Adrift in New York

Follow Me ...

2009-06-17T18:45:00.000-07:00

...to my new blog

at jakeyonblogspot.com

It is supposed to be Jakey On, as I plan it to be a place of observation, although understand if it could also be somebody named Jake Yon.

I hope to see you there, and thank you if you have ever visited this place.

My Father is Pissed

2009-04-17T23:55:00.001-07:00

This thread is kind of like a Simpsons episode because at the beginning you are going to wonder how in the hell it ties into the point, but just trust me that it does.

I worked from 9 to 6 today, and it is the rare opening shift that I work about once a month. My father picked me up downtown at about five to seven, and we prepared to go to the house where my brother was hosting a barbecue for the basketball team that he is coaching. I arrive at my house to a group of 17-year-old boys who laugh at my jokes. Hooray!

I feel like hot shit because I am wearing my new Hugo Boss suit, but I change into casual clothing and mingle with the kids and their parents, then accidentally poke my brother in the eye. Good times are had by all.

But I cannot help but feel stangely nostalgic! Perhaps it is because it is 75 in Minnesota, and it may as well feel like summer, and at the risk of sounding maudlin, I have not had an enjoyable summer in my life since three years ago, the summer of 2005, when I cashiered at Walgreens and foolishly THOUGHT that life sucked since my three closest friends at the time were living in China, San Diego, and Iran, but in retrospect it is where I grew, not to mention the emotional affair I had with the boy from Texas whose name I still randomly hear when the wind blows.

After the barbecue is over I prepare for an emo walk with my iPod, complete with recently downloaded tunes like "There Is" by Boxcar Racer. As I have made it about half a mile I am approached by my best friend Erin McCloskey from her Ford Taurus just as Mariah Carey is blaring! We venture to Jake's Sports Bar and Grill, my father's home away from home, but the bartender he hates is working, so we go to the Village Pub instead.

Long story short. My father meets us there and we meet up with the pub's owner, whose son is currently living in Los Angeles and doing improv and OH MY GOD LET'S ALL BLOW SMOKE UP HIS ASS and hey you know buddy I could have been something too but now I live with my parents and work at the mall, and Erin goes home because she has been feeling ill for the past ten days but knows it is karma ever since April Fool's Day when she broke up with her boyfriend as a joke and made him cry (yes, in her mind this was hiliarious), and while my father is outside smoking I reunite with Sue, who was a teacher's aide when I was in middle school and would wake me up during math class!

Here is where the conflict ensues. Sue has me talk to Julianne, an acquainance of my father's who ran for City Council the same time he did (they both later lost to the incumbents who have continued to fuck over our fair city, but you can't be bitter forever). Julianne once asked me to baby-sit her twin daughters but later found someone else. I have never really talked to Julianne. She is apparently a bitch when she is drunk.

"My daughters are scared of men," she explains. "But they probably wouldn't be very scared of you."
"Yeah, I'm not like The Hulk...." I downplay in a voice so SUE KNOWS I AM PISSED.
Sue sympathizes with me and Julianne goes to smoke with my father. Upon their return, my father and his cursed weak bladder go off to pee. Julianne returns to Sue and me (who have been having a WONDERFUL! conversation) and I do not know where my father is.

"Where is my father?" I cry.
"Oh my god," Julianne scoffs. "Could you be any gayer?'
"Um, so back to the big dick I was sucking," I immediately respond, and Sue playfully slaps me, and I will never know if this was because she was genuinely offended or to downplay the moment.
"Your father is peeing," Julianne says.
"Well, he has diabetes," I say.
"Really?????" the women gasp.
"Well, Type II, nothing serious," I say.

My father comes out of the bathroom. The women grill him on his diabetes. He is pissed.

"I would appreciate if you wouldn't air my dirty laundry," he says later in the car. "I don't air yours." WELL, MY DIRTY LAUNDRY CAN'T BE TOLD FROM MY VOICE, DAMMIT.
"Well, I was trying to change the subject," I defend. "Julianne made me feel bad."
"Yeah, I smoked with her," my father said. "She was like 'did you know your son is gay?' and I said 'yes, we've known forever'."
"Well, I'M SORRY," I continue. "I was feeling attacked and I wanted to change the subject. Apparently I chose the wrong topic."
"Yeah you did," grumbles my father.
Now I feel bad. And sober, despite the five vodka drinks I had. Ho hum.

I Dreamed a Dream

2009-04-16T22:36:00.001-07:00

I joined a gym yesterday. It happened by complete accident as I was only there to do a Body Works class with my best friend Erin. We had half an hour to kill and ended up talking to the director, who happened to be in a shirt and tie and laughed at some of my jokes. How could I resist? Besides, I always had excuses to not join a gym and have realized that, expenses be damned, I have to stop using them. The director explains to me that on Monday I will be meeting with a personal trainer. In my head, I hope that my trainer is a five-foot-tall girl named Mindy who will be firm but sweet and won't make me feel bad for not being able to lift more than 15 pounds.

"Uh, your trainer's gonna be Jason," the director says. "I don't see him right now. He's the tall, blondish guy."
"Jesus Christ," I mutter to Erin.
"Oh, there he is! Come say hi!" the director says. No, I do not get the five-foot-tall girl named Mindy. I get Jason the hulking muscle god. I will spend all of Monday alternately trying not to be embarrassed and trying not to blush. Jason got more of my jokes than the director did, though. Also, Body Works KICKED MY ASS. So much for my goal of "getting my shit tight."

I had a customer today who used to go to Stout. He looked like a million bucks and I looked like a bus hit me. He acted like he didn't know who I was. Maybe he didn't. But I could not help but feel that he was judging me behind his perfection. I was not a rock star or anything, but I cannot help but feel that this is not where I am supposed to be. However, I will not be returning to New York City until I find a bag of money or actually finish my damn book, whichever comes first.

On the way home from the light rail, two girls from work and I were discussing our colleagues. In other words, gossiping. Whatever. When you spend 47 hours a week at the same place together, it's what you're gonna talk about. This lady in front of us said "I'll bet her ears are burning", and then thirty minutes later she asked us what store we worked at. I ignored her but should have told her we worked at Macy's.

2009-04-15T19:23:00.001-07:00

Ouldves

2009-04-13T23:20:00.001-07:00

I am going back to school.

It is two more years. For a degree I don't even know I want.

I want to act. That was fun. They said I was good in Brooklyn. "You have a lot of talent," she said. I wish I would have been awake then. I am trying to stay away from the "ouldves", but Brooklyn College and that whole New York City thing sure does have a lot of them. Could've would've should've. Or if's. Lots of if's. If only I had not been depressed for nine months BEFORE I find out I was going to Brooklyn College. Y'know. That kind of stuff.

I run into people who went to Stout when I am at work. Today a boy came in and he stared me down, like he knew me from somewhere but wasn't sure how. He was never that nice to me anyway, and I know things about him, like the time he slept with one of my friends while she had a boyfriend.

I'm allegedly doing comedy. Like actually gonna DO IT AGAIN. I haven't gone up there in a year and a half. I am worried I will bomb.

I got my heart broken. It was very surprising when it happened and I never thought it would ever happen to me. I mean, it did in tenth grade when the boy I liked said "I like women" but that is different. This time it was by someone who liked men, too. He stepped out of my life for several months and when he did he told me he was in AA and sober for 72 days. I wanted to be happy for him but instead I just got confused. Should I go to AA? But then if I go to AA it will only be another thing that reminds me of him and it will just make me sad, and when I am sad I usually drink but I am not going to drink tonight because it is Monday and I think I am going to drink tomorrow and Wednesday and you just have to balance these things.

Then I thought empty sex would make me feel better but I couldn't go through with it because I kept thinking about other people, so instead I took a cab home at 4:30 in the morning and gave him a fake phone number, and maybe it wasn't the nicest thing to do because he was begging me to stay the night, but I just couldn't get myself to do it. Also, SO MUCH HAIR.

I am waiting to push a button and for everything to make sense.

Things I'm Crazy About This Week

2009-02-25T18:02:00.000-08:00

The following are things I'm crazy about this week:

1. THE OSCARS

I'm a big Oscar nerd yet I never win my Oscar pool (this year my father won with 19 correct -- I only had 13). I had the privilege this year to participate in the Supporting Actress Smackdown over at StinkyLulu.com. While Penelope Cruz was the unanaimous vote (myself included), I was glad to read all the kind words about Marisa Tomei, as I thought hers was a very subtle, nuanced performance. 'Twas a good time.

2. KIEHL'S EYE ENERGY CREAM

You can get this stuff at Nordstrom. I have been using it for the past two months and already look noticably less like I've been punched in the face. I realize the best way to combat dark circles is to get more sleep, drink less alcohol, drink more water and exercise, but what fun is that?

3. CALIFORNIA DREAMIN

Next week I am going to visit Los Angeles with my friend Diva! I am planning to wear a T-shirt that reads Tan and Buff the entire time.

4. THE SINBAD AND JAKEY SHOW

I have ventured into the world of radio and our fourth show is tonight! Stemming from the message board of wrestlingobserver.com, the Sinbad and Jakey Show is a rather eclectic mix of pro wrestling, pop culture, message board gossip and whatever callers want to discuss. A link is on the right hand corner ...

5. CHANNING TATUM

Because some things never change.

Head on Over ...

2009-02-22T10:26:00.000-08:00

To stinkylulu.com for this year's Supporting Actress Smackdown! StinkyLulu: Supporting Actress Smackdown - 2008#links#links I finally lost my Smackdown virginity and I am in great company.

The Oscars are tonight and I am always reminded of my high school days when I hosted Oscar parties, complete with $5 pool and easel tracking the statistics. Most importantly, formal wear was REQUIRED and one year a girl came wearing sweatpants and I was just a stone cold bitch to her. Everyone was welcome and we always ended up with an eclectic group. I hope you all enjoy the show tonight.

Gays of Our Lives Part I

2009-02-10T23:19:00.001-08:00

For this new feature in this underused blog, we will look back at recent events in my life that aren't as dramatic as I think they are. Certain names and identifying details have been changed, but everything else is true ...

Like sands through the hourglass, so are

The Gays of Our Lives

Sponsored by Bod body spray and Kiehl's Eye Energy Serum

Previously on Gays of Our Lives:

My friend Diva was in town, and after exchanging Christmas presents we went to a gay bar downtown -- it's always our place to go because if I bring that girl anywhere else downtown I will have to spend the entire night cock-blocking. Diva is the best person to go out with because she dances but doesn't drink, so I get to be wasted but save money on cabfare. Also, Diva went to Justin Morneau's wedding the night before and is instantly cooler than I will ever hope to be.

I don't know if you've ever been to this club, but it's a pretty big place and they have the drag show/Retro Bar upstairs and then downstairs has the dance floor (house music), a really small dance floor for current stuff, a big bar and then this kind of hidden bar that's by the ATM's and vending machines. It is downstairs in which Diva and I meet Ryan.

Ryan is the bartender, about 5'9", but relatively jacked. He was wearing a green PUMA T-shirt and had nice dimples. We first saw him when asking him where coat check was because I am retarded and don't understand there's a whole nother hallway in the joint. At some point he mentions having a boyfriend and my ears perk up because bartenders in gay bars are a lot like guys in gay porn; just because they're there doesn't mean they're actually gay in real life, and it's not a give-in that they are.

