Gays of Our Lives Part I

For this new feature in this underused blog, we will look back at recent events in my life that aren't as dramatic as I think they are. Certain names and identifying details have been changed, but everything else is true ...


Like sands through the hourglass, so are




The Gays of Our Lives

Sponsored by Bod body spray and Kiehl's Eye Energy Serum

Previously on Gays of Our Lives:


My friend Diva was in town, and after exchanging Christmas presents we went to a gay bar downtown -- it's always our place to go because if I bring that girl anywhere else downtown I will have to spend the entire night cock-blocking. Diva is the best person to go out with because she dances but doesn't drink, so I get to be wasted but save money on cabfare. Also, Diva went to Justin Morneau's wedding the night before and is instantly cooler than I will ever hope to be.

I don't know if you've ever been to this club, but it's a pretty big place and they have the drag show/Retro Bar upstairs and then downstairs has the dance floor (house music), a really small dance floor for current stuff, a big bar and then this kind of hidden bar that's by the ATM's and vending machines. It is downstairs in which Diva and I meet Ryan.

Ryan is the bartender, about 5'9", but relatively jacked. He was wearing a green PUMA T-shirt and had nice dimples. We first saw him when asking him where coat check was because I am retarded and don't understand there's a whole nother hallway in the joint. At some point he mentions having a boyfriend and my ears perk up because bartenders in gay bars are a lot like guys in gay porn; just because they're there doesn't mean they're actually gay in real life, and it's not a give-in that they are.

Ryan: "Do you have a boyfriend?"
Jakey: "Hells no!"
Ryan: "Why?"
Jakey: "I'm shallow as hell and I'm not looking."
Ryan: "Why are you shallow?"
Jakey (makes awkward flexing gesture)
Ryan: "Huh?"
Diva: "He likes jocks. And muscles."
Frank: "Do I have big enough muscles for you?" (he sooo does)
Ryan: "I'm not that shallow. You just have to laugh at my jokes and be able to put up shelves."
Ryan: "I like to laugh. I'd put up your shelves."
Jakey: *blusssshhh*
Ryan: "A lot of guys like the opposite. I like short skinny white boys." (this makes sense except Ryan is white)

Diva and I continue going all over the club -- the drag show and bathrooms are upstairs, and every time I get a drink I get them from Ryan except for my first one which is from the bartender who always wears Affliction T-shirts. At midnight in the bathroom I am putting on concealor.

"No one saw me do this," I announce. Who the fuck is going to judge? There's a drag queen pissing behind me.
"Jakey?" I hear someone ask, and it's Ricky Stevens.

A month ago, Ricky Stevens added me on Facebook. We went to high school together but he was a bit younger than I am. I responded to his friend request because I am a Facebook whore, whereas I'm beginning to wonder if Ricky is an actual whore. He went and got one of those "sexy" photo shooots, and oh my god, it would make Gaysian, my original high school nemesis, blush. Do not type in his name to get his profile picture. You will have post-traumatic stress disorder. Also, his profile is all about gay gay gay gay gay and he claims that 'he has been out since he was 12 years old', so I guess we're just gonna forget about that day when I was working at Walgreens and he was buying Tracey Bregman a bouquet of plastic flowers and a card in hopes she would be his girlfriend. Yeah.

Of course, any anger I have for Ricky didn't exist at that moment, and he introduces me to his friend Dom, who is tall and I think is handsome but Diva later informs me that I must have had vodka goggles on (and it's true because at this point I noticed Ricky has gotten a little thicker in the good way and if he wanted to make out at thatmoment I probably would have. I AM SUCH A SLUT). Ricky tells us that he dances in his underwear at this club and at another one a few blocks away.

"Diva used to do that!" I offer.
"Diva!" she yells.
"Oops," I say, but in Diva's defense she only danced at classy joints and never removed her panties.

We go back to Ryan's bar for round .... seven? Christ. I drink way too much.
"So can I have your number?" Ryan asks. I refuse, but Diva gives him mine.
"You're cute" he texts me.

When we leave I text him to have a good night and he says "you as well". Later he asks me what I like to do when fucking around. Because I am a slut I reply making out and geting picked up and he replies "really? that's cool." We make fake plans.

WEDNESDAY

Ryan calls at 7:30 in the morning and 7:45 in th emorning. I sleep through it. He calls again at noon and I answer it, still waking up. He asks if I want to fuck around at 2 AM, and I say I can't, cursing the fact that I don't have my own car or my own uptown apartment. However, Ryan still has a boyfriend and I am not oging to be the other woman because that is just asking the world for bad karma, like today when my father dropped me off at a green light and I told the old man honkkng at us to fuck off. I was punished by having to overhear a conversation on the light rail between a bunch of high school kids about Twilight.

SATURDAY

Ryan texts me while I am watching the Golden Globes and asks if I am going out tonight. I say no, again cursing the fact that I live at home and not a fancy uptown apartment. I ask if he is working tomorrow and he says yes. Foreshadowing!

