSED.
Sue sympathizes with me and Julianne goes to smoke with my father. Upon their return, my father and his cursed weak bladder go off to pee. Julianne returns to Sue and me (who have been having a WONDERFUL! conversation) and I do not know where my father is.
"Where is my father?" I cry.
"Oh my god," Julianne scoffs. "Could you be any gayer?'
"Um, so back to the big dick I was sucking," I immediately respond, and Sue playfully slaps me, and I will never know if this was because she was genuinely offended or to downplay the moment.
"Your father is peeing," Julianne says.
"Well, he has diabetes," I say.
"Really?????" the women gasp.
"Well, Type II, nothing serious," I say.
My father comes out of the bathroom. The women grill him on his diabetes. He is pissed.
"I would appreciate if you wouldn't air my dirty laundry," he says later in the car. "I don't air yours." WELL, MY DIRTY LAUNDRY CAN'T BE TOLD FROM MY VOICE, DAMMIT.
"Well, I was trying to change the subject," I defend. "Julianne made me feel bad."
"Yeah, I smoked with her," my father said. "She was like 'did you know your son is gay?' and I said 'yes, we've known forever'."
"Well, I'M SORRY," I continue. "I was feeling attacked and I wanted to change the subject. Apparently I chose the wrong topic."
"Yeah you did," grumbles my father.
Now I feel bad. And sober, despite the five vodka drinks I had. Ho hum.
I worked from 9 to 6 today, and it is the rare opening shift that I work about once a month. My father picked me up downtown at about five to seven, and we prepared to go to the house where my brother was hosting a barbecue for the basketball team that he is coaching. I arrive at my house to a group of 17-year-old boys who laugh at my jokes. Hooray!
I feel like hot shit because I am wearing my new Hugo Boss suit, but I change into casual clothing and mingle with the kids and their parents, then accidentally poke my brother in the eye. Good times are had by all.
But I cannot help but feel stangely nostalgic! Perhaps it is because it is 75 in Minnesota, and it may as well feel like summer, and at the risk of sounding maudlin, I have not had an enjoyable summer in my life since three years ago, the summer of 2005, when I cashiered at Walgreens and foolishly THOUGHT that life sucked since my three closest friends at the time were living in China, San Diego, and Iran, but in retrospect it is where I grew, not to mention the emotional affair I had with the boy from Texas whose name I still randomly hear when the wind blows.
After the barbecue is over I prepare for an emo walk with my iPod, complete with recently downloaded tunes like "There Is" by Boxcar Racer. As I have made it about half a mile I am approached by my best friend Erin McCloskey from her Ford Taurus just as Mariah Carey is blaring! We venture to Jake's Sports Bar and Grill, my father's home away from home, but the bartender he hates is working, so we go to the Village Pub instead.
Long story short. My father meets us there and we meet up with the pub's owner, whose son is currently living in Los Angeles and doing improv and OH MY GOD LET'S ALL BLOW SMOKE UP HIS ASS and hey you know buddy I could have been something too but now I live with my parents and work at the mall, and Erin goes home because she has been feeling ill for the past ten days but knows it is karma ever since April Fool's Day when she broke up with her boyfriend as a joke and made him cry (yes, in her mind this was hiliarious), and while my father is outside smoking I reunite with Sue, who was a teacher's aide when I was in middle school and would wake me up during math class!
Here is where the conflict ensues. Sue has me talk to Julianne, an acquainance of my father's who ran for City Council the same time he did (they both later lost to the incumbents who have continued to fuck over our fair city, but you can't be bitter forever). Julianne once asked me to baby-sit her twin daughters but later found someone else. I have never really talked to Julianne. She is apparently a bitch when she is drunk.
"My daughters are scared of men," she explains. "But they probably wouldn't be very scared of you."
"Yeah, I'm not like The Hulk...." I downplay in a voice so SUE KNOWS I AM PISSED.
Sue sympathizes with me and Julianne goes to smoke with my father. Upon their return, my father and his cursed weak bladder go off to pee. Julianne returns to Sue and me (who have been having a WONDERFUL! conversation) and I do not know where my father is.
"Where is my father?" I cry.
"Oh my god," Julianne scoffs. "Could you be any gayer?'
"Um, so back to the big dick I was sucking," I immediately respond, and Sue playfully slaps me, and I will never know if this was because she was genuinely offended or to downplay the moment.
"Your father is peeing," Julianne says.
"Well, he has diabetes," I say.
