Reflections

Reflections Part One


Last week
After an 80-day countdown
I went back
To Menomonie Wisconsin

I was somebody again
People actually knew who I was
All of the boys looked like models
At Logjam I knew 80% of the bar
I felt alive

And I focused very hard
On being present
Not thinking about "what if"
Or "If only"

I would have left anyway

I had to remind myself
That despite all of the pictures
Of basement party after basement party
And me smiling with my posse
That I was not happy during Year Two

Did they ever know
That between February and April
When I knew I was leaving
But before Brooklyn happened

I went on Amazon.com
Bought three Dashboard Confessional CD's
Sat in the dark for three months
Listening to songs about girls and leaving

I do not know where I will be living
Two months from now
That kind of scares me

I cannot go back to STA
I look at the houses
Where my friends grew up
They have all moved on
Is my life just one big circle?

What if
If only
Blah blah blah

News & Notes

*Sometime soon, I would like to reflect on my visit to my old school last week. It was truly a blessing, and I worked very hard to be present during it, and not focus on the "What if?" factor. If anything, it cemented the fact that the reason I'm no longer there is because, had I chosen my life's Plan A, I still would have had the lingering doubt in the back of my head that I really wanted to be a writer and performer.

*So with that, the first step to be a successful writer and performer is to get a job doing none of those things, because writing and performing do not pay the bills in their amateur stages. Unfortunately, I cannot apply to any jobs in person right now because I am coughing like a tuberculosis victim. On this I blame either: a) four nights of drinking combined with my poor immune system), b) all of the walking I did in the rain on Monday coming back from the airport, or c) the horrible coughing children on the airplane. That said, I do already have an interview lined up! That's good. It's for a salon that won't open for two more months. That's bad.

*StinkyLulu poses an interesting question about "queer cinema" on one of his latest blogs. I recommend it if you have an opinion of the topic. Check out the link on the top right corner.

Viral Vendredi: David Cook

Words can't express.

e = mc squared

i bought E=MC2 today
because mariah is my life

american idol tonight
david cook rocked it
did an emo version of 'always be my baby'
he got my vote
so did brooke white
because i accidentally voted for her the first time

i visit stout a week from today
i am not drinking until then
because i have had my aha moment
when i say what kind of fucked up motley crue bullshit is this
it's so pointless

i'm just gonna take a break
from the boozing and the chat rooms and yeah
because i'm not crazy about who i turned into
that isn't me
i don't think

i am trying to write a book
i have started it over and over again
like everything else in my life
i duck out when things get hard

i tried benefiber last week
only made things worse
i think i will just surgically remove my stomach

laundry tomorrow
cuz i'm on my last pair of underwear

seven days
to be sober and productie
and clean the penthouse
i got this

observations

*I HATE MY LIFE. But I am the only one who can change it, not anybody else. I have to be the grown-up.

*I hate my life because I drink too much. I drink too much because I hate my life. This is what we call a vicious circle.

*I had visitors this weekend! Fun! But I am really sick of looking at fake purses.

*Stout in 8 days.

*Mariah's album drops today!

*I'm going on a blind date with a 32-year-old cop?

Life Lessons

Yeah, I think I liked it better when I was the one ignoring you ...

uh oh spaghettios

i cut my thumb open trying to open a can of spaghettios
i don't even want to eat them now
because i know that as good as spaghettios are
they will not be worth the pain

i spend more than i'm worth at duane reade and target
and STILL forgot to buy soap and fiber
the two things i was there for

blergh

in much more serious news
there was a tragedy at UW-Stout over the weekend
They are being laid to rest tomorrow
And the folks from Westboro Baptist Church are coming to protest

I want to believe
There is good in everyone
And humanity will always triumph
But things like that
Challenge such ideals

All we can do
Is educate our children
Be better people ourselves
Eventually good will win out
And I will learn how to use a can-opener