Nineties Baby

I remember when he first spoke your name
And I tried so hard to play it cool
Kept downing the vodka like it was water
God knows I wasn't gonna be a fool

But I twisted my hair in knots
Kept staring at the ground
'Cause truth be told I can't compete with you

You're just a nineties baby
(nineties baby)
Young cute and insecure
Yeah I used to be just like you
You never know your beauty 'til it fades away
You never know your greatness 'til they take it away
You're just a nineties baby

I don't care what he thinks of you
He's gonna add you to the discard pile in time
I hate myself for what I think of you
Shouldn't hate you, you've not done a crime

To be mature it's jealousy
He sees me in one way but you in another
And I gotta take a bow or just duck and cover

You're just a nineties baby
(nineties baby)
Young cute and insecure
Yeah I used to be just like you
You never know your beauty 'til it fades away
You never know your greatness 'til they take it away
You're just a nineties baby

It's gonna be hell today
It's gonna take a while
But it's gonna be okay
Soon I'll be able to smile
Again

Yeah yeah
I used to be you
Young cute and insecure
And deep down I'd love to be you
Young cute and insecure
But you're just a nineties baby
Nineties baby
You never know your beauty 'til it fades away
You never know your greatness 'til they take it away
You're just a nineties baby

Musings

I'm going to write. Because I have not written in forever and maybe that is why I have been so anxious lately. I have so much going on in my head and I kind of put it away but it's still there. I really SHOULD be doing yoga but my lazy ass does not want to go back to the basement. Okay then.


It's not a race.

This is what I keep telling myself. Ever since I was 20 I have been convinced I am too old to go after my dreams. I have dark circles under my eyes and all of a sudden that means I don't look 16 anymore. No, what it does mean is I have to cut back on drinking, and I am thinking that I am gonna go three weeks without it until Julie's sister's birthday in a few weeks. I was looking at my journal from the New York year the other day, and I had this big epiphany, like, WOW, I was definitely an alcoholic in the sense of the word. I had no friends when I was in New York. I had voids to fill. I filled it with a liter of vodka a week.

I don't hate my job. The schedule kind of sucks, but that's retail. I mainly work in the men's fitting room where the men look like models and I get to take their rejects. I don't want to be there forever, but in this recession, a job is a job and I'm lucky to have it.

I am going back to school in June. It is a community college in downtown Minneapolis. We shall see how it goes. My plan is to get an Associates Degree and somehow that is gonna let me move back to New York, on my own terms. I don't want to obsess about time, but my goal is to be there by the time I'm 25. If I cut back on the drinking and keep using Keihl's Eye Energy Cream, available at Nordstrom for $29.97, I will look 21 and no one has to know. It's gonna be okay.

This month my father and I have seen Gran Torino and The Wrestler. Good flicks. Next month I will be taking part in the Supporting Actress Smackdown at stinkylulu.com, so I have three more movies that I for sure have to see before Oscar time.

For the past few weeks I was immersed in a pseudo love triangle with an attractive bartender and a kid who I went to high school with that I don't even want to talk about because when I do I became very angry and hateful. I will see the bartender in three weeks and I'm trying not to obsess about it. I don't care who he plays board games with, but if he has played board games with this kid he cannot play board games with me.

I am going to try to write more in here because I miss blogging and the commmunity that follows. I have been in such a weird mood lately.

2008 Supporting Actress Blogathon

The following is an entry of Stinky Lulu's 3rd Annual Supporting Actress Blogathon. For a great variety of other entries, please visit stinkylulu.com

Before this post begins, I feel that I must defend my choice this year by saying that, while I am a pop culture/cinema aficionado, I can literally count on one hand the five 2008 releases I saw this year. Stop Loss was riveting, and not just because of my imaginary engagement to Channing Tatum; Sex and the City was a fitting 140-minute episode of the show; Pineapple Express was an enjoyable comedy/action hybrid; and The Dark Knight was a surprisingly cynical epic that I hope doesn't get overlooked in the Best Picture Race. However, not one of these films featured a Supporting Actress performance that caused me leaving to leave the theater with it still brewing in my mind, and the one that did was the very surprising and unlikely:





MARY STEENBURGEN in STEPBROTHERS

Like nearly all of Will Ferrell's films, Stepbrothers is a one-joke premise stretched thinly over 90 minutes. In this particular film, the simple plot features Ferrell's Brennan Huff competing with fellow 40-year-old homebody Dale Doback (John C. Reilly) when their parents quickly fall in love and get married (it is to the film's credit that the plot point of the marriage plays over literally the first few minutes). The entire film's running gag: Dale and Brennan are adults but act like 12-year-old boys. Dale's father, Robert, is a gruff medical doctor, while Brennan's mother is the vivacious and sweet-hearted Nancy Huff, who is so breathtaking that when Robert first sees her, in the audience while conducting a seminar, he commits a vulgar Freudian slip.