"Really?????" the women gasp.
"Well, Type II, nothing serious," I say.
My father comes out of the bathroom. The women grill him on his diabetes. He is pissed.
"I would appreciate if you wouldn't air my dirty laundry," he says later in the car. "I don't air yours." WELL, MY DIRTY LAUNDRY CAN'T BE TOLD FROM MY VOICE, DAMMIT.
"Well, I was trying to change the subject," I defend. "Julianne made me feel bad."
"Yeah, I smoked with her," my father said. "She was like 'did you know your son is gay?' and I said 'yes, we've known forever'."
"Well, I'M SORRY," I continue. "I was feeling attacked and I wanted to change the subject. Apparently I chose the wrong topic."
"Yeah you did," grumbles my father.
Now I feel bad. And sober, despite the five vodka drinks I had. Ho hum.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
I Dreamed a Dream
I joined a gym yesterday. It happened by complete accident as I was only there to do a Body Works class with my best friend Erin. We had half an hour to kill and ended up talking to the director, who happened to be in a shirt and tie and laughed at some of my jokes. How could I resist? Besides, I always had excuses to not join a gym and have realized that, expenses be damned, I have to stop using them. The director explains to me that on Monday I will be meeting with a personal trainer. In my head, I hope that my trainer is a five-foot-tall girl named Mindy who will be firm but sweet and won't make me feel bad for not being able to lift more than 15 pounds.
"Uh, your trainer's gonna be Jason," the director says. "I don't see him right now. He's the tall, blondish guy."
"Jesus Christ," I mutter to Erin.
"Oh, there he is! Come say hi!" the director says. No, I do not get the five-foot-tall girl named Mindy. I get Jason the hulking muscle god. I will spend all of Monday alternately trying not to be embarrassed and trying not to blush. Jason got more of my jokes than the director did, though. Also, Body Works KICKED MY ASS. So much for my goal of "getting my shit tight."
I had a customer today who used to go to Stout. He looked like a million bucks and I looked like a bus hit me. He acted like he didn't know who I was. Maybe he didn't. But I could not help but feel that he was judging me behind his perfection. I was not a rock star or anything, but I cannot help but feel that this is not where I am supposed to be. However, I will not be returning to New York City until I find a bag of money or actually finish my damn book, whichever comes first.
On the way home from the light rail, two girls from work and I were discussing our colleagues. In other words, gossiping. Whatever. When you spend 47 hours a week at the same place together, it's what you're gonna talk about. This lady in front of us said "I'll bet her ears are burning", and then thirty minutes later she asked us what store we worked at. I ignored her but should have told her we worked at Macy's.
"Uh, your trainer's gonna be Jason," the director says. "I don't see him right now. He's the tall, blondish guy."
"Jesus Christ," I mutter to Erin.
"Oh, there he is! Come say hi!" the director says. No, I do not get the five-foot-tall girl named Mindy. I get Jason the hulking muscle god. I will spend all of Monday alternately trying not to be embarrassed and trying not to blush. Jason got more of my jokes than the director did, though. Also, Body Works KICKED MY ASS. So much for my goal of "getting my shit tight."
I had a customer today who used to go to Stout. He looked like a million bucks and I looked like a bus hit me. He acted like he didn't know who I was. Maybe he didn't. But I could not help but feel that he was judging me behind his perfection. I was not a rock star or anything, but I cannot help but feel that this is not where I am supposed to be. However, I will not be returning to New York City until I find a bag of money or actually finish my damn book, whichever comes first.
On the way home from the light rail, two girls from work and I were discussing our colleagues. In other words, gossiping. Whatever. When you spend 47 hours a week at the same place together, it's what you're gonna talk about. This lady in front of us said "I'll bet her ears are burning", and then thirty minutes later she asked us what store we worked at. I ignored her but should have told her we worked at Macy's.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
Ouldves
I am going back to school.
It is two more years. For a degree I don't even know I want.
I want to act. That was fun. They said I was good in Brooklyn. "You have a lot of talent," she said. I wish I would have been awake then. I am trying to stay away from the "ouldves", but Brooklyn College and that whole New York City thing sure does have a lot of them. Could've would've should've. Or if's. Lots of if's. If only I had not been depressed for nine months BEFORE I find out I was going to Brooklyn College. Y'know. That kind of stuff.
I run into people who went to Stout when I am at work. Today a boy came in and he stared me down, like he knew me from somewhere but wasn't sure how. He was never that nice to me anyway, and I know things about him, like the time he slept with one of my friends while she had a boyfriend.