Ryan: "Do you have a boyfriend?"
Jakey: "Hells no!"
Ryan: "Why?"
Jakey: "I'm shallow as hell and I'm not looking."
Ryan: "Why are you shallow?"
Jakey (makes awkward flexing gesture)
Ryan: "Huh?"
Diva: "He likes jocks. And muscles."
Frank: "Do I have big enough muscles for you?" (he sooo does)
Ryan: "I'm not that shallow. You just have to laugh at my jokes and be able to put up shelves."
Ryan: "I like to laugh. I'd put up your shelves."
Jakey: *blusssshhh*
Ryan: "A lot of guys like the opposite. I like short skinny white boys." (this makes sense except Ryan is white)

Diva and I continue going all over the club -- the drag show and bathrooms are upstairs, and every time I get a drink I get them from Ryan except for my first one which is from the bartender who always wears Affliction T-shirts. At midnight in the bathroom I am putting on concealor.

"No one saw me do this," I announce. Who the fuck is going to judge? There's a drag queen pissing behind me.
"Jakey?" I hear someone ask, and it's Ricky Stevens.

A month ago, Ricky Stevens added me on Facebook. We went to high school together but he was a bit younger than I am. I responded to his friend request because I am a Facebook whore, whereas I'm beginning to wonder if Ricky is an actual whore. He went and got one of those "sexy" photo shooots, and oh my god, it would make Gaysian, my original high school nemesis, blush. Do not type in his name to get his profile picture. You will have post-traumatic stress disorder. Also, his profile is all about gay gay gay gay gay and he claims that 'he has been out since he was 12 years old', so I guess we're just gonna forget about that day when I was working at Walgreens and he was buying Tracey Bregman a bouquet of plastic flowers and a card in hopes she would be his girlfriend. Yeah.

Of course, any anger I have for Ricky didn't exist at that moment, and he introduces me to his friend Dom, who is tall and I think is handsome but Diva later informs me that I must have had vodka goggles on (and it's true because at this point I noticed Ricky has gotten a little thicker in the good way and if he wanted to make out at thatmoment I probably would have. I AM SUCH A SLUT). Ricky tells us that he dances in his underwear at this club and at another one a few blocks away.

"Diva used to do that!" I offer.
"Diva!" she yells.
"Oops," I say, but in Diva's defense she only danced at classy joints and never removed her panties.

We go back to Ryan's bar for round .... seven? Christ. I drink way too much.
"So can I have your number?" Ryan asks. I refuse, but Diva gives him mine.
"You're cute" he texts me.

When we leave I text him to have a good night and he says "you as well". Later he asks me what I like to do when fucking around. Because I am a slut I reply making out and geting picked up and he replies "really? that's cool." We make fake plans.

WEDNESDAY

Ryan calls at 7:30 in the morning and 7:45 in th emorning. I sleep through it. He calls again at noon and I answer it, still waking up. He asks if I want to fuck around at 2 AM, and I say I can't, cursing the fact that I don't have my own car or my own uptown apartment. However, Ryan still has a boyfriend and I am not oging to be the other woman because that is just asking the world for bad karma, like today when my father dropped me off at a green light and I told the old man honkkng at us to fuck off. I was punished by having to overhear a conversation on the light rail between a bunch of high school kids about Twilight.

SATURDAY

Ryan texts me while I am watching the Golden Globes and asks if I am going out tonight. I say no, again cursing the fact that I live at home and not a fancy uptown apartment. I ask if he is working tomorrow and he says yes. Foreshadowing!

Nineties Baby

2009-02-02T22:53:00.001-08:00

I remember when he first spoke your name
And I tried so hard to play it cool
Kept downing the vodka like it was water
God knows I wasn't gonna be a fool

But I twisted my hair in knots
Kept staring at the ground
'Cause truth be told I can't compete with you

You're just a nineties baby
(nineties baby)
Young cute and insecure
Yeah I used to be just like you
You never know your beauty 'til it fades away
You never know your greatness 'til they take it away
You're just a nineties baby

I don't care what he thinks of you
He's gonna add you to the discard pile in time
I hate myself for what I think of you
Shouldn't hate you, you've not done a crime

To be mature it's jealousy
He sees me in one way but you in another
And I gotta take a bow or just duck and cover

You're just a nineties baby
(nineties baby)
Young cute and insecure
Yeah I used to be just like you
You never know your beauty 'til it fades away
You never know your greatness 'til they take it away
You're just a nineties baby

It's gonna be hell today
It's gonna take a while
But it's gonna be okay
Soon I'll be able to smile
Again

Yeah yeah
I used to be you
Young cute and insecure
And deep down I'd love to be you
Young cute and insecure
But you're just a nineties baby
Nineties baby
You never know your beauty 'til it fades away
You never know your greatness 'til they take it away
You're just a nineties baby

Musings

2009-01-28T22:06:00.001-08:00

I'm going to write. Because I have not written in forever and maybe that is why I have been so anxious lately. I have so much going on in my head and I kind of put it away but it's still there. I really SHOULD be doing yoga but my lazy ass does not want to go back to the basement. Okay then.

It's not a race.

This is what I keep telling myself. Ever since I was 20 I have been convinced I am too old to go after my dreams. I have dark circles under my eyes and all of a sudden that means I don't look 16 anymore. No, what it does mean is I have to cut back on drinking, and I am thinking that I am gonna go three weeks without it until Julie's sister's birthday in a few weeks. I was looking at my journal from the New York year the other day, and I had this big epiphany, like, WOW, I was definitely an alcoholic in the sense of the word. I had no friends when I was in New York. I had voids to fill. I filled it with a liter of vodka a week.

I don't hate my job. The schedule kind of sucks, but that's retail. I mainly work in the men's fitting room where the men look like models and I get to take their rejects. I don't want to be there forever, but in this recession, a job is a job and I'm lucky to have it.

I am going back to school in June. It is a community college in downtown Minneapolis. We shall see how it goes. My plan is to get an Associates Degree and somehow that is gonna let me move back to New York, on my own terms. I don't want to obsess about time, but my goal is to be there by the time I'm 25. If I cut back on the drinking and keep using Keihl's Eye Energy Cream, available at Nordstrom for $29.97, I will look 21 and no one has to know. It's gonna be okay.

This month my father and I have seen Gran Torino and The Wrestler. Good flicks. Next month I will be taking part in the Supporting Actress Smackdown at stinkylulu.com, so I have three more movies that I for sure have to see before Oscar time.

For the past few weeks I was immersed in a pseudo love triangle with an attractive bartender and a kid who I went to high school with that I don't even want to talk about because when I do I became very angry and hateful. I will see the bartender in three weeks and I'm trying not to obsess about it. I don't care who he plays board games with, but if he has played board games with this kid he cannot play board games with me.

I am going to try to write more in here because I miss blogging and the commmunity that follows. I have been in such a weird mood lately.

2008 Supporting Actress Blogathon

2009-01-03T16:30:00.000-08:00

The following is an entry of Stinky Lulu's 3rd Annual Supporting Actress Blogathon. For a great variety of other entries, please visit stinkylulu.com

Before this post begins, I feel that I must defend my choice this year by saying that, while I am a pop culture/cinema aficionado, I can literally count on one hand the five 2008 releases I saw this year. Stop Loss was riveting, and not just because of my imaginary engagement to Channing Tatum; Sex and the City was a fitting 140-minute episode of the show; Pineapple Express was an enjoyable comedy/action hybrid; and The Dark Knight was a surprisingly cynical epic that I hope doesn't get overlooked in the Best Picture Race. However, not one of these films featured a Supporting Actress performance that caused me leaving to leave the theater with it still brewing in my mind, and the one that did was the very surprising and unlikely:

MARY STEENBURGEN in STEPBROTHERS

Like nearly all of Will Ferrell's films, Stepbrothers is a one-joke premise stretched thinly over 90 minutes. In this particular film, the simple plot features Ferrell's Brennan Huff competing with fellow 40-year-old homebody Dale Doback (John C. Reilly) when their parents quickly fall in love and get married (it is to the film's credit that the plot point of the marriage plays over literally the first few minutes). The entire film's running gag: Dale and Brennan are adults but act like 12-year-old boys. Dale's father, Robert, is a gruff medical doctor, while Brennan's mother is the vivacious and sweet-hearted Nancy Huff, who is so breathtaking that when Robert first sees her, in the audience while conducting a seminar, he commits a vulgar Freudian slip.

During her first scenes, it is Steenburgen's beauty that draws us to her character. A beautiful woman who has allowed herself to age gracefully (she looks preserved but not Botoxed to hell), it's not difficult for the audience to see why a wealthy older man would fall in love with her in a crowded room. However, the implausibility that the 55-year-old Steenburgen is playing a mother to a 39-year-old will just have to be overlooked.

But as the story unfolds, and Brennan and Dale find themselves united against Brennan's successful and snide younger brother Derek (Adam Scott in a memorable performance), Steenburgen's Nancy becomes the conscience of the film. During the scene later in the film when Nancy and Robert inform "the boys" that the house is being sold, Steenburgen's Nancy remains firm in her "bad cop" role, yet avoids eye contact and at one point even shuts her eyes for a prolonged period. Steenburgen aptly plays up the conflict of Nancy in this scene; she doesn't love her son more than she loves her husband, but she understands that the apron strings can't be tied forever.

And during the scenes where Nancy is surrounded by both her son, Steenburgen does a masterful job of never letting us think she loves one more than the other. She gives her sons both looks of admiration, even though one is financially ten times worth the other. The movie is full of scenes of frenetic chaos, but other than a brief expletive when hosing down the boys as they fight in the front yard, Nancy always remains glued together, even when her and Robert finally announce their divorce at Christmas (and since it's a Will Ferrell comedy, it involves loud sobbing and vomit).

Steenburgen also provides one of the film's biggest laughs, during an early scene when Nancy explains to Robert the animosity between her sons. While printed words won't do justice to the flashback she narrates, it ends with Robert telling her that "Ice, Ice, Baby" really is a great song. "It is," Nancy emphatically agrees as the film quickly smash cuts to another scene. Steenburgen's character is the back drop for most of the movie, but the scene is an example of how she makes the most of her dialogue.

Stepbrothers is not a great film by any stretch of the imagination; at face value, it's a fast-paced and wacky comedy. And while Ferrell and co-writer and director Adam McKay are, as they did in Anchorman, wise to divvy up hilarious supporting roles (Scott and Jenkins are especially good, and Kathryn Hahn, as Derek's wife with a nymphomaniacal crush on Dale, is gleefully over-the-top), Steenburgen's restrained and believable performance is the real gem here. She's a sexy, older woman -- but not one played up as a "cougar" or sexpot -- with a conflicted love for both her sons, one an egomaniacal alpha male and the other a childish screw-up. And by making her character's love for her son so evident (a knowing grin here, a frustrated stare there), Steenburgen leads the audience to love the immaturity of Brennan -- truly an amazing feat.

Today's Bitching

2008-12-30T23:01:00.001-08:00

I let strangers use my cell phone way too much because I am a doormat and obsessed with having bad karma. Anyway, tonight on the light rail this kid who can't be older than 12 asks if he can use my cell phone, and I figure he has to call his mom or something because it's 11 P.M. and what the hell is a kid that age doing on the train this late, anyway?