During her first scenes, it is Steenburgen's beauty that draws us to her character. A beautiful woman who has allowed herself to age gracefully (she looks preserved but not Botoxed to hell), it's not difficult for the audience to see why a wealthy older man would fall in love with her in a crowded room. However, the implausibility that the 55-year-old Steenburgen is playing a mother to a 39-year-old will just have to be overlooked.




But as the story unfolds, and Brennan and Dale find themselves united against Brennan's successful and snide younger brother Derek (Adam Scott in a memorable performance), Steenburgen's Nancy becomes the conscience of the film. During the scene later in the film when Nancy and Robert inform "the boys" that the house is being sold, Steenburgen's Nancy remains firm in her "bad cop" role, yet avoids eye contact and at one point even shuts her eyes for a prolonged period. Steenburgen aptly plays up the conflict of Nancy in this scene; she doesn't love her son more than she loves her husband, but she understands that the apron strings can't be tied forever.

And during the scenes where Nancy is surrounded by both her son, Steenburgen does a masterful job of never letting us think she loves one more than the other. She gives her sons both looks of admiration, even though one is financially ten times worth the other. The movie is full of scenes of frenetic chaos, but other than a brief expletive when hosing down the boys as they fight in the front yard, Nancy always remains glued together, even when her and Robert finally announce their divorce at Christmas (and since it's a Will Ferrell comedy, it involves loud sobbing and vomit).

Steenburgen also provides one of the film's biggest laughs, during an early scene when Nancy explains to Robert the animosity between her sons. While printed words won't do justice to the flashback she narrates, it ends with Robert telling her that "Ice, Ice, Baby" really is a great song. "It is," Nancy emphatically agrees as the film quickly smash cuts to another scene. Steenburgen's character is the back drop for most of the movie, but the scene is an example of how she makes the most of her dialogue.

Stepbrothers is not a great film by any stretch of the imagination; at face value, it's a fast-paced and wacky comedy. And while Ferrell and co-writer and director Adam McKay are, as they did in Anchorman, wise to divvy up hilarious supporting roles (Scott and Jenkins are especially good, and Kathryn Hahn, as Derek's wife with a nymphomaniacal crush on Dale, is gleefully over-the-top), Steenburgen's restrained and believable performance is the real gem here. She's a sexy, older woman -- but not one played up as a "cougar" or sexpot -- with a conflicted love for both her sons, one an egomaniacal alpha male and the other a childish screw-up. And by making her character's love for her son so evident (a knowing grin here, a frustrated stare there), Steenburgen leads the audience to love the immaturity of Brennan -- truly an amazing feat.

Today's Bitching

I let strangers use my cell phone way too much because I am a doormat and obsessed with having bad karma. Anyway, tonight on the light rail this kid who can't be older than 12 asks if he can use my cell phone, and I figure he has to call his mom or something because it's 11 P.M. and what the hell is a kid that age doing on the train this late, anyway?

Ummm, no, this little fucker calls San Diego and northern Minnesota just to shoot the shit with his friends. I have free long distance, but I was still pissed off that somebody took advantage of my liberal white guilt. Also, there was a really cute guy on the train but I did not look very sexy because I was stuffing my face with cashews and getting crumbs all over my coat.

Oh, and at work MY LEAST FAVORITE CUSTOMER CAME IN AGAIN. His name is Ron and he thinks he can get discounts just for being Ron. "Can you make this an extra 30% off?" he will ask. "No," I will smile, and he will in all seriousness ask "Can someone else?" FUCK YOU RON. THIS IS AMERICA. WE DO NOT BARTER HERE.

Also, I spilled the box of safety pins while putting shirts away and pricked myself eight thousand times. Also, sexy sexy boys came in. I should delete that sentence because I am not thirteen anymore.

Happy New Year Kids.

Today At Work a Lady Called Me an Idiot

I was putting scarves away at the same time she was looking at scarves, and the convo went like this:

Me: "Are you finding stuff okay?"
Lady: "I was until you knocked a scarf into my face. IDIOT."

I mean, I've certainly been called worse; I honestly don't think I've been called an idiot since grade school. I mean, who says that?? And for fuck's sake, on Christmas Eve Eve of all days! I don't want to dwell on it but I hope she cooks a bad Christmas dinner and everyone in her family gets food poisoning.

Survey for y'all

1. Name:
2. Birthday:
3. Place of residence:
4. What makes you happy:
5. What are you listening to now/have listened to last:
6. Do you read my blog?:
7. If you do, what is particularly good/bad about it:
8. An interesting fact about you:
9. Are you in love/do you have a crush at the moment:
10. Favorite place to be:
11. Favorite lyric:
12. Best time of the year:


Recommend:

1. A film:
2. A book:
3. A band, a song and an album:


Plus:

1. One thing you like about me:
2. Two things you like about yourself:
3. Put this in your blog so I can tell you what I think of you.