I'm allegedly doing comedy. Like actually gonna DO IT AGAIN. I haven't gone up there in a year and a half. I am worried I will bomb.
I got my heart broken. It was very surprising when it happened and I never thought it would ever happen to me. I mean, it did in tenth grade when the boy I liked said "I like women" but that is different. This time it was by someone who liked men, too. He stepped out of my life for several months and when he did he told me he was in AA and sober for 72 days. I wanted to be happy for him but instead I just got confused. Should I go to AA? But then if I go to AA it will only be another thing that reminds me of him and it will just make me sad, and when I am sad I usually drink but I am not going to drink tonight because it is Monday and I think I am going to drink tomorrow and Wednesday and you just have to balance these things.
Then I thought empty sex would make me feel better but I couldn't go through with it because I kept thinking about other people, so instead I took a cab home at 4:30 in the morning and gave him a fake phone number, and maybe it wasn't the nicest thing to do because he was begging me to stay the night, but I just couldn't get myself to do it. Also, SO MUCH HAIR.
I am waiting to push a button and for everything to make sense.
It is two more years. For a degree I don't even know I want.
I want to act. That was fun. They said I was good in Brooklyn. "You have a lot of talent," she said. I wish I would have been awake then. I am trying to stay away from the "ouldves", but Brooklyn College and that whole New York City thing sure does have a lot of them. Could've would've should've. Or if's. Lots of if's. If only I had not been depressed for nine months BEFORE I find out I was going to Brooklyn College. Y'know. That kind of stuff.
I run into people who went to Stout when I am at work. Today a boy came in and he stared me down, like he knew me from somewhere but wasn't sure how. He was never that nice to me anyway, and I know things about him, like the time he slept with one of my friends while she had a boyfriend.
I'm allegedly doing comedy. Like actually gonna DO IT AGAIN. I haven't gone up there in a year and a half. I am worried I will bomb.
I got my heart broken. It was very surprising when it happened and I never thought it would ever happen to me. I mean, it did in tenth grade when the boy I liked said "I like women" but that is different. This time it was by someone who liked men, too. He stepped out of my life for several months and when he did he told me he was in AA and sober for 72 days. I wanted to be happy for him but instead I just got confused. Should I go to AA? But then if I go to AA it will only be another thing that reminds me of him and it will just make me sad, and when I am sad I usually drink but I am not going to drink tonight because it is Monday and I think I am going to drink tomorrow and Wednesday and you just have to balance these things.
Then I thought empty sex would make me feel better but I couldn't go through with it because I kept thinking about other people, so instead I took a cab home at 4:30 in the morning and gave him a fake phone number, and maybe it wasn't the nicest thing to do because he was begging me to stay the night, but I just couldn't get myself to do it. Also, SO MUCH HAIR.
I am waiting to push a button and for everything to make sense.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Things I'm Crazy About This Week
The following are things I'm crazy about this week:
1. THE OSCARS
I'm a big Oscar nerd yet I never win my Oscar pool (this year my father won with 19 correct -- I only had 13). I had the privilege this year to participate in the Supporting Actress Smackdown over at StinkyLulu.com. While Penelope Cruz was the unanaimous vote (myself included), I was glad to read all the kind words about Marisa Tomei, as I thought hers was a very subtle, nuanced performance. 'Twas a good time.
2. KIEHL'S EYE ENERGY CREAM
You can get this stuff at Nordstrom. I have been using it for the past two months and already look noticably less like I've been punched in the face. I realize the best way to combat dark circles is to get more sleep, drink less alcohol, drink more water and exercise, but what fun is that?
3. CALIFORNIA DREAMIN
Next week I am going to visit Los Angeles with my friend Diva! I am planning to wear a T-shirt that reads Tan and Buff the entire time.
4. THE SINBAD AND JAKEY SHOW
I have ventured into the world of radio and our fourth show is tonight! Stemming from the message board of wrestlingobserver.com, the Sinbad and Jakey Show is a rather eclectic mix of pro wrestling, pop culture, message board gossip and whatever callers want to discuss. A link is on the right hand corner ...
5. CHANNING TATUM
Because some things never change.
1. THE OSCARS
I'm a big Oscar nerd yet I never win my Oscar pool (this year my father won with 19 correct -- I only had 13). I had the privilege this year to participate in the Supporting Actress Smackdown over at StinkyLulu.com. While Penelope Cruz was the unanaimous vote (myself included), I was glad to read all the kind words about Marisa Tomei, as I thought hers was a very subtle, nuanced performance. 'Twas a good time.