Ummm, no, this little fucker calls San Diego and northern Minnesota just to shoot the shit with his friends. I have free long distance, but I was still pissed off that somebody took advantage of my liberal white guilt. Also, there was a really cute guy on the train but I did not look very sexy because I was stuffing my face with cashews and getting crumbs all over my coat.

Oh, and at work MY LEAST FAVORITE CUSTOMER CAME IN AGAIN. His name is Ron and he thinks he can get discounts just for being Ron. "Can you make this an extra 30% off?" he will ask. "No," I will smile, and he will in all seriousness ask "Can someone else?" FUCK YOU RON. THIS IS AMERICA. WE DO NOT BARTER HERE.

Also, I spilled the box of safety pins while putting shirts away and pricked myself eight thousand times. Also, sexy sexy boys came in. I should delete that sentence because I am not thirteen anymore.

Happy New Year Kids.

Today At Work a Lady Called Me an Idiot

2008-12-23T23:31:00.001-08:00

I was putting scarves away at the same time she was looking at scarves, and the convo went like this:

Me: "Are you finding stuff okay?"
Lady: "I was until you knocked a scarf into my face. IDIOT."

I mean, I've certainly been called worse; I honestly don't think I've been called an idiot since grade school. I mean, who says that?? And for fuck's sake, on Christmas Eve Eve of all days! I don't want to dwell on it but I hope she cooks a bad Christmas dinner and everyone in her family gets food poisoning.

Survey for y'all

2008-12-06T22:51:00.000-08:00

1. Name:
2. Birthday:
3. Place of residence:
4. What makes you happy:
5. What are you listening to now/have listened to last:
6. Do you read my blog?:
7. If you do, what is particularly good/bad about it:
8. An interesting fact about you:
9. Are you in love/do you have a crush at the moment:
10. Favorite place to be:
11. Favorite lyric:
12. Best time of the year:

Recommend:

1. A film:
2. A book:
3. A band, a song and an album:

Plus:

1. One thing you like about me:
2. Two things you like about yourself:
3. Put this in your blog so I can tell you what I think of you.

In Which I Begin to Forgive Myself

2008-11-19T18:58:00.001-08:00

OK, so I'm just going to ramble in here because I don't write enough in here and I think writing is good for you, except for yesterday on the light rail when I had a notebook with me and I was writing my thoughts and I ended up writing "MY LIFE IS A WASTE" in giant letters.

I've made a lot of stupid choices in my life and I have to learn to move on so that I can make good choices in the future, but I also have to fotgive myself for making such stupid choices. If I am to believe that I was depressed for two years (which I was), then that is to believe that I was mentally ill. And I'm not saying that as an excuse to end all excuses -- after all, I could not commit murder or a bank and be released on my own recognizance upon telling police that I'm depressed -- but I am saying that to pat myself on the back a little bit. I wasn't Jakey ***** when I was in New York. I had been depressed for nearly a year by the time I was there, and then upon arrival I was like, "OKAY, CITY OF 8 MILLION! OKAY, COMMUTER CAMPUS WHERE I KNOW ABSOLUTELY NO ONE! WELCOME ME WITH OPEN ARMS! FIX ME!"

It didn't work that way. See, when I was a freshman at Stout, I was scared shitless, too -- but I was also naive, confident, and I put myself out there. I won the ThinkFast Trivia Challenge. I was in a sexually charged, provocative play. I floated around, and while I gradually did find my own posse (Season One of The UW to my most loyal readers), I still made sure to find friends and acquaintances from various groups.

I know if that Jakey had been in Brooklyn College, he could have made it. He would have tried out for the acting program in April, and either enrolled in that major if he made it or found another one to embrace. He would have finally been able to study something he had great passion for, and he would have excelled. Again, I'm not saying this to justify the fact that I had a great opportunity and completely blew it, nor to excuse the fact that I completely wasted $16,000 of my mother's precious pre-recession money; but I'm saying this to let myself down easy. I wasn't there. I wasn't myself. I had been broken, almost sleeping, for a very long time.

Of course, this does nothing to change where I am now: 22, living with my parents, working a 40-hour-a-week retail job, all talk and no action. I am also a disgusting hairy beast and can't afford the laser removal, but that is neither here nor there. I am gradually learning that the only person who held me back all these years was myself (and I always knew that, deep down), but I can only achieve my goals if I forgive that person first.

Gymnasts!

2008-11-09T20:16:00.000-08:00

seats because I rule at TicketMaster. I was going to go with my friend Erin but she rolled her ankle while crossing the street downtown (I still think it's karma for not voting in the election), so my mom and I went with my Grandma! I AM SOOOO COOL. Okay, who was there?

Today I went to the US Gymnastics Team Tour at the XCel Energy Center! We had floor

Shawn Johnson is absolutely adorable! I just want to put her in my pocket and feed her bread crumbs. We all loved her even though she is from Iowa.

NASTIA is really good but one of her routines was to that AWFULLL song "Butterfly Kisses", that really creepy one about the dad and his daughter and how he hates that she's growing up, and you can listen to it thinking it's a beautiful song about Christian family values, or you can be me and think that it's about a Joe Simpson who is obviously in love with his own daughter. Uggggh.

Shannon Miller is still doing the tours. She won a medal in Atlanta! I was at the Atlanta games but didn't see gymnastics because we didn't have that kind of money. Instead I saw softball and baseball, and my father is on some Australian blooper sports reel because a softball was pretty much in his lap but he had binoculars so he couldn't tell and it bounced off his crotch and some other bloke caught it. *Sigh*

Does anyone remember Blaine Wilson? He competed in '00 and '04 and during one of those years he did really bad and they kept cutting to his sister crying in the stands, and they weren't happy PhelpsMama tears but like upset, sibling, "Why are you sucking so bad??" tears. He was very good tonight, though, and if you Google him that boy has done more shirtless pictures than Marky Mark.

The Hamm Brothers were there! They both got injured which is why the US Men's team was all rookies. They did a routine to "Stronger" by Kanye West and it was really cool, but their voices still creep me out, and I sound like Sarah Palin when I talk.

Anyway, gymnastics isn't a "gay" sport. You don't have to be gay or a girl to enjoy it is a legitimate sporting event or, in this case, an exhibition of athletic talent. These people work insanely hard and have insanely bangin' bodies that will just make you depressed. My point is that my buying expensive tickets and getting great seats to this show have absolutely nothing to do with "cute boys" or whatever.

[img]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v216/jakeyoftampa/horton44.jpg[/img]
[img]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v216/jakeyoftampa/jhorton2.jpg[/img]

By the way, I LOVE YOU JONATHAN HORTON! I was so mad when the guy from the Gophers team dissed your Oklahoma! I still cheered when you missed that one landing! I loved that you were the only male gymnast to get his own solo routine and I was cheering the loudest! I love that you're a year older than me and that way I don't have to feel like a total creeper! It was so weird this afternoon because you had your shirt off the entire time and I was sitting next to my grandmother! I know you don't swing my way and if you did you would probably end up with someone who looks like Justin Spring anyway, but next time you're in town we should, y'know, go to a Twins game or whatever it is that .... guys ... do! You were my favorite Olympic athlete to watch this summer not because of your adorable Texas drawl or your admittedly bangin body but because while you were all of rookies and dreamers, when the cameras let us in you were always the one cheering the most and the loudest and trying to keep everybody positive even when things weren't going so great, and I felt that it was you that most exemplified your team's spirit of having hope and belief and never giving up and I think I need a drink of water!

2008-09-06T00:31:00.000-07:00

Your son is hopelessly gay"
She told my father

Before this was said
I found her delightful
The 43-year-old local
Who bought me a drink

My father
The father of the hopelessly gay son
Later informed me
That she had five kids by five different dudes
And said she was the C-word
And said he never used the C-word

My father is not a saint
He was not always nice to me
When I was nine years old
In love with a boy named Danny
And letting everybody know about it

Then I got depressed at 13
And his light bulb went off
And he realized that having an alive gay son
Was better than having a dead son

This is the same man
Who saw me in a Caryl Churchill show
Complete with monologue about anonymous blow jobs

This is the same man
Who literally bled putting up my loft freshman year
As I had no athletic skills to offer

This is the same man
Who signed all my tardy slips senior year
Telling me 'someday you will find someone who loves you for you'
Wrongfully assuming my laziness was about a boy
The thought still counts

This is the same man
Who will always fight for me

"She said your son is hopelessly gay"
he told me in the truck
I said I was sorry
He said not to worry
I now wonder what to feel

In the movie in my mind
I move beyond Jake's Sports Cafe
Alas
There is no such thing as a successful lazy person
Ironically
I learned that from Walgreen's World Magazine
Time will tell

The Great Minnesota Get-Together

2008-08-30T15:42:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, Wifey and I went to the Minnesota State Fair, where you can get anything deep-fried and on a stick. Before that we stopped at my work to get my paycheck. They begged me to work a few hours. I aid no like a selfish asshole, then later bitched about my check being less than my last one. After going to the bank, we were on our way to the fair, despite the fact that I realized I had not brushed my teeth. GROSS! Thank God for listerine strips.

Erin wanted to go to the Education Building, where I felt like a dumb-ass since I am a two-time college dropout. Still, we enjoyed the plethora of free crap, such as a free Bill of Rights fan from the ACLU people, a free Joe Mauer poster from Minnesota Health Services, and a free pamphlet from the Jewish History people. Of course, Erin lost the bag later in the day, so there went my plans of talking to my Joe Mauer poster on rainy days, as well as Erin's plans of using the cutting board we won in another building for playing Porktionary.

Then we were off to the L'Oreal booth. They had a red carpet on the way in and I was sad that we didn't have a camera between us. I felt kind of ugly in there because we were in line waiting for the L'Oreal Gays, but then one of them gave me advice and free conditioner samples, and then I felt happy again. Yes, we lost the samples too. On the way out, a L'Oreal Girl complimented my 'Tough Guys Wear Pink" shirt. I LOVED THE L'OREAL BOOTH. I wanted to stay there forever.

We met up with college friends of Erin's and went on rides. I swore a lot. Overall, I was in kind of a lousy mood because I was way too boy-crazy yesterday, and while it is always in a G or PG-rated way, I am so close to being that creepy old guy, even though I totally used Nair today.

I am going downtown to a lounge tonight, first shift tomorrow be damned.

news and notes

2008-08-13T23:09:00.001-07:00

I've been working for almost a month now at Walgreens in North Minneapolis. On the surface, I do not regret my decision; a job is a job, and some money is better than no money, blah blah blah. I only hate it when I'm not there, to be truthful. When I am there, I love my clientele, I love the customers, but when away I just can't help but feel that someone who scored well above the highest national average of his ACT's and ended up getting into a rather difficult university is now working at a Walgreen's in the hood. For that, I have only myself to blame, and therein lies a bunch of issues that I just don't want to go into, because in the end I am the one who has to take responsibility for how my life has ended up, and I think that's what sucks the most.

My current scheudule leaves me to party it up downtown about once a week. Of all the times I've gone out and been drunk this summer, I have fucked things up. Among these:

*Losing my iPod
*Getting poison ivy
*Drunkdialing and later drunk facebooking random boys from St. Thomas
*Walking through construction sites and ruining my shoes
*Losing a really cute shirt
*Getting stiffed on cab fare by alleged Operation Iraqi Freedom veterans
*Being overly affectionate with cherished friends, leading to potential awkwardness
*Drunkdialing people who I had previously cut out of my life because their presence proved more toxic than helpful, now having to roll their eyes when they call me back

There's a lesson here, I'm sure.

