2008

burn the books
they've got too many names and psychoses
all this incriminating evidence
would surely haunt me
if someone broke into my house

suits in the living room
do you realize guys I was born in 1986
we've got someone here to explain your publishing
we know how much you love to be in front of audiences

hopeful you are
schoolbound you are
naive you are
driven you are

take a trip to New York with your guardian
and your fake identification
when they said "is there something anything
you'd like to know young man?"
you said "Yes, I'd like to know what kind of people
I'll be dealing with"

precocious you are
headstrong you are
terrified you are
ahead of your time you are

don't mind our staring but
we're surprised you're not in a far-gone asylum
we're surprised you didn't crack up
lord knows that we would have
we would've liked to have been there
but you keep pushing us away

resilient you are
big time you are
ruthless you are
precious you are

new year

I visited "home" for the holidays (I put home in quotations because I am in that strange transitional phase in life when you are not sure what home is -- is it where you are born and raised, or is it the parent-subsidized location that you currently inhabit? Perhaps it is neither). After a few days with the family, I reunited with an old college friend on the 26th, where I drank enough to make Lindsay Lohan blush. The next morning I was married to the toilet and rediscovering Christianity. This story sounds like it's old hat, but I partied for two years in small-town Wisconsin as a college student and never once puked. I am not a puker. Something was very wrong here, especially when I couldn't keep anything down either and my mother banished me to ice chips.

It turns out that my baby cousin, who I had seen at Christmas, gave us all the stomach flu! It was a 'survival of the fittest thing', because only about half the relatives got it, and since I must have the weakest immune system of all, I was punished the worst. Conversely, my 71-year-old Army vet grandfather felt nothing.

I hate the idea of New Year's Resolutions, because five years ago I was supposed to have a driver's license and a six-pack. Instead I moved to New York City where cars are unnecessary and I still have the body of a ten-year-old. Nevertheless, here are some possible goals:

BE PRODUCTIVE. I don't want to use quanitative measures because those screw us up, but I want to finish a book this year and make sure that my blogs do not outnumber my mike appearances (I am still in Open Mike World). This is not to say that I will have a book published or end up being a MySpace/YouTube superstar, because neither one of those things are in my control -- but the effort is.

GET A REAL JOB. Because my current one hates me and only schedules me twice a week. AndtheboyIlikedwhoworkedtheremovedtoMiami. So there.

BE INVOLVED IN SCHOOL. 'Cause right now I'm just hangin' out, gettin' my feet wet, not sure if it's my 'thing' or not, and I'm too old to be doing that. So it's workworkwork for the next few years, and when I graduate I can always lie about my age.

BE POSITIVE. Because nobody likes that emo kid who hates you, himself, and everything around him.

FORGIVE MYSELF FOR NOT LOOKING LIKE CHANNING TATUM. Because I am adorable, dammit.

Happy New Year to all.

Dare I...

...Go to the club by MYSELF tomorrow? (It's campus night, so free with college ID and $3 Long Island Iced Teas). Will go if only all of my chores are done and I promptly pre-game before at the comedy club.

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

The boy that I really like? HE IS MOVING. And even though he is straight anyway, I like the way that he talks to me, and I am going to miss him and I am never going to see him again and he probably won't even remember me! I have to do my stupid homework that I keep delaying and now I'm not going to get any sleep! I HATE MY LIFE!

Love always,
Jakey

----

Here's the sad thing:

I could have written this at either 14 or 21. Some things will never change.

In other news, I have decided that antidepressants to me are like religion -- I'm sure I need it, but I am too stubborn and cowardly in the end.

Heckled in Herald

I got heckled today
in Herald Square

It has happened so many times before
In Minneapolis and surrounding areas
And in Menomonie Wisconsin
And it will undoubtedly happen again

I just did not think
It could ever happen
In Herald Square
In the middle of Manhattan
In the middle of a city of 8 million
Where everyone has a dream
And we are all God's people

I live in a quote unquote black neighborhood
In South Flatbush Brooklyn
My first month here
I was afraid
Of them being afraid
I was waiting for it
Waiting for the catcalls
Waiting for the words
They never came
Because people really don't care

And when I walked south to Midwood Brooklyn
And met the racist 90-year-old lady
I realized we are all God's people
And why should I be afraid
And my neighbors are my neighbors
Kumbaya

It is a double-edged sword
Because if I was not that way
Well I would not have been Jakey
I would not have been The Diva
I would not have been in a posse of six attractive girls
I would not have had The UW
Whitey and I would not have been The Odd Couple
If I was not this way
My humor
Would not come from that place

But if I was not that way
I would not have to deal with this shit
Time and time again
I would not have to lower my voice ten octaves on the phone
To avoid being called ma'am or Mrs. xxxxxx

Famousphere Boy
I don't know what to say
"I'll fly you out here
You can meet agents"
"I miss you"
"I wish you were here"

Sorry kid
I'm not confident anymore
And I know it's all about who you know
But I want to feel that whatever I get
I will have earned

I am too squeamish
For Grey's Anatomy

I am so getting fired
From the Banana

Am I

I am not going to say I killed
Because I have only been doing this for two months
And to say that invites all kinds of bad karma

I will say that the audience was AWESOME
It is always interesting when there is a gay in the room
The people after you go "I'm so homophobic -- oh wait, not you"
But it's okay
'Cause it's FUNNY
In a real way

Am I making any sense
Am I sounding like just a fanboy

They told me to come back
But I was up there for six minutes
I feel I pulled out my entire arsenal
I did everything
I did the Jakey not Jake routine
I did the IBS routine
I did the Banana Republic routine
I did the Brooklyn routine
I did the homophobia vs racism routine
I did the getting literally picked up at the club routine

Oh my god
I am going to have to come up with new stuff
I only come up with new stuff in the shower
And there is a problem with the drain right now

I am realizing
It is not about the famousphere
As much as it is about the art
And I know how pretentious that is going to sound
But it's true

I would much rather
Do this for a few years
And then be on TV
As opposed to being the Leave Britney Alone boy

He got a talent agent
A week before I went onstage
That was the fire
There cannot be another skinny blonde girly boy making it big
I have to be the only one

My brother watches Joel Osteen
He says to celebrate yourself not compare
Perhaps the world is big enough for the both of us

Am I bipolar

Today in New York

I was SO productive -- and the night ended with a rather stellar performance at The Laugh Lounge, if I say so myself!