2. KIEHL'S EYE ENERGY CREAM
You can get this stuff at Nordstrom. I have been using it for the past two months and already look noticably less like I've been punched in the face. I realize the best way to combat dark circles is to get more sleep, drink less alcohol, drink more water and exercise, but what fun is that?
3. CALIFORNIA DREAMIN
Next week I am going to visit Los Angeles with my friend Diva! I am planning to wear a T-shirt that reads Tan and Buff the entire time.
4. THE SINBAD AND JAKEY SHOW
I have ventured into the world of radio and our fourth show is tonight! Stemming from the message board of wrestlingobserver.com, the Sinbad and Jakey Show is a rather eclectic mix of pro wrestling, pop culture, message board gossip and whatever callers want to discuss. A link is on the right hand corner ...
5. CHANNING TATUM
Because some things never change.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Head on Over ...
To stinkylulu.com for this year's Supporting Actress Smackdown! StinkyLulu: Supporting Actress Smackdown - 2008#links#links I finally lost my Smackdown virginity and I am in great company.
The Oscars are tonight and I am always reminded of my high school days when I hosted Oscar parties, complete with $5 pool and easel tracking the statistics. Most importantly, formal wear was REQUIRED and one year a girl came wearing sweatpants and I was just a stone cold bitch to her. Everyone was welcome and we always ended up with an eclectic group. I hope you all enjoy the show tonight.
The Oscars are tonight and I am always reminded of my high school days when I hosted Oscar parties, complete with $5 pool and easel tracking the statistics. Most importantly, formal wear was REQUIRED and one year a girl came wearing sweatpants and I was just a stone cold bitch to her. Everyone was welcome and we always ended up with an eclectic group. I hope you all enjoy the show tonight.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Gays of Our Lives Part I
For this new feature in this underused blog, we will look back at recent events in my life that aren't as dramatic as I think they are. Certain names and identifying details have been changed, but everything else is true ...
Like sands through the hourglass, so are
The Gays of Our Lives
Sponsored by Bod body spray and Kiehl's Eye Energy Serum
Previously on Gays of Our Lives:
My friend Diva was in town, and after exchanging Christmas presents we went to a gay bar downtown -- it's always our place to go because if I bring that girl anywhere else downtown I will have to spend the entire night cock-blocking. Diva is the best person to go out with because she dances but doesn't drink, so I get to be wasted but save money on cabfare. Also, Diva went to Justin Morneau's wedding the night before and is instantly cooler than I will ever hope to be.
I don't know if you've ever been to this club, but it's a pretty big place and they have the drag show/Retro Bar upstairs and then downstairs has the dance floor (house music), a really small dance floor for current stuff, a big bar and then this kind of hidden bar that's by the ATM's and vending machines. It is downstairs in which Diva and I meet Ryan.
Ryan is the bartender, about 5'9", but relatively jacked. He was wearing a green PUMA T-shirt and had nice dimples. We first saw him when asking him where coat check was because I am retarded and don't understand there's a whole nother hallway in the joint. At some point he mentions having a boyfriend and my ears perk up because bartenders in gay bars are a lot like guys in gay porn; just because they're there doesn't mean they're actually gay in real life, and it's not a give-in that they are.
Ryan: "Do you have a boyfriend?"
Jakey: "Hells no!"
Ryan: "Why?"
Jakey: "I'm shallow as hell and I'm not looking."
Ryan: "Why are you shallow?"
Jakey (makes awkward flexing gesture)
Ryan: "Huh?"
Diva: "He likes jocks. And muscles."
Frank: "Do I have big enough muscles for you?" (he sooo does)
Ryan: "I'm not that shallow. You just have to laugh at my jokes and be able to put up shelves."
Ryan: "I like to laugh. I'd put up your shelves."
Jakey: *blusssshhh*
Ryan: "A lot of guys like the opposite. I like short skinny white boys." (this makes sense except Ryan is white)
Diva and I continue going all over the club -- the drag show and bathrooms are upstairs, and every time I get a drink I get them from Ryan except for my first one which is from the bartender who always wears Affliction T-shirts. At midnight in the bathroom I am putting on concealor.
"No one saw me do this," I announce. Who the fuck is going to judge? There's a drag queen pissing behind me.
"Jakey?" I hear someone ask, and it's Ricky Stevens.
