Today in New York

After a week of being sick and then two days of not getting out of bed (I sleep all the time because my REM cycles run like a high-speed ferris wheel ... I have about five dreams per night), I finally ventured to Manhattan today to get me a damn job! I also wanted to go get my haircut by the Sexy Bosnians, but I didn't get there in time, so now I have to go there tomorrow when my mother is in town!

I chose to take the N train into the city instead of the R train, because I realized I would be late for the barber shop anyway, and the N train goes above a bridge while the R doesn't. I think that's why people on the R always look so sad. They ride the Subway of Seasonal Depression.

I dropped off an application to be a host at a diner, and they made me take a test! WTF? "List five examples of good service." "List ten examples of good service." This is HARD, I thought to myself, but I think I did okay, except for Question #5, "What is in an egg cream?", which I simply answered with "Bananas".

Then I got home in time to watch Jeopardy! This week is Week Two of the College Championship, and I am waaaayyyy to into it this year, to the point of pure embarrassment. It's been a hoot on TelevisionWithoutPity.com because one of the finalists has been posting. Tomorrow she competes against a very annoying person who she assures us is actually nice in real life, and a boy from Mississippi State who I am way too embarrassed to have a crush on. WHO WATCHES GAME SHOWS AND GETS CRUSHES ON THE CONTESTANTS?? Like, really. Not to mention that while on the stalled 2 train I was already sounding like an 85-year-old, griping that I was going to miss Jeopardy.

My mother is visiting tomorrow, so I am either going to clean. Or drink.

Are You There, God? It's Me, Jakey

My grandma died in October. She had 13 grandchildren and seven great-grandchildren. I was the only one of them who was not at her funeral, because I was in New York wasting my life.

I didn't cry when she died. She had been suffering from a brain tumor for over a year, and my mother and aunt were functioning as her caregivers. Still, I always assumed I would see her again, and did not know that our July trip to her care center, where we had a barbecue and I was too lazy to climb over the table and hug her, would be the last time I would see her.

I sent an e-mail to be read aloud at her funeral, speaking of how she would always take Dane and me to movies we weren't allowed to see and would give us Pepsi whenever she wanted. Then I never thought about her. Consumed in my own drama, I put my thoughts about her away, knowing I would deal with them again someday.

It is Mother's Day. At 2 in the morning, I was on the toilet having my usual bout of Irritable Bowel Syndrome. It is perhaps wrong to have spiritual experiences on the toilet, but that is where I usually have them, because I am alone with my thoughts or listening to Delilah.

I folded my hands and talked to God. I started sobbing and I said I was sorry for doing this on the toilet, but hopefully He didn't care about stuff about that. I asked him to put Grandma on the line. I don't know what she was doing, but God went to go get her. I wonder what time zone she is in.

And I finally talked to her. I told her I was sorry that I wasn't at her funeral, that I didn't call enough, that I didn't get my driver's license and drive up to see her. She told me it was okay. She asked me how New York was. I told her I was sorry she could never go see it. I told her I was screwing everything up, and she told me that I could still do it, and she always knew she would see my name in lights. I said I was sorry for talking to her while I was on the toilet. I asked her if she ever plays Scrabble in heaven.

Then I knew I would be okay.

Viral Vendredi: Trish vs. Stephanie

In honor of her surprise appearance on Raw Monday night ...

Trish Stratus reflects on her legendary feud with Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley in 2001

Quick Thoughts

I have a lot of thoughts on a lot of things that I don't feel like writing entire entries about, because, really, who would read them? So I will just do a quick play-by-play of what I feel about the world right now. Yes, I stole this from today's episode of Oprah. Don't judge. Also, this is only my opinion, and my opinion is by no means more important than anybody else's. I am doing this out of boredom, and because I typed this while at the laundromat.

The Mariah Wedding:

I admit that I have blind love for Mariah. She could announce plans to do a sequel to Glitter and I would be on board, begging for the part of the hair stylist with a heart of gold. My admittedly odd opinion about Nick Cannon I can save for another rant. I will say that while I wish nothing but rainbows for Mariah, if she did not sign a pre-nup she has been sniffing too much M perfume.