What I've Learned: July 2008

2008-08-01T00:18:00.000-07:00

*When drunk at an afternoon pool party, do not get in a car just because there are cute boys in it. You will get dropped off somewhere in Northeast Minneapolis, you will get locked out of your friend's apartment building while trying to get help when she is passed out and can't get into her apartment, you will drunk-dial someone in the phone she has with her but that isn't hers, you WILL end up drunk Facebooking this person like a jackass, you will get poison ivy walking through fields trying to get back to your suburb, you will find out that someone stole your iPod and your booze, and you will realize how much YOU LOVE SUMMER.

*You do not grow if you spend your entire life in your comfort zone, which is why it's okay that instead of working at the Walgreens in Moundsview where you could ring up Abercrombie models all day, you took the job at the Walgreens in North Minneapolis where the only white people you see all day are usually lost.

*Every now and then movies do live up to the hype. (Dark Knight)

*It's okay to go see a movie you're not crazy about if it means you get to spend time with your brother. (Awwwww) The movie was Stepbrothers, and Mary Steenburgen looks great for her age, even though she is 55 and in the movie she is supposed to be the mother of a 39-year-old.

And So it Goes

2008-07-14T19:32:00.000-07:00

A lot happened, and I could explain my thought processes, my debates of changing this from "New York Jakey" to my old one called "Jakey Stays Put", originally titled when my dream of attending school in Tampa, Florida was thwarted and I ended up attending school in Wisconsin, a whole 'nother canof worms. But, y'know what? I'm not going to write anything deep. I'm just going to say what is going on.

I moved back home last week. My mom and Aunt Jen drove me from Brooklyn to Minneapolis. I spent the entire time in the back seat, like an eight-year-old. It was representative of my life in many ways.

Over the 4th of July I returned to Stout to reunite with college friends. Like usual, I tried to not focus on "If I stayed" and just tried to be present, but we could have played a drinking game to "Had I stayed" and we all would have had alcohol poisoning. My brother drove me the 70 miles, which was very nice of him, and after spending the previous two and a half days in a car, I now feel that the Minneapolis-to-Menomonie trip is a piece of cake.

That Saturday, I had a tearful reunion with the original star of The UW, Betsy Ross!

For those of you who were not viewers of Season One of The UW, Betsy Ross and I were best friends when I was a freshman as a result of her dating my roommate, Whitey, for five seconds. Along with her roommate, Tina, the three of us were inseparable. But then Betsy got a boyfriend, and I needed a new posse, and while I still held her fondly in my heart, we didn't hang out as much anymore. We further drifted apart because Betsy does not use Facebook, MySpace, AIM, or text messaging, and maintaining our friendship required writing her notes on stationery. Nevertheless, she saw me and Jess walking around Menomonie on a "nature walk" (I called it this because we had left our cell phones at home), and she actually sent me a text message asking if I was in town! It was a delight to reunite with her.

That Saturday in the college town, a boy came to the house and he had a definite "boy bander" name. I managed to act like an adult when he was in our presence, but the minute he left I started hyperventilating like a sixth-grader at a Backstreet Boys concert in 1998. It was not my proudest moment. Then I added him on Facebook and he didn't add me back for FIVE WHOLE DAYS. I have now come up with the term "Facebook Anxiety", when you add someone and you await their pending request with great anguish.

The next afternoon, my friend Jess and I rode our bikes to the bar and I inexplicably brought along my toy wrestling belt.

Believe it or not, we weren't the only oddballs in the group, as other people at the bar were wearing wigs and oversize hats. One of them, a girl from North Dakota, came up to us to inform us that I was "pretty small to be the heavyweight champion."

In true Wisconsin fashion, I ordered a mug of Leinenkugel's (the only beer I like) and felt very manly, but then Jess and I ordered double drinks called "Pretty in Pink", which threw that whole feeling. We invited our good friend Mo Pang to come with us. She slept over that night and was sent home from her shift at Applebee's earllier in the day after she kept bringing food to the wrong table.

Menom was a blast, but all good things must come to an end, and I returned back to my melancholy existence in Minneapolis, preparing to job-hunt like a grown-up.

Returning to Minneapolis, I did end up getting a job. It is in North Minneapolis and is at Walgreens. No, it's not the most glamorous or lucrative, but you gotta do what you gotta do. Am I still depressed? Sure. Am I still sneaking vodka in Propel bottles in my room? Not every night. It may not be okay now, but I feel that sooner than later, it will be.

Good-bye

2008-06-29T16:52:00.001-07:00

Good-bye New York

Good-bye 2 train
Good-bye loud iPods
Good-bye subway preachers
Good-bye subway beggars
Good-bye subway singers

Good-bye Brooklyn Bridge
Good-bye random languages
Good-bye sweaty tourists
Good-bye cranky people from outer boroughs

Good-bye Manhattan
Good-bye three dollar hot dogs
Good-bye fifty dollar nights at the club
Good-bye speed-walkers
Good-bye chihuahuas

Good-bye Flatbush
Good-bye P.S. 269
Good-bye energetic children
Good-bye Key Food
Good-bye Derby Liquors
You'll miss me the most

Good-bye Brooklyn College
Good-bye red tape
Good-bye confusion
Good-bye hypersomnia

Good-bye car alarms
Good-bye one-night stands
Good-bye parades
Good-bye police sirens

Good-bye victory
But good-bye defeat
In the end
It'll all be okay

What I've Learned

2008-06-20T19:18:00.000-07:00

*Be present. Whether you are at [redacted] High School, partying it up in small-town Wisconsin, or ostensibly living your dream in New York City, it will not last. And you will miss it.

*You can blame your mother for all your unhappiness, but it's not gonna change anything.

But seriously, I'm still pissed.

*You can beat depression on your own, but it sucks. Be honest with yourself and others.

*While it is important to value the opinions of friends, family, and insensitive but well-meaning pop music superstars you meet on the way, in the end your opinion of yourself is most important.

*It's not a race.

When It Rains It Pours

2008-06-06T18:25:00.000-07:00

*I had visitors for a week. It was about three days too long as the entire time they fought with each other. One walked too fast, one constantly berated my appearance. Le sigh.

*I spilled Mike's Hard Lemonade on my laptop. It is currently at the computer hospital, and I have no guarantees. I feel like a mother whose child is in a coma.

*I am moving back home in three weeks. If I survive a two-day road trip with my mother I will let you know.

*It's gonna be okay. I think. Life is a journey, and mine has just temporarily gone off the road.

The Present is a Present

2008-05-24T21:55:00.001-07:00

I have been doing this thing lately while I try hard to be present, like Rhonda and Iyanla would say on Starting Over. I first really started doing this last month when I visited my former digs at Stout -- just trying to not do the "what if" and the "woulda coulda shoulda" but just recognizing where I am in that moment.

Now that there's a 90% chance that I will not be staying in New York, I am doing that here, too. For the past two days I have walked the Brooklyn Bridge. When the weather is beautiful in New York, I feel there is no excuse not to walk one of the bridges. Today I walked from Brooklyn into Manhattan and even took out my iPod, hearing all of the various foreign languages and rolling my eyes when a crabby lady yelled "BIKE LANE!" to people in her way. I am all about etiquette, but it's a crowded beautiful afternoon on a Saturday. People have to walk in the bike lane, lady, and half the bridge doesn't speak English and the other half is like me and could really give two shits.

I walked around the city today and took AWFUL pictures of random things, and can't wait to post them. I am not a good photographer and have never fancied myself one. I am all about the candids, people. A sailor on the bridge said hello to me and I was not mad. Fleet Week has turned me into even more of a 13-year-old girl than I usually am.

I rode the 2 train back home. I cannot describe the 2 train other than to say that God's people are on it. There's a feeling of community and humanity that I feel seeing all of the families on that train.

Viral Vendredi

2008-05-23T17:23:00.000-07:00

THE EMMY WIN 20 YEARS IN THE MAKING

FROM THE 1999 DAYTIME EMMYS

New York

2008-05-22T19:42:00.000-07:00

During the five seconds that I was a student at Brooklyn College, I had to write an essay comparing New York to something. I felt like sharing.

Jacob xxxxxx
English 2

Someday New York Will Notice Me
If life is an incredibly abstract version of high school, New York would be the most popular girl at the table in the center of the cafeteria, and we are all the needy wallflowers hoping that she‘ll notice us. Unfortunately, New York, being the social butterfly that she is, does not have enough time and patience for everybody, and it is up to ourselves to be acknowledged.
In New York, it is quite easy to feel like "just a number" (eight million to be exact). There are few places on the planet full of more activity. With the exception of Times Square, people walk as if they are being chased in a horror film. Subway stations are full of businessmen speed-walking in elegant suits and young women going clickety-clack in their heels while staring at their out-of-service cell phones. Streets are filled with more horns than an orchestra. For the pedestrians, crosswalk signs are coincidental.
On crowded sidewalks and subways in New York, people do not apologize after bumping into you or stepping on your shoe. They abstain from apologizing not necessarily out of rudeness, but because it is the result of the environment. They will likely step on at least two more people today. New York separates itself from other places because, being a city of destination, it is a goal-oriented city of doers and dreamers. When you are trotting idly on the sidewalk, you are literally in the way of someone's dream -- and if you dare to be here without one of your own, that's your fault.
While New York is glad you are in her presence and making an addition to what would be her entourage, she does not look out for you. This is not because she is callous, but because it is an impossible task. New York does not have the time to care if you are lonely or out of place. You are not the only lost pedestrian who got off the subway at the wrong time and ended up in Hell’s Kitchen en route to Times Square. You are not the only newcomer wondering why it is impossible to find a 12-pack of soda in lieu of two or three liter bottles -- nor are you the only newcomer who is still learning to call it “soda”, since your colloquialism of “pop” sounds more like a hard drug than a soft beverage. Most importantly, you are not the only dreamer who decided that New York would fix everything if you moved here to attain your financial and personal successes, but upon arrival realized you left your spine somewhere along the way.
But before the city is to be dismissed as one that ignores the plight of its citizens, I have noticed that it has its small moments of comfort. There has been the woman who called me “sweetheart” when I opened the door for her at Duane Reade. There has been the fellow nightclubber who apologized with a terse but sincere “Sorry, bro” after the only way to get through the place was to physically lift me a few inches off the ground and set me back into place. After a little more than 30 days in the city, I am already able to jokingly refer to places as “my home away from home”, such as the Laundromat down the road (they get mad when I turn on The People’s Court, but they’re nice enough and always help when my quarters get stuck), the pizza place that serves the finest I will ever have, and perhaps most fondly, there is the liquor store down the street, owned by a kind man of Asian descent whose ten-year-old son occasionally helps him out. Only in New York does a ten-year-old boy not only inform you of a declined debit card, he does it in a way that suggests this is nothing new for him.
New York is a place of natural congregation, from the foreign-born shop owner who dreams of prosperity to the Montana girl who dreams of stardom. Should one find the fortitude to go after such goals, this is the place to attain them. It is by no means easy to get noticed by New York, as she is impatient, busy and restless. But should we have the confidence to stand up for ourselves and attempt to catch her eye, we will find that she is also vibrant and giving -- and for those of us brave and bold enough to sit at New York’s table, she’s a friend indeed.

hey mama

2008-05-20T18:54:00.000-07:00

This week in New York, my MOTHER visited! The entire weekend was quite miraculous as my apartment is now clean and I can actually see the carpet, and we only got in about four different fights, which for us is very good (yes, I have Mommy issues, but I can also admit they're stupid and not worth two segments on Dr. Phil).

