Lexington Avenue Blues

I really wanted that job.

Perhaps I wouldn't have been so devastated about my schedule not being compatible with it if I had an iota of passion for college -- but I don't. I have to admit that I came here for the wrong reasons, and school was a smoke screen. I left Minneapolis because I was trapped. Then I got to New York, and felt trapped again, and I couldn't help but feel that way as I stood on Lexington Avenue in the rain, staring at this building and down at my blazer making its Manhattan debut.

I went back to the school to try to buy books, or at least see how much they cost. Again dejected, I went to the Theater Department, to sign up for an audition, but chickened out, telling myself I would send an e-mail or try again on Monday. I don't know what my deal is. I figuratively left my balls in Minnesota.

Still, Friday wasn't all bad, as I did some social networking and met up with some commenters from Jezebel.Com at a bar over on the Lower East Side! It was a lot of fun and I now have a business card of a book publicist, to go along with one I have of a literary agent, and when I get drunk I can look at them and pretend that they are my agent and publicist.

However, I drank too much there and then went to the boy bar, where I spent way too much money. At least when you overspend at the casino there's a chance you might get some of it back.

The job hunt will continue next week. Maybe I will try the acting thing. I should do open mikes again. I don't know what my deal is. I think we all have different voices in our heads, not ones that are audible but ones that we know are not real, but they affect us just the same. I have to listen to my positive voice, the one that tells me I can do it, the one that tells me to believe in myself, the one that tells me that I live in New York City, dammit, the one that tells me that I can look back at these years with pride and not shame. I do not know where that voice went, but it was overshadowed by the negative one, the one that shuns hope and positivity.

I really want to delete that last paragraph because it makes me sound like a Starting Over reject, but whatever.