A month ago, Ricky Stevens added me on Facebook. We went to high school together but he was a bit younger than I am. I responded to his friend request because I am a Facebook whore, whereas I'm beginning to wonder if Ricky is an actual whore. He went and got one of those "sexy" photo shooots, and oh my god, it would make Gaysian, my original high school nemesis, blush. Do not type in his name to get his profile picture. You will have post-traumatic stress disorder. Also, his profile is all about gay gay gay gay gay and he claims that 'he has been out since he was 12 years old', so I guess we're just gonna forget about that day when I was working at Walgreens and he was buying Tracey Bregman a bouquet of plastic flowers and a card in hopes she would be his girlfriend. Yeah.
Of course, any anger I have for Ricky didn't exist at that moment, and he introduces me to his friend Dom, who is tall and I think is handsome but Diva later informs me that I must have had vodka goggles on (and it's true because at this point I noticed Ricky has gotten a little thicker in the good way and if he wanted to make out at thatmoment I probably would have. I AM SUCH A SLUT). Ricky tells us that he dances in his underwear at this club and at another one a few blocks away.
"Diva used to do that!" I offer.
"Diva!" she yells.
"Oops," I say, but in Diva's defense she only danced at classy joints and never removed her panties.
We go back to Ryan's bar for round .... seven? Christ. I drink way too much.
"So can I have your number?" Ryan asks. I refuse, but Diva gives him mine.
"You're cute" he texts me.
When we leave I text him to have a good night and he says "you as well". Later he asks me what I like to do when fucking around. Because I am a slut I reply making out and geting picked up and he replies "really? that's cool." We make fake plans.
WEDNESDAY
Ryan calls at 7:30 in the morning and 7:45 in th emorning. I sleep through it. He calls again at noon and I answer it, still waking up. He asks if I want to fuck around at 2 AM, and I say I can't, cursing the fact that I don't have my own car or my own uptown apartment. However, Ryan still has a boyfriend and I am not oging to be the other woman because that is just asking the world for bad karma, like today when my father dropped me off at a green light and I told the old man honkkng at us to fuck off. I was punished by having to overhear a conversation on the light rail between a bunch of high school kids about Twilight.
SATURDAY
Ryan texts me while I am watching the Golden Globes and asks if I am going out tonight. I say no, again cursing the fact that I live at home and not a fancy uptown apartment. I ask if he is working tomorrow and he says yes. Foreshadowing!
Like sands through the hourglass, so are
The Gays of Our Lives
Sponsored by Bod body spray and Kiehl's Eye Energy Serum
Previously on Gays of Our Lives:
My friend Diva was in town, and after exchanging Christmas presents we went to a gay bar downtown -- it's always our place to go because if I bring that girl anywhere else downtown I will have to spend the entire night cock-blocking. Diva is the best person to go out with because she dances but doesn't drink, so I get to be wasted but save money on cabfare. Also, Diva went to Justin Morneau's wedding the night before and is instantly cooler than I will ever hope to be.
I don't know if you've ever been to this club, but it's a pretty big place and they have the drag show/Retro Bar upstairs and then downstairs has the dance floor (house music), a really small dance floor for current stuff, a big bar and then this kind of hidden bar that's by the ATM's and vending machines. It is downstairs in which Diva and I meet Ryan.
Ryan is the bartender, about 5'9", but relatively jacked. He was wearing a green PUMA T-shirt and had nice dimples. We first saw him when asking him where coat check was because I am retarded and don't understand there's a whole nother hallway in the joint. At some point he mentions having a boyfriend and my ears perk up because bartenders in gay bars are a lot like guys in gay porn; just because they're there doesn't mean they're actually gay in real life, and it's not a give-in that they are.
Ryan: "Do you have a boyfriend?"
Jakey: "Hells no!"
Ryan: "Why?"
Jakey: "I'm shallow as hell and I'm not looking."
Ryan: "Why are you shallow?"
Jakey (makes awkward flexing gesture)
Ryan: "Huh?"
Diva: "He likes jocks. And muscles."
Frank: "Do I have big enough muscles for you?" (he sooo does)
Ryan: "I'm not that shallow. You just have to laugh at my jokes and be able to put up shelves."
Ryan: "I like to laugh. I'd put up your shelves."