On Friday we ventured into the city because I had a job interview. At the risk of being dramatic, this job is kind of my last hope -- I'm for sure leaving the penthouse on July 31st and 90% says Minneapolis while 10% says I miraculously get a decent job and an affordable apartment in that time frame. Yowza. They seemed to like me and said they would call me later to schedule a training session. I don't want to give away too many details because I'm worried about jinxing it, but I will say that it's a restaurant job with a hiring process so complicated you would think I am trying to become a member of the NYPD.

Saturday we saw In the Heights, recently nominated for 13 Tony awards. If you are in New York, see this show. If you are not in New York, buy the soundtrack. It is funny and inspirational and sad and it will make you wish you were fluent in Spanish. I really enjoyed it. My mother cried through the entire thing, much like the time we went to the Martina McBride concert at the Minnesota State Fair.

Sunday we did nothing because I was tuckered out and wanted to stay in bed, so my mother enjoyed my neighborhood's laundromat and grocery store and found it amusing when a Caribbean man called her "Mami". That night we watched the Desperate Housewives finale, which was certainly a WTF.

Monday we went to go see Ground Zero but kind of got lost, as it's in a section of Manhattan that neither one of us has been to before. "I saw where it was," she said. "That's all I really needed to know." We then took the 6 (like J Lo!) up one stop to Brooklyn Bridge/City Hall and walked from the bridge to Brooklyn, where we had great sandwiches at Celeste's Diner -- and on the bridge, we saw a bride and groom walk past us, in full-on wedding garb. One of those "only in New York" moments.

My mother left this morning, and I finally was on the phone with my best friend Erin! Erin and I are very much like Oprah and Gayle in that we talk on the phone all the damn time, and Erin has been studying abroad in France for the past five months. I made her a CD for her birthday but then forgot I didn't have any blank CD's in the house, so now I have to mail it to her. Then I had my first "training day" at the restaurant. I feel it went well, but they said they were trying out other people and if they want me back, they'll call me in a couple days. Getting a job in New York is worse than dating.

I also was sort of cheap last week and had a boy over (yes, I'm 21 but I still say "boys". Someday I will use "man" when I feel I am mature enough about it). I felt kind of bad about it, but then he re-organized my DVD shelf and I was like, "Oh, THAT'S why people do this." Maybe next month I will have another hook-up and get my light bulbs changed.

turtle power

2008-05-17T22:41:00.000-07:00

back when i actually went to class
i had a wonderful professor named dr don

he said we are all different animals when we come to conflict
owl turtle fox teddy bear or shark

my brother is a shark (aggressive)
my mother is a fox (passive-aggressive, manipulative)
erin is a teddy bear (passive, gives in to everyting)
i am a turtle (passive, avoids everything)

i cannot be a turtle anymore

i have a month to figure out the next year of my life
that is scary
the writing is on the wall
but yet i have to keep hope
because otherwise i am back where i started in sophomore year of stout
when i wore the smile like make-up
yet was dashboard confessional by day

in other news
someone said it
i don't care who said it
someone still said it
and i wouldn't be so pissed off if i didn't think it was true

i wish you well
i wish you well
i wish you well
(mariah carey, e=mc2, no, it's not mimi but nothing ever could be, BUY IT)

sobriety feels odd
but i think i could get used to it

Today in New York

2008-05-14T18:33:00.001-07:00

After a week of being sick and then two days of not getting out of bed (I sleep all the time because my REM cycles run like a high-speed ferris wheel ... I have about five dreams per night), I finally ventured to Manhattan today to get me a damn job! I also wanted to go get my haircut by the Sexy Bosnians, but I didn't get there in time, so now I have to go there tomorrow when my mother is in town!

I chose to take the N train into the city instead of the R train, because I realized I would be late for the barber shop anyway, and the N train goes above a bridge while the R doesn't. I think that's why people on the R always look so sad. They ride the Subway of Seasonal Depression.

I dropped off an application to be a host at a diner, and they made me take a test! WTF? "List five examples of good service." "List ten examples of good service." This is HARD, I thought to myself, but I think I did okay, except for Question #5, "What is in an egg cream?", which I simply answered with "Bananas".

Then I got home in time to watch Jeopardy! This week is Week Two of the College Championship, and I am waaaayyyy to into it this year, to the point of pure embarrassment. It's been a hoot on TelevisionWithoutPity.com because one of the finalists has been posting. Tomorrow she competes against a very annoying person who she assures us is actually nice in real life, and a boy from Mississippi State who I am way too embarrassed to have a crush on. WHO WATCHES GAME SHOWS AND GETS CRUSHES ON THE CONTESTANTS?? Like, really. Not to mention that while on the stalled 2 train I was already sounding like an 85-year-old, griping that I was going to miss Jeopardy.

My mother is visiting tomorrow, so I am either going to clean. Or drink.

Are You There, God? It's Me, Jakey

2008-05-10T23:59:00.001-07:00

My grandma died in October. She had 13 grandchildren and seven great-grandchildren. I was the only one of them who was not at her funeral, because I was in New York wasting my life.

I didn't cry when she died. She had been suffering from a brain tumor for over a year, and my mother and aunt were functioning as her caregivers. Still, I always assumed I would see her again, and did not know that our July trip to her care center, where we had a barbecue and I was too lazy to climb over the table and hug her, would be the last time I would see her.

I sent an e-mail to be read aloud at her funeral, speaking of how she would always take Dane and me to movies we weren't allowed to see and would give us Pepsi whenever she wanted. Then I never thought about her. Consumed in my own drama, I put my thoughts about her away, knowing I would deal with them again someday.

It is Mother's Day. At 2 in the morning, I was on the toilet having my usual bout of Irritable Bowel Syndrome. It is perhaps wrong to have spiritual experiences on the toilet, but that is where I usually have them, because I am alone with my thoughts or listening to Delilah.

I folded my hands and talked to God. I started sobbing and I said I was sorry for doing this on the toilet, but hopefully He didn't care about stuff about that. I asked him to put Grandma on the line. I don't know what she was doing, but God went to go get her. I wonder what time zone she is in.

And I finally talked to her. I told her I was sorry that I wasn't at her funeral, that I didn't call enough, that I didn't get my driver's license and drive up to see her. She told me it was okay. She asked me how New York was. I told her I was sorry she could never go see it. I told her I was screwing everything up, and she told me that I could still do it, and she always knew she would see my name in lights. I said I was sorry for talking to her while I was on the toilet. I asked her if she ever plays Scrabble in heaven.

Then I knew I would be okay.

Viral Vendredi: Trish vs. Stephanie

2008-05-09T20:35:00.000-07:00

In honor of her surprise appearance on Raw Monday night ...

Trish Stratus reflects on her legendary feud with Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley in 2001

Quick Thoughts

2008-05-07T19:30:00.000-07:00

I have a lot of thoughts on a lot of things that I don't feel like writing entire entries about, because, really, who would read them? So I will just do a quick play-by-play of what I feel about the world right now. Yes, I stole this from today's episode of Oprah. Don't judge. Also, this is only my opinion, and my opinion is by no means more important than anybody else's. I am doing this out of boredom, and because I typed this while at the laundromat.

The Mariah Wedding:

I admit that I have blind love for Mariah. She could announce plans to do a sequel to Glitter and I would be on board, begging for the part of the hair stylist with a heart of gold. My admittedly odd opinion about Nick Cannon I can save for another rant. I will say that while I wish nothing but rainbows for Mariah, if she did not sign a pre-nup she has been sniffing too much M perfume.

American Idol

Davids finale, with Big David winning. Little David is talented as hell but does the same thing every week. I will take this all back if next week he covers Motley Crue or something.

Election '08

Seriously, if I hear one more person assume that people are only pro-Hilary because she is white and they are racist, or are only pro-Barack because he is black and young in the world of politics, I will blow a gasket. And I don't even really know what a gasket is, and how one blows it, so maybe I should be more cautious about word choice. I am all for a unified dream ticket, because otherwise McCain is going to win like Bush in '04 and we will be in Iraq until the sun explodes.

Barbara Walters

Is a living legend and can say whatever the hell she wants at this point.

Huge Pothole in Brooklyn

Did you hear about this?? There was a pothole in Bay Ridge so big that an SUV almost sank in it (but thankfully, only lost a tire). No wonder I take the subway.

These Dreams

I think the reason that I sleep so much is because my dreams are too vivid. Last night I was with my mother and Aunt Jennifer and we were in Menomonie but staying in this really cute motel, and my room was a single but it had two beds and its own bathroom and I decided that I wanted to LIVE THERE FOREVER. Forget my foolish pipe dreams. Then I ran over Channing Tatum and Ryan Phillippe's feet with a scooter. I don't get it, either.

if you are what you say you are

2008-05-06T19:38:00.001-07:00

you are in charge of your own destiny
the only person that can change your life is yourself
if you hate the person you are being
STOP BEING THAT PERSON

wow
on paper this is so easy

ok so maybe this is the plan
work full-time for a year
land on my feet
then do what i wanna do

tomorrow is may 7th
already
may 7th

i am going to have to move in a month
i have nowhere to go
i am stuck
i am molasses
i am jan brady
i dont know why i said i am jan brady
but it was in my head

i am so angry right now
why did erin have to go to france
this is why i am going insane
because i do not have someone to talk to for three hours a day
i turned into someone i did not enjoy
if my life were for rent i would not want to buy it
i love that song
i wonder if it is on my itunes

bitch bitch bitch
i have been a broken record
since september
what the fuck
shut the fuck up
i am so sick of this
i am so over this
i should join a convent
i have no one
there is nothing
it is all me
i have to find the strength
no one can give me it
nobody can make things happen but me
we are responsible in the end

Reflections

2008-05-04T03:46:00.000-07:00

Reflections Part One

Last week
After an 80-day countdown
I went back
To Menomonie Wisconsin

I was somebody again
People actually knew who I was
All of the boys looked like models
At Logjam I knew 80% of the bar
I felt alive

And I focused very hard
On being present
Not thinking about "what if"
Or "If only"

I would have left anyway

I had to remind myself
That despite all of the pictures
Of basement party after basement party
And me smiling with my posse
That I was not happy during Year Two

Did they ever know
That between February and April
When I knew I was leaving
But before Brooklyn happened

I went on Amazon.com
Bought three Dashboard Confessional CD's
Sat in the dark for three months
Listening to songs about girls and leaving

I do not know where I will be living
Two months from now
That kind of scares me

I cannot go back to STA
I look at the houses
Where my friends grew up
They have all moved on
Is my life just one big circle?

What if
If only
Blah blah blah

News & Notes

2008-05-01T11:19:00.000-07:00

*Sometime soon, I would like to reflect on my visit to my old school last week. It was truly a blessing, and I worked very hard to be present during it, and not focus on the "What if?" factor. If anything, it cemented the fact that the reason I'm no longer there is because, had I chosen my life's Plan A, I still would have had the lingering doubt in the back of my head that I really wanted to be a writer and performer.

