Ouldves

I am going back to school.

It is two more years. For a degree I don't even know I want.

I want to act. That was fun. They said I was good in Brooklyn. "You have a lot of talent," she said. I wish I would have been awake then. I am trying to stay away from the "ouldves", but Brooklyn College and that whole New York City thing sure does have a lot of them. Could've would've should've. Or if's. Lots of if's. If only I had not been depressed for nine months BEFORE I find out I was going to Brooklyn College. Y'know. That kind of stuff.

I run into people who went to Stout when I am at work. Today a boy came in and he stared me down, like he knew me from somewhere but wasn't sure how. He was never that nice to me anyway, and I know things about him, like the time he slept with one of my friends while she had a boyfriend.

I'm allegedly doing comedy. Like actually gonna DO IT AGAIN. I haven't gone up there in a year and a half. I am worried I will bomb.

I got my heart broken. It was very surprising when it happened and I never thought it would ever happen to me. I mean, it did in tenth grade when the boy I liked said "I like women" but that is different. This time it was by someone who liked men, too. He stepped out of my life for several months and when he did he told me he was in AA and sober for 72 days. I wanted to be happy for him but instead I just got confused. Should I go to AA? But then if I go to AA it will only be another thing that reminds me of him and it will just make me sad, and when I am sad I usually drink but I am not going to drink tonight because it is Monday and I think I am going to drink tomorrow and Wednesday and you just have to balance these things.

Then I thought empty sex would make me feel better but I couldn't go through with it because I kept thinking about other people, so instead I took a cab home at 4:30 in the morning and gave him a fake phone number, and maybe it wasn't the nicest thing to do because he was begging me to stay the night, but I just couldn't get myself to do it. Also, SO MUCH HAIR.

I am waiting to push a button and for everything to make sense.