Jakey: *blusssshhh*
Ryan: "A lot of guys like the opposite. I like short skinny white boys." (this makes sense except Ryan is white)
Diva and I continue going all over the club -- the drag show and bathrooms are upstairs, and every time I get a drink I get them from Ryan except for my first one which is from the bartender who always wears Affliction T-shirts. At midnight in the bathroom I am putting on concealor.
"No one saw me do this," I announce. Who the fuck is going to judge? There's a drag queen pissing behind me.
"Jakey?" I hear someone ask, and it's Ricky Stevens.
A month ago, Ricky Stevens added me on Facebook. We went to high school together but he was a bit younger than I am. I responded to his friend request because I am a Facebook whore, whereas I'm beginning to wonder if Ricky is an actual whore. He went and got one of those "sexy" photo shooots, and oh my god, it would make Gaysian, my original high school nemesis, blush. Do not type in his name to get his profile picture. You will have post-traumatic stress disorder. Also, his profile is all about gay gay gay gay gay and he claims that 'he has been out since he was 12 years old', so I guess we're just gonna forget about that day when I was working at Walgreens and he was buying Tracey Bregman a bouquet of plastic flowers and a card in hopes she would be his girlfriend. Yeah.
Of course, any anger I have for Ricky didn't exist at that moment, and he introduces me to his friend Dom, who is tall and I think is handsome but Diva later informs me that I must have had vodka goggles on (and it's true because at this point I noticed Ricky has gotten a little thicker in the good way and if he wanted to make out at thatmoment I probably would have. I AM SUCH A SLUT). Ricky tells us that he dances in his underwear at this club and at another one a few blocks away.
"Diva used to do that!" I offer.
"Diva!" she yells.
"Oops," I say, but in Diva's defense she only danced at classy joints and never removed her panties.
We go back to Ryan's bar for round .... seven? Christ. I drink way too much.
"So can I have your number?" Ryan asks. I refuse, but Diva gives him mine.
"You're cute" he texts me.
When we leave I text him to have a good night and he says "you as well". Later he asks me what I like to do when fucking around. Because I am a slut I reply making out and geting picked up and he replies "really? that's cool." We make fake plans.
WEDNESDAY
Ryan calls at 7:30 in the morning and 7:45 in th emorning. I sleep through it. He calls again at noon and I answer it, still waking up. He asks if I want to fuck around at 2 AM, and I say I can't, cursing the fact that I don't have my own car or my own uptown apartment. However, Ryan still has a boyfriend and I am not oging to be the other woman because that is just asking the world for bad karma, like today when my father dropped me off at a green light and I told the old man honkkng at us to fuck off. I was punished by having to overhear a conversation on the light rail between a bunch of high school kids about Twilight.
SATURDAY
Ryan texts me while I am watching the Golden Globes and asks if I am going out tonight. I say no, again cursing the fact that I live at home and not a fancy uptown apartment. I ask if he is working tomorrow and he says yes. Foreshadowing!
Monday, February 2, 2009
Nineties Baby
I remember when he first spoke your name
And I tried so hard to play it cool
Kept downing the vodka like it was water
God knows I wasn't gonna be a fool
But I twisted my hair in knots
Kept staring at the ground
'Cause truth be told I can't compete with you
You're just a nineties baby
(nineties baby)
Young cute and insecure
Yeah I used to be just like you
You never know your beauty 'til it fades away
You never know your greatness 'til they take it away
You're just a nineties baby
I don't care what he thinks of you
He's gonna add you to the discard pile in time
I hate myself for what I think of you
Shouldn't hate you, you've not done a crime
To be mature it's jealousy
He sees me in one way but you in another
And I gotta take a bow or just duck and cover
You're just a nineties baby
(nineties baby)
Young cute and insecure
Yeah I used to be just like you
You never know your beauty 'til it fades away
You never know your greatness 'til they take it away
You're just a nineties baby
It's gonna be hell today
It's gonna take a while
But it's gonna be okay
Soon I'll be able to smile
Again
Yeah yeah
I used to be you
Young cute and insecure
And deep down I'd love to be you
Young cute and insecure
But you're just a nineties baby
Nineties baby
You never know your beauty 'til it fades away
You never know your greatness 'til they take it away
You're just a nineties baby
And I tried so hard to play it cool
Kept downing the vodka like it was water
God knows I wasn't gonna be a fool
But I twisted my hair in knots
Kept staring at the ground
'Cause truth be told I can't compete with you
You're just a nineties baby
(nineties baby)
Young cute and insecure
Yeah I used to be just like you
You never know your beauty 'til it fades away
You never know your greatness 'til they take it away
You're just a nineties baby
I don't care what he thinks of you
He's gonna add you to the discard pile in time
I hate myself for what I think of you
Shouldn't hate you, you've not done a crime
To be mature it's jealousy
He sees me in one way but you in another
And I gotta take a bow or just duck and cover
You're just a nineties baby
(nineties baby)
Young cute and insecure
Yeah I used to be just like you
You never know your beauty 'til it fades away
You never know your greatness 'til they take it away
You're just a nineties baby
It's gonna be hell today
It's gonna take a while
But it's gonna be okay
Soon I'll be able to smile
Again
Yeah yeah
I used to be you
Young cute and insecure
And deep down I'd love to be you
Young cute and insecure
But you're just a nineties baby
Nineties baby
You never know your beauty 'til it fades away
You never know your greatness 'til they take it away
You're just a nineties baby
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Musings
I'm going to write. Because I have not written in forever and maybe that is why I have been so anxious lately. I have so much going on in my head and I kind of put it away but it's still there. I really SHOULD be doing yoga but my lazy ass does not want to go back to the basement. Okay then.