*So with that, the first step to be a successful writer and performer is to get a job doing none of those things, because writing and performing do not pay the bills in their amateur stages. Unfortunately, I cannot apply to any jobs in person right now because I am coughing like a tuberculosis victim. On this I blame either: a) four nights of drinking combined with my poor immune system), b) all of the walking I did in the rain on Monday coming back from the airport, or c) the horrible coughing children on the airplane. That said, I do already have an interview lined up! That's good. It's for a salon that won't open for two more months. That's bad.

*StinkyLulu poses an interesting question about "queer cinema" on one of his latest blogs. I recommend it if you have an opinion of the topic. Check out the link on the top right corner.

Viral Vendredi: David Cook

2008-04-18T14:57:00.001-07:00

Words can't express.

e = mc squared

2008-04-15T21:15:00.001-07:00

i bought E=MC2 today
because mariah is my life

american idol tonight
david cook rocked it
did an emo version of 'always be my baby'
he got my vote
so did brooke white
because i accidentally voted for her the first time

i visit stout a week from today
i am not drinking until then
because i have had my aha moment
when i say what kind of fucked up motley crue bullshit is this
it's so pointless

i'm just gonna take a break
from the boozing and the chat rooms and yeah
because i'm not crazy about who i turned into
that isn't me
i don't think

i am trying to write a book
i have started it over and over again
like everything else in my life
i duck out when things get hard

i tried benefiber last week
only made things worse
i think i will just surgically remove my stomach

laundry tomorrow
cuz i'm on my last pair of underwear

seven days
to be sober and productie
and clean the penthouse
i got this

observations

2008-04-14T21:07:00.001-07:00

*I HATE MY LIFE. But I am the only one who can change it, not anybody else. I have to be the grown-up.

*I hate my life because I drink too much. I drink too much because I hate my life. This is what we call a vicious circle.

*I had visitors this weekend! Fun! But I am really sick of looking at fake purses.

*Stout in 8 days.

*Mariah's album drops today!

*I'm going on a blind date with a 32-year-old cop?

Life Lessons

2008-04-10T22:53:00.001-07:00

Yeah, I think I liked it better when I was the one ignoring you ...

uh oh spaghettios

2008-04-09T20:33:00.000-07:00

i cut my thumb open trying to open a can of spaghettios
i don't even want to eat them now
because i know that as good as spaghettios are
they will not be worth the pain

i spend more than i'm worth at duane reade and target
and STILL forgot to buy soap and fiber
the two things i was there for

blergh

in much more serious news
there was a tragedy at UW-Stout over the weekend
They are being laid to rest tomorrow
And the folks from Westboro Baptist Church are coming to protest

I want to believe
There is good in everyone
And humanity will always triumph
But things like that
Challenge such ideals

All we can do
Is educate our children
Be better people ourselves
Eventually good will win out
And I will learn how to use a can-opener

news & notes

2008-04-04T22:58:00.001-07:00

I feel like I'm having male menopause. I'm all sweaty and stuff. In April. WTF Batman. I'm going to take a shower, even though I was supposed to clean the bathtub. Oh, well. I put the Scrubbing Bubbles in like two hours ago without sweeping it up. I don't fall down and break a hip.

I've sent so many resumes this week and ... nothing. Tomorrow I will apply to be a bank teller. The ad said the job is in Brooklyn. I hope it meant somewhere in Brooklyn that is easy to get to, and not somewhere like the Flatlands.

I saw Stop/Loss on Monday, in the fanciest movie theater I have ever been to. I wasn't even complaining about the ticket price, because the seat was like my butt was on vacation. That said, I sat on the aisle in case I would have to pee, and there weren't a lot of people in the theater, but every time someone would walk by my aisle as if to sit in there I would give them this death look, like bitch, there are 300 seats in here, you don't need to be sittin' in my aisle ... it worked.

As for the movie itself, I think it was good, and important, but I also realize there is no way I can be objective about it when Channing Tatum is in a full military uniform and brooding. But from a more critical perspective, I will say that Timothy Olyphant is such a chameleon that we can now christen him the male Cate Blanchett. I never go out of my way to see him in things, but when I do he always brings it: geeky film student (Scream 2), high-strung film director (First Wives Club), sardonic drug dealer (Go), bad-ass porn director (The Girl Next Door), good-hearted gay photographer (The Broken Hearts Club), unflinching high-ranking military official (Stop/Loss) ... the man is good, people.

I make my return to Stout in three weeks. I'm already getting nervous about it, with my worries ranging from superficial (what am I going to WEAR???) to deeper (will I have another identity crisis? Should I lie and tell people I am loving New York, or tell them the truth, that I am unemployed, lonely as hell and, barring getting a kick-ass job once I am free of Brooklyn College, that I will have to move back in with Mike and Loretta sooner than later?).

My brother moved out today. That is ... weird, and I'm going to have to write a whole nother entry out of it someday. For two years I got to be the successful one and he got to be the one seen as a bit of a slacker, and now, it's flip-flopped and my brother is self-made and financially supporting himself and I am SO proud of him, but I'm also, like, wow, this sucks, because all of a sudden in the past six months he decided to become a grown-up and good GOD, there is no way in hell I can move back to Minnesota.

2008-03-29T22:55:00.001-07:00

Crashed on the floor when I moved in
This little bunk alone with some strange new friends
Stay up too late, and I'm too thin
We promise each other it's til the end
Now we're spinning empty bottles
It's the five of us
With pretty eyed boys girls die to trust
I can't resist the day
No, I can't resist the day

Jenny screams out and it's no pose
'Cause when she dances she goes and goes
Beer through the nose on an inside joke
I'm so excited, I haven't spoken
And she's so pretty, and she's so sure
Maybe I'm more clever than a girl like her
The summer's all in bloom
The summer is ending soon

It's alright and it's nice not to be so alone
But I hold on to your secrets in white houses

Maybe I'm a little bit over my head
I come undone at the things he said
And he's so funny in his bright red shirt
We were all in love and we all got hurt
I sneak into his car's black leather seat
The smell of gasoline in the summer heat
Boy, we're going way too fast
It's all too sweet to last

It's alright
And I put myself in his hands
But I hold on to your secrets in white houses
Love, or something ignites in my veins
And I pray it never fades in white houses

My first time, hard to explain
Rush of blood, oh, and a little bit of pain
On a cloudy day, it's more common than you think
He's my first mistake

Maybe you were all faster than me
We gave each other up so easily
These silly little wounds will never mend
I feel so far from where I've been
So I go, and I will not be back here again
I'm gone as the day is fading on white houses
I lie, put my injuries all in the dust
In my heart is the five of us
In white houses

And you, maybe you'll remember me
What I gave is yours to keep
In white houses
In white houses
In white houses

A Letter to Myself

2008-03-26T17:38:00.001-07:00

Dear Jacob/Jake/Jakey,

...I know that you are sad about leaving Stout, especially when you look at recent pictures of your friends, or randomly Facebook-stalk and find that there are attractive freshmen that are being befriended by your former stalker, and I know that you wonder if said attractive freshman got the same creepy e-mail from the stalker that YOU got in September of 2005. Know that you are better than that. Know that it doesn’t matter if attractive freshman and stalker are doing it. It does not affect you. Remember that you accepted the stalker’s friend request too, and only cut him from your list when he drunk-IM’d you, said that you did a good job in the play and begged for you to come over. RESIST THE URGE TO SEND ATTRACTIVE FRESHMAN A MESSAGE VIA FACEBOOK, because attractive freshman will either relish the attention or find out on their own. Jesus, Jakey, stop thinking about the freshman. You live in New York now.

Speaking of New York, you might be leaving it after July. It will not be the end of the world if you do. That said, enjoy it now. Don’t take it for granted. Go to Times Square every day. Go to the Union Square Walgreens on Wednesday and demand a job. Be the best damned beauty advisor of New York City.

Let’s go back to Stout for a minute, without a random tangent about the stupid random freshman and your stupid stalker. Yes, you miss your friends. Yes, you miss the socializing. Yes, you miss the illusion that in your own strange way you were a celebrity. But think of your friends, and think of why they are there. They actually want to have jobs in the fields they are studying. You, on the other hand, knew from day one that you were going to transfer after two years, and you went to Stout not to get a degree but because you could not fathom living at home, because in your closed mind, it was ridiculous that someone who took three AP tests and was in Knowledge Bowl would tell people at his grad party that he was going to community college.

And okay, you kinda fucked up the New York thing. On your first day there you should have sucked up your pride, walked into Target and applied, instead of having countless interviews at posh and upscale Manhattan jobs that you were not qualified for. You should have reached out more, actually cultivated friendships at your school.

That said, you don’t regret it. Moving back home isn’t as bad now, but can you imagine how it would been, right now? Do you remember how sad you were, when you knew you were leaving Stout but before the Brooklyn thing happened? And can you imagine living at home now, with Diva having moved to San Diego and Erin studying abroad in France? As lonely as you were in New York, you at least got to be with yourself. You would not have grown had you been stuck at home. If it would have been you, Final Fantasy VII, and your bottled-up Mommy Issues leading to damaged housewares.

So whatever happens in July -- whether you get a full-time job and manage to hack it in NYC, move back home, or miraculously end up in California with Diva -- you’ll be okay. Your dreams will still happen, but you must work for them. Stop drinking so much.

God bless,

Your Conscience

The New About Me Section

2008-03-24T16:37:00.000-07:00

things that have been said to me about myself:

"I think you have a lot of intelligence and talent." Dr. Entin, whose class I dropped

"I really think you should be an acting major, I think you have a lot of talent." Pam, my acting teacher. I tried out for the program but didn't go to the callback.

"Jakey, you're so outgoing we can never tell when you're drunk." A boy at Stout.
"Well, wait, we can tell when you fall off the furniture." A girl from Stout
Then I fell off the couch.

Yes, I lived in New York, but I was not there, in the same way I was not there in my second year at Stout. Someday, wherever I end up, I hope I will actually be there.

My Dinner With...

2008-03-22T14:46:00.000-07:00

I was tagged by StinkyLulu to participate in a "My Dinner With..." meme, originally brought upon by Lazy Eye Theatre.

The meme requires your dinner guest to be from the film industry, which ruled out my first choice. Rosie O'Donnell may have the career I want, but I'm petty and annoyed that she invited annoying people on her cruise last week (I'll forgive Danny Noreiga because he's young, but ANT? Really?), and while I really do think Channing Tatum is a good actor (no, REALLY!), I don't think I could be in the same room with him without turning into some kind of goo.

But a few years ago, I began having recurring dreams about a particular movie star, and I don't mean THOSE kind of dreams. In the first one we were at Friday's with my brother, and in the other one I was on a talk show being asked about his recent break-up because I was apparently the Sandra Bernhard to his Madonna or the Leah Remini to his Jennifer Lopez (read: somewhat famous but not AS famous as the best friend). It was the spring of 2005, when I was a cashier at Walgreens and ringing up tabloids all day with him on the cover, and in my third-trimester senior year class of Mass Media -- a sluff class if there ever was one -- my friend Meaghan and I decided to do our final project on ...

1. Pick a single person, past or present, in the film industry who you'd like to have dinner with, and tell us why you chose this person.

So yes, there were the dreams that make me think I have a psychic connection with the man when really it just makes me sound like a raving lunatic (to be fair, I've also dreamed Angelina Jolie was dispensing advice while we were in a pool). But insanely good looks aside, I find William Bradley Pitt to be fascinating and inspirational. He dropped out of college in his final semester to pursue acting. His breakthrough role in Thelma & Louise made him a star, but also gave him a pretty-boy image he spent fifteen years trying to shake off. He's brought forth a new wave of celebrity, trying to turn the negatives of the TMZ-ification of the world into something positive.