American Idol

Davids finale, with Big David winning. Little David is talented as hell but does the same thing every week. I will take this all back if next week he covers Motley Crue or something.

Election '08

Seriously, if I hear one more person assume that people are only pro-Hilary because she is white and they are racist, or are only pro-Barack because he is black and young in the world of politics, I will blow a gasket. And I don't even really know what a gasket is, and how one blows it, so maybe I should be more cautious about word choice. I am all for a unified dream ticket, because otherwise McCain is going to win like Bush in '04 and we will be in Iraq until the sun explodes.

Barbara Walters

Is a living legend and can say whatever the hell she wants at this point.

Huge Pothole in Brooklyn

Did you hear about this?? There was a pothole in Bay Ridge so big that an SUV almost sank in it (but thankfully, only lost a tire). No wonder I take the subway.

These Dreams

I think the reason that I sleep so much is because my dreams are too vivid. Last night I was with my mother and Aunt Jennifer and we were in Menomonie but staying in this really cute motel, and my room was a single but it had two beds and its own bathroom and I decided that I wanted to LIVE THERE FOREVER. Forget my foolish pipe dreams. Then I ran over Channing Tatum and Ryan Phillippe's feet with a scooter. I don't get it, either.

if you are what you say you are

you are in charge of your own destiny
the only person that can change your life is yourself
if you hate the person you are being
STOP BEING THAT PERSON

wow
on paper this is so easy

ok so maybe this is the plan
work full-time for a year
land on my feet
then do what i wanna do

tomorrow is may 7th
already
may 7th

i am going to have to move in a month
i have nowhere to go
i am stuck
i am molasses
i am jan brady
i dont know why i said i am jan brady
but it was in my head

i am so angry right now
why did erin have to go to france
this is why i am going insane
because i do not have someone to talk to for three hours a day
i turned into someone i did not enjoy
if my life were for rent i would not want to buy it
i love that song
i wonder if it is on my itunes

bitch bitch bitch
i have been a broken record
since september
what the fuck
shut the fuck up
i am so sick of this
i am so over this
i should join a convent
i have no one
there is nothing
it is all me
i have to find the strength
no one can give me it
nobody can make things happen but me
we are responsible in the end

Reflections

Reflections Part One


Last week
After an 80-day countdown
I went back
To Menomonie Wisconsin

I was somebody again
People actually knew who I was
All of the boys looked like models
At Logjam I knew 80% of the bar
I felt alive

And I focused very hard
On being present
Not thinking about "what if"
Or "If only"

I would have left anyway

I had to remind myself
That despite all of the pictures
Of basement party after basement party
And me smiling with my posse
That I was not happy during Year Two

Did they ever know
That between February and April
When I knew I was leaving
But before Brooklyn happened

I went on Amazon.com
Bought three Dashboard Confessional CD's
Sat in the dark for three months
Listening to songs about girls and leaving

I do not know where I will be living
Two months from now
That kind of scares me

I cannot go back to STA
I look at the houses
Where my friends grew up
They have all moved on
Is my life just one big circle?

What if
If only
Blah blah blah

News & Notes

*Sometime soon, I would like to reflect on my visit to my old school last week. It was truly a blessing, and I worked very hard to be present during it, and not focus on the "What if?" factor. If anything, it cemented the fact that the reason I'm no longer there is because, had I chosen my life's Plan A, I still would have had the lingering doubt in the back of my head that I really wanted to be a writer and performer.

*So with that, the first step to be a successful writer and performer is to get a job doing none of those things, because writing and performing do not pay the bills in their amateur stages. Unfortunately, I cannot apply to any jobs in person right now because I am coughing like a tuberculosis victim. On this I blame either: a) four nights of drinking combined with my poor immune system), b) all of the walking I did in the rain on Monday coming back from the airport, or c) the horrible coughing children on the airplane. That said, I do already have an interview lined up! That's good. It's for a salon that won't open for two more months. That's bad.

*StinkyLulu poses an interesting question about "queer cinema" on one of his latest blogs. I recommend it if you have an opinion of the topic. Check out the link on the top right corner.