It's not a race.
This is what I keep telling myself. Ever since I was 20 I have been convinced I am too old to go after my dreams. I have dark circles under my eyes and all of a sudden that means I don't look 16 anymore. No, what it does mean is I have to cut back on drinking, and I am thinking that I am gonna go three weeks without it until Julie's sister's birthday in a few weeks. I was looking at my journal from the New York year the other day, and I had this big epiphany, like, WOW, I was definitely an alcoholic in the sense of the word. I had no friends when I was in New York. I had voids to fill. I filled it with a liter of vodka a week.
I don't hate my job. The schedule kind of sucks, but that's retail. I mainly work in the men's fitting room where the men look like models and I get to take their rejects. I don't want to be there forever, but in this recession, a job is a job and I'm lucky to have it.
I am going back to school in June. It is a community college in downtown Minneapolis. We shall see how it goes. My plan is to get an Associates Degree and somehow that is gonna let me move back to New York, on my own terms. I don't want to obsess about time, but my goal is to be there by the time I'm 25. If I cut back on the drinking and keep using Keihl's Eye Energy Cream, available at Nordstrom for $29.97, I will look 21 and no one has to know. It's gonna be okay.
This month my father and I have seen Gran Torino and The Wrestler. Good flicks. Next month I will be taking part in the Supporting Actress Smackdown at stinkylulu.com, so I have three more movies that I for sure have to see before Oscar time.
For the past few weeks I was immersed in a pseudo love triangle with an attractive bartender and a kid who I went to high school with that I don't even want to talk about because when I do I became very angry and hateful. I will see the bartender in three weeks and I'm trying not to obsess about it. I don't care who he plays board games with, but if he has played board games with this kid he cannot play board games with me.
I am going to try to write more in here because I miss blogging and the commmunity that follows. I have been in such a weird mood lately.
It's not a race.
This is what I keep telling myself. Ever since I was 20 I have been convinced I am too old to go after my dreams. I have dark circles under my eyes and all of a sudden that means I don't look 16 anymore. No, what it does mean is I have to cut back on drinking, and I am thinking that I am gonna go three weeks without it until Julie's sister's birthday in a few weeks. I was looking at my journal from the New York year the other day, and I had this big epiphany, like, WOW, I was definitely an alcoholic in the sense of the word. I had no friends when I was in New York. I had voids to fill. I filled it with a liter of vodka a week.
I don't hate my job. The schedule kind of sucks, but that's retail. I mainly work in the men's fitting room where the men look like models and I get to take their rejects. I don't want to be there forever, but in this recession, a job is a job and I'm lucky to have it.
I am going back to school in June. It is a community college in downtown Minneapolis. We shall see how it goes. My plan is to get an Associates Degree and somehow that is gonna let me move back to New York, on my own terms. I don't want to obsess about time, but my goal is to be there by the time I'm 25. If I cut back on the drinking and keep using Keihl's Eye Energy Cream, available at Nordstrom for $29.97, I will look 21 and no one has to know. It's gonna be okay.
This month my father and I have seen Gran Torino and The Wrestler. Good flicks. Next month I will be taking part in the Supporting Actress Smackdown at stinkylulu.com, so I have three more movies that I for sure have to see before Oscar time.
For the past few weeks I was immersed in a pseudo love triangle with an attractive bartender and a kid who I went to high school with that I don't even want to talk about because when I do I became very angry and hateful. I will see the bartender in three weeks and I'm trying not to obsess about it. I don't care who he plays board games with, but if he has played board games with this kid he cannot play board games with me.
I am going to try to write more in here because I miss blogging and the commmunity that follows. I have been in such a weird mood lately.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
2008 Supporting Actress Blogathon
The following is an entry of Stinky Lulu's 3rd Annual Supporting Actress Blogathon. For a great variety of other entries, please visit stinkylulu.com
Before this post begins, I feel that I must defend my choice this year by saying that, while I am a pop culture/cinema aficionado, I can literally count on one hand the five 2008 releases I saw this year. Stop Loss was riveting, and not just because of my imaginary engagement to Channing Tatum; Sex and the City was a fitting 140-minute episode of the show; Pineapple Express was an enjoyable comedy/action hybrid; and The Dark Knight was a surprisingly cynical epic that I hope doesn't get overlooked in the Best Picture Race. However, not one of these films featured a Supporting Actress performance that caused me leaving to leave the theater with it still brewing in my mind, and the one that did was the very surprising and unlikely:
MARY STEENBURGEN in STEPBROTHERS
Like nearly all of Will Ferrell's films, Stepbrothers is a one-joke premise stretched thinly over 90 minutes. In this particular film, the simple plot features Ferrell's Brennan Huff competing with fellow 40-year-old homebody Dale Doback (John C. Reilly) when their parents quickly fall in love and get married (it is to the film's credit that the plot point of the marriage plays over literally the first few minutes). The entire film's running gag: Dale and Brennan are adults but act like 12-year-old boys. Dale's father, Robert, is a gruff medical doctor, while Brennan's mother is the vivacious and sweet-hearted Nancy Huff, who is so breathtaking that when Robert first sees her, in the audience while conducting a seminar, he commits a vulgar Freudian slip.
During her first scenes, it is Steenburgen's beauty that draws us to her character. A beautiful woman who has allowed herself to age gracefully (she looks preserved but not Botoxed to hell), it's not difficult for the audience to see why a wealthy older man would fall in love with her in a crowded room. However, the implausibility that the 55-year-old Steenburgen is playing a mother to a 39-year-old will just have to be overlooked.
But as the story unfolds, and Brennan and Dale find themselves united against Brennan's successful and snide younger brother Derek (Adam Scott in a memorable performance), Steenburgen's Nancy becomes the conscience of the film. During the scene later in the film when Nancy and Robert inform "the boys" that the house is being sold, Steenburgen's Nancy remains firm in her "bad cop" role, yet avoids eye contact and at one point even shuts her eyes for a prolonged period. Steenburgen aptly plays up the conflict of Nancy in this scene; she doesn't love her son more than she loves her husband, but she understands that the apron strings can't be tied forever.
And during the scenes where Nancy is surrounded by both her son, Steenburgen does a masterful job of never letting us think she loves one more than the other. She gives her sons both looks of admiration, even though one is financially ten times worth the other. The movie is full of scenes of frenetic chaos, but other than a brief expletive when hosing down the boys as they fight in the front yard, Nancy always remains glued together, even when her and Robert finally announce their divorce at Christmas (and since it's a Will Ferrell comedy, it involves loud sobbing and vomit).
Steenburgen also provides one of the film's biggest laughs, during an early scene when Nancy explains to Robert the animosity between her sons. While printed words won't do justice to the flashback she narrates, it ends with Robert telling her that "Ice, Ice, Baby" really is a great song. "It is," Nancy emphatically agrees as the film quickly smash cuts to another scene. Steenburgen's character is the back drop for most of the movie, but the scene is an example of how she makes the most of her dialogue.
Stepbrothers is not a great film by any stretch of the imagination; at face value, it's a fast-paced and wacky comedy. And while Ferrell and co-writer and director Adam McKay are, as they did in Anchorman, wise to divvy up hilarious supporting roles (Scott and Jenkins are especially good, and Kathryn Hahn, as Derek's wife with a nymphomaniacal crush on Dale, is gleefully over-the-top), Steenburgen's restrained and believable performance is the real gem here. She's a sexy, older woman -- but not one played up as a "cougar" or sexpot -- with a conflicted love for both her sons, one an egomaniacal alpha male and the other a childish screw-up. And by making her character's love for her son so evident (a knowing grin here, a frustrated stare there), Steenburgen leads the audience to love the immaturity of Brennan -- truly an amazing feat.
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