2. Set the table for your dinner. What would you eat? Would it be in a home or at a restaurant? And what would you wear? Feel free to elaborate on the details.

It would most definitely be in a restaurant, since boiling water is a miracle for me. While my dreams would recommend Friday's, I picture a sickeningly pretentious Manhattan restaurant in a dinner party setting. For some reason they split up couples at fancy dinner parties to encourage socializing, so Brad and I would be on one end of the table while Angelina would be at the other end of the table discussing European culture with my best friend Erin McCloskey. My outfit would be 10% the cost of Mr. Pitt's but I'm sure it would look just as nice, because I have finally discovered designers that actually make button-downs in a size Small.

3. List five thoughtful questions you would ask this person during dinner.
-"Was there a catalyst or final straw that made you leave Missouri to be an actor, instead of choosing the life you would have had with your journalism major? How does one arrive at that decision?"
- "In your early career, most of your publicity centered around your looks. When did you feel validated or accepted in Hollywood as a serious actor?"
- "What has been the most overwhelming aspect of fatherhood?"
- "You told GQ Magazine'I embrace the messiness of life. I find it so beautiful, actually.' When did you discover this sentiment? How has it helped you?"
- "Meet Joe Black? Really?"

4. When all is said and done, select six bloggers to pass this Meme along to. Link back to Lazy Eye Theatre, so that people know the mastermind behind this Meme.

I don't even know if six people read this! I'll have better luck on LiveJournal.

Today in New York

2008-03-18T20:28:00.000-07:00

Today I was going to have an interview at 30 Rock, write my paper, do laundry and go to English class. Instead I overslept way too late (typical), did not do laundry (typical, but found a way to pull off brown dress pants), wrote my paper, read 100 pages of No Country for Old Men, went to English class, and made an evening interview!

In English class, it turned out that the paper I bitched about for three hours and then wrote in about forty minutes is due on Thursday, and NOT today. Booooooo. Then we discussed No Country for Old Men and I get that Cormac McCarthy is a genius, but I wish the man would use quotation marks. After class ended I asked the professor a question on my paper, and then I had to listen to him argue with a kid in my class who I am going to call Douchenstein, because he is the kind of person who has to argue about EVERYTHING, and he's so smug about it and thinks he's really smart, but he's really just annoying as all hell. Then there's this clique of pretty girls who bitch about EVERYTHING.

Professor: "There's a quiz on Thursday."
Pretty Girls: "Oh my god!!! Really??? Can't you make it be on Tuesday??? I already have a midterm that day!!"
Professor: "It'll be, like, five questions."
Pretty Girls: "Whyyyy? That's so unfairrrrr."

I would judge them, except college and I are done after May, and that doesn't mean I'm graduating. People with glass academic dead ends can't throw stones, I guess.

Then I went to my job interview, which happened to take place at 30 Rock! I told myself it was at Studio 8H to be an intern on Saturday Night Live instead of really being in the shopping concourse. That's all fine and dandy, since I don't think I figured out how to get to the studio anyway. I took the elevator from the shopping rink to the concourse, not because I'm handicapped but because I could NOT find out how else to get there, then later found out you can get there ... from the subway. My interview went okay, but I'm not fully confident about it and will likely look up jobs again tomorrow. Is it a perfect, glamorous job? No. Is it one that may require me to leave my apartment at 5:45 in the morning some days? Yes. Am I also really fucking desperate? Yes and yes.

On the subway back, two blonde Abercrombie models were on the train with bags from Whole Foods, and I don't know how I prevented myself from blushing, but miraculously I did. Seriously. Abercrombie. Models. And this is New York, so there's always a chance that when boys look like Abercrombie models, they ARE Abercrombie models. Thank goodness they got off at the stop before my scheduled transfer and that I had to pee, because the sad truth is that had they been on the train all the way to Coney Island, I would have stayed on. I think I need new hobbies.

Then I went home and watched two episodes of Veronica Mars, A.K.A. the best show ever. In the history of television. And no, I did not watch it while I was on the air, because I don't believe in catching onto things while they're happening. I suppose I'm all about being retro, like in my senior year of high school when my favorite song was one that came out 13 years before I was born (You prob'ly think this song is about you).

Tomorrow: More laundry, possible job hunting, and continuing the countdown to my Stout reunion!

2008-03-08T20:18:00.001-08:00

July 15th, 2008
My lease expires
I will be 22

I will have no idea where I am living

In a way it is just like last year
When I know I am leaving
But not where to
And anything I see is bittersweet
Because I will have realized
I took it for granted

Can I make it on my own
In New York City
As a grown-up
With my own full-time job
And my own walk-in closet as an apartment

My parents do not get it
"Move back home" says my mother
Who does not realize
That I don't have a driver's license
Because she won

"Go back to Stout" says my father
Who does not realize
That I was there only for the partying
If I got a degree there
I would not use it

"School is so important" says Grandma Shirley
Who does not realize
That I can afford school
But not the cost of living
Without a job

"You are too old" says the voice in my head
"Why did you ever think
You could be an actor
That is such a pipe dream
Get over it
Let it go"

"Everybody I know wants to be famous" says Famousphere Boy
"Even you"
Ouch
Why do I take his calls
Could it be because I know literally five people in my current city
Probably

46 days
I return to Stout for a visit
I haven't bought the ticket yet
'Cause I thought I'd have a job

"How is New York?" they will all ask
I will have to put my smile on again
"It is great
I am loving it
I have a lot of friends
I am living the dream"
Blah blah blah

I look at their pictures
They are all so happy
As they should be
But I can't help but be sad
When I see that they are thriving
Without me

They made new friends
Boys that are cuter and taller and straight
One of them has the same name as me
At least he goes by Jacob/Jake

Life does not come with an Undo button
Or a game over retry

Happenings

2008-02-28T02:01:00.000-08:00

What Was Going to Happen

I was going to greatly enjoy school. I was going to become friends or at least acquaintances with the other people living in my house. I was going to very quickly find a job in Manhattan at a restaurant or a store, one I liked and that wasn't too snobby, but posh enough that I would feel like somebody when I worked there before going back home on the train to Brooklyn every night.

I would find people to go to the parties and clubs with. I would have a posse just like I did in Wisconsin. Just like with The UW, we would find a thread to connect us all, as we all would share our hopes and dreams.

I was going to pay my own rent, by myself and with a few extra hundred every month. My parents would be proud and confident.

I was going to do well at the open mikes, not become famous in a year or anything, but start to build myself up, so that by the time I left college I already had a foundation to start a career in the entertainment industry.

I was going to be happy.

What Happened

"So where are you living?! Do you get along with your neighbors?!"
"Yes, it's great."

My computer was delayed a month. The people living in my house didn't move in until I had been by myself for three weeks. When they did move in, they kept to themselves. Only one of them do I actually recognize and can call by name. Her name is Laura and she is very nice, and I can tell from her mail that she is from California. Nevertheless, I was very alone.

"Where are you working these days?! Do you like it?!"
"It's great."

I went on one job interview after another. Restaurants. Corporate malls. Even did a urine test for Federated, Inc. Sent one resume after another. It took three months for me to get a job, and when I did it did not pay enough to cover my rent. Although hired for a 90-day period, I was laid off two months later.

"How's school going?!"
"Fine."

I did well in school, for about a week. Then I began oversleeping. A lot. I changed my mind daily on if I would stay in school or not. Whenever I had made a decision, albeit to stay or to drop out, I would be happy with it, but also sad knowing either outcome would make me remain questioning.

I was adamant that I was going to be done, that I couldn't do it anymore. Grandma Shirley even told me, "Think of what your goal is, and do what you have to do get there." Realizing her disappointment was the one I feared most, I felt solace knowing that even she wouldn't be completely upset as long as I was still doing something. In four of my five classes, and later two of my three classes after I had to cut six credits in order to save my GPA, I felt perfectly fine about my decision to drop out after the first semester. But then I would go to my acting class, where I would feel alive, I felt like I was in the right crowd of people even though none of them were acting majors, either, and the thought of me leaving school made me sad. So in November, something hit me, and I decided that I wanted to stay. I talked to my transfer advisor and we worked out a plan. I was going to be okay.

My mother visited that weekend. "I feel like you're just playing house," she told me. "But I decided I want to stay in school now," I said. "Are you sure you're staying for the right reasons?" she asked. Then I wasn't sure anymore.

"Did you go home for Christmas?! How'd it go? How was Loretta?!"
"Good."

I went home for a week. I went to parties with my brother and put my smile on, told them all I was doing well in New York. I got the flu. Only one person came to my casino party. My mother said roughly three words to me the entire time, then bawled her eyes out when we were at the airport and it was time for me to leave.

"How's school going this semester?! Do you like your classes?!"

I came back and the lock to my apartment was jammed, so I had to kick it in like MacGyver. Things went to shit again. I got laid off. My school cancelled my registration twice, and I had to swim through red tape in order to get my loans taken care of. I was doubtful again. I did even worse attendance-wise this semester than I did in the first. I applied to try out for the acting program at the last possible minute. I realized this meant I would graduate two years behind. A little more than 72 hours from my audition, I don't have my monologues memorized. I don't even know where I'm supposed to go for it.

"How much is your rent?! How are you paying for it?!"

I had a job interview on February 1st. It was for a dream job. I could not believe how badly I wanted to work at this place, and was amazed that I even got an interview. They liked me, too, but the job was 40 hours a week and unflexible, and I could not do it because of school, SCHOOL, this necessary evil that I didn't even know if I wanted, that I didn't even know if I could do anymore.

"How are your grades?! You're doing well, right?!"

My attendance worsened. I slept all the time until I took herbal supplements as a last resort. They work, but they also give me headaches and my time clock is completely upside down. My rock bottom moment was on February 13th, when I overslept for an interview that was at noon. Subconsciously, I did not want the job as it paid in schillings and only once a month, but it still would have been something. I had an interview today that I missed because I got lost, lost in what is now my sixth month of living in New York. Le sigh.

"I hear you're doing stand-up comedy now!! Fun!!"

My first stand-up comedy performance was on October 9th, 2007. It was at a little pub in Chelsea and I did not do wonderful but I did not bomb either. I went there for several weeks in a row, proud of myself for thinking up of new material every time. On December 3rd I went away from that club and performed at another venue, a busy bar on the Lower East Side at a $5 Open Mike. I was nervous as hell because instead of the supportive comedians that I had now familiarized myself with, the audience was composed of thirty strangers, men ranging in age from 25 to 60 and all very "man's man" and I did not know if they would laugh at the little gay boy from Brooklyn, but I went up there and did seven minutes and I shit you not, I SLAYED THEM. And yet I never went back to that bar, because I still listened to the negative voice, the one that told me I would never get a tape or DVD made, the one that told me I would always be at the bottom rung of the ladder, the one that told me I was nothing.

"Wow, I can't believe you're living in NEW YORK! That must be so exciting! You must be having a BLAST! I can't wait to come visit you! I'm sure we'd have so much fun, you could introduce to me all your friends ... Wow. That's so cool you're out there. You must be really happy."

News & Notes

2008-02-21T18:40:00.000-08:00

*I ate Popeye's Chicken for the first and last time today.

*I audition for a BFA in Acting program in nine days and I have no fucking idea what I'm going to do for a monologue.

*Speaking of school, my sleeping disorder kicked my ass this week, so now I have to kowtow to all these professors, and be like ten minutes early for every single class for the rest of the year.

*Speaking of sleeping disorder, I have since turned to the expensive world of herbal supplements and will hope for the best. I hope this doesn't mean every time I eat McDonald's I'm going to spend a week in the bathroom.

*I am going to be responsible with the new credit card. I think.

Happy Love Day, Everyone

2008-02-14T22:25:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day, from me and my new boyfriend, Dr. Jon Fielding.*

*Who is a fictional character created by Armistead Maupin, and yes I read all three of my Tales of the City novels this week. Leave me alone.

Today in New York

2008-02-08T15:21:00.000-08:00

I felt unusually productive today! I've been talking a lot with my friend Diva the past few days because she is moving to San Diego, and she explained to me that it has to do with the Lunar New Year, and how you act and live during the first few days of the Lunar New Year can impact the rest of your year. Okay then.

I went to campus to apply for a job and I already have an interview lined up. That's good. The job is 4-16 hours a week and pays chump change. That's ... less good. Hopefully it'll be a good recurring thing I can do and they'll schedule me well in advance so that I can work a second job with little to no hassle.

I also found my balls and finally went to the theater department office to get a written application, which I have to get done this weekend. I'm at a crossroads, however, because I've realized that it will likely take me three more years to get the degree. That will mean I have spent seven years going for a bachelor's. Is that not ridiculous? Not to mention my hang-up about my age. I don't know ... it's something I am going to have to decide for myself, because Erin is in France and Loretta is in Vegas.

I e-mailed a sleep clinic last night and they called me back today, but now I'm debating if I should call them back. Should I see how this week goes and if I screw up again, THEN call them? What if they don't take insurance? I'm very good at second-guessing everything ...

I took the subway to Chelsea to get my hair cut. I missed the D train by .25 seconds, so I had to hop on the slow R train which stops every five feet. A nice young European man asked me how many stops to City Hall, and when I explained what college I went to, he was very impressed and said it was a very difficult school. See, why didn't I know that during my first semester? I came from Minnesota, and I didn't really have the perspective about the what's what of the CUNY system. Anyway, I was still quite cold to him and I wonder why. I am not the beacon of warm energy that I once was.

Then I got my hair cut after taking forever to find a Bank of America ATM. The barbers at the place I go to are Eastern European, and the man who did my hair is very rough -- grabs your shoulders to put you back, palms your head a lot, and I think it's probably a good thing that he works in a gay neighborhood, because then immature people like me are like "Ooooh, I think I went to first!" whereas if he was working in Brooklyn he would be gettin a lot attitude and "Watch the hair!"

I took the C train for a bit, and an old man hobbled in with a cane and damn near got squished in the door. Then he sat down and kept having outbursts like "OH!" and "OUCH!" and I couldn'nt help but be callous and wonder who lets these people on the train by themselves. Then I got on my 2 train and an OLD MAN PISSED HIS PANTS. I hate the subway, I thought to myself, and then I was in front of a 4-year-old child who didn't know how to chew with his mouth closed. No wonder rich people feel so above mass transit.

Go Back to the Brady Bunch

2008-02-05T21:58:00.000-08:00

I got told to "Go back to the Brady Bunch!" today. It was by a ten-year-old boy, in a group of children making fun of me for my broken umbrella.

"Excuse me, mister," a little girl said. "Your umbrella is upside down."
"It's not upside down," I explained. "It's broken."

Then I got told to go back to the Brady Bunch, and then I threw my umbrella in the trash when I got up to the corner.

Was I more upset about this than the day before, when the twentysomething on his stoop said "That's a fag right there"? I don't know. Children are different.

***

I did not go into the theater department today, but I e-mailed the lady. That counts for something. I think.

Loretta is going to Las Vegas today. We talked and finally smoothed some things over. It will never be perfect, but it doesn't always have to be craptastic, either.

Labels are for soup cans

2008-02-05T10:56:00.000-08:00

The world would be so much better if everyone just listened to me.

News & Notes

2008-02-04T13:46:00.001-08:00

*I am skipping class already. ALREADY. It hasn't been a week yet. What is wrong with me? Why can't I ever get out of bed? Why have I been like this since I was 14? I am going to have to start sleeping with a No-Doz and an energy drink on the nightstand, and while I realize that's the definition of chemical dependency, you gotta do what you do.

*I CAN'T TAKE THE FUCKING DRAMA ANYMORE. That was cryptic and I know that all caps are obnoxious, but I still had to say it.

*Do I go into the theater department tomorrow? Is that when I find the balls that I figuratively left in Minneapolis?

*I am torn about the Super Bowl result. I know, ME CARING ABOUT FOOTBALL! Who knew?

*I am wearing white pants today. Suck it.

*The picture above was taken at the Jezebel.com meet and greet on Friday, and if you forget about my foolish decision to go uptown to the boy bar and spend all the money I don't have, it was a wonderful night. I even met someone from Northeast Minneapolis, proof that the world is much smaller than we realize.

Lexington Avenue Blues

2008-02-02T19:10:00.001-08:00

I really wanted that job.

Perhaps I wouldn't have been so devastated about my schedule not being compatible with it if I had an iota of passion for college -- but I don't. I have to admit that I came here for the wrong reasons, and school was a smoke screen. I left Minneapolis because I was trapped. Then I got to New York, and felt trapped again, and I couldn't help but feel that way as I stood on Lexington Avenue in the rain, staring at this building and down at my blazer making its Manhattan debut.

I went back to the school to try to buy books, or at least see how much they cost. Again dejected, I went to the Theater Department, to sign up for an audition, but chickened out, telling myself I would send an e-mail or try again on Monday. I don't know what my deal is. I figuratively left my balls in Minnesota.

Still, Friday wasn't all bad, as I did some social networking and met up with some commenters from Jezebel.Com at a bar over on the Lower East Side! It was a lot of fun and I now have a business card of a book publicist, to go along with one I have of a literary agent, and when I get drunk I can look at them and pretend that they are my agent and publicist.

However, I drank too much there and then went to the boy bar, where I spent way too much money. At least when you overspend at the casino there's a chance you might get some of it back.

The job hunt will continue next week. Maybe I will try the acting thing. I should do open mikes again. I don't know what my deal is. I think we all have different voices in our heads, not ones that are audible but ones that we know are not real, but they affect us just the same. I have to listen to my positive voice, the one that tells me I can do it, the one that tells me to believe in myself, the one that tells me that I live in New York City, dammit, the one that tells me that I can look back at these years with pride and not shame. I do not know where that voice went, but it was overshadowed by the negative one, the one that shuns hope and positivity.

I really want to delete that last paragraph because it makes me sound like a Starting Over reject, but whatever.

le sigh

2008-01-30T15:52:00.001-08:00

Dear Jacob,

Let me start by saying, "Thank you." You have stood with Elizabeth and me throughout this campaign. Your support has sustained us as we have traveled across this country.

Earlier today, I suspended my campaign for the Democratic nomination for the presidency. I made this announcement from where our journey began just over 12 months ago: New Orleans.

I began my presidential campaign in New Orleans to remind the country that all of us -- as citizens and as a government -- have a moral responsibility to each other, and what we do together matters.

Now, it's time for me to step aside so that history can blaze its path. We do not know who will take the final steps to the White House -- but what we do know is that our Democratic Party will make history.

And, along the way, all of you who have been involved in this campaign and this movement for change and this cause, I am asking you to continue speaking out for those who have no voice, just as Elizabeth and I will continue to do. We need you.

Do not turn away from the great struggles before us. Do not give up on the causes that we have fought for. Do not walk away from what's possible, because it's time for all of us -- all of us together -- to make the two Americas one. We need you.

I hope you will take a few moments to listen to the video clip of my speech in New Orleans earlier this afternoon or to read it below.

In the meantime, Elizabeth and my family join me in thanking all of you for your support and for working so hard on my behalf. We are truly blessed to have such friends.

Thank you.

John Edwards
January 30, 2008

---

Thank you all very much. We're very proud to be back here.

During the spring of 2006, I had the extraordinary experience of bringing 700 college kids here to New Orleans to work. These are kids who gave up their spring break to come to New Orleans to work, to rehabilitate houses, because of their commitment as Americans, because they believed in what was possible, and because they cared about their country.

I began my presidential campaign here to remind the country that we, as citizens and as a government, have a moral responsibility to each other, and what we do together matters. We must do better, if we want to live up to the great promise of this country that we all love so much.

It is appropriate that I come here today. It's time for me to step aside so that history can blaze its path. We do not know who will take the final steps to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, but what we do know is that our Democratic Party will make history. We will be strong, we will be unified, and with our convictions and a little backbone we will take back the White House in November and we'll create hope and opportunity for this country.

This journey of ours began right here in New Orleans. It was a December morning in the Lower Ninth Ward when people went to work, not just me, but lots of others went to work with shovels and hammers to help restore a house that had been destroyed by the storm.

We joined together in a city that had been abandoned by our government and had been forgotten, but not by us. We knew that they still mourned the dead, that they were still stunned by the destruction, and that they wondered when all those cement steps in all those vacant lots would once again lead to a door, to a home, and to a dream.

We came here to the Lower Ninth Ward to rebuild. And we're going to rebuild today and work today, and we will continue to come back. We will never forget the heartache and we'll always be here to bring them hope, so that someday, one day, the trumpets will sound in Musicians' Village, where we are today, play loud across Lake Ponchartrain, so that working people can come marching in and those steps once again can lead to a family living out the dream in America.

We sat with poultry workers in Mississippi, janitors in Florida, nurses in California.

We listened as child after child told us about their worry about whether we would preserve the planet.

We listened to worker after worker say "the economy is tearing my family apart."

We walked the streets of Cleveland, where house after house was in foreclosure.

And we said, "We're better than this. And economic justice in America is our cause."

And we spent a day, a summer day, in Wise, Virginia, with a man named James Lowe, who told us the story of having been born with a cleft palate. He had no health care coverage. His family couldn't afford to fix it. And finally some good Samaritan came along and paid for his cleft palate to be fixed, which allowed him to speak for the first time. But they did it when he was 50 years old. His amazing story, though, gave this campaign voice: universal health care for every man, woman and child in America. That is our cause.

And we do this -- we do this for each other in America. We don't turn away from a neighbor in their time of need. Because every one of us knows that what -- but for the grace of God, there goes us. The American people have never stopped doing this, even when their government walked away, and walked away it has from hardworking people, and, yes, from the poor, those who live in poverty in this country.

For decades, we stopped focusing on those struggles. They didn't register in political polls, they didn't get us votes and so we stopped talking about it. I don't know how it started. I don't know when our party began to turn away from the cause of working people, from the fathers who were working three jobs literally just to pay the rent, mothers sending their kids to bed wrapped up in their clothes and in coats because they couldn't afford to pay for heat.

We know that our brothers and sisters have been bullied into believing that they can't organize and can't put a union in the workplace. Well, in this campaign, we didn't turn our heads. We looked them square in the eye and we said, "We see you, we hear you, and we are with you. And we will never forget you." And I have a feeling that if the leaders of our great Democratic Party continue to hear the voices of working people, a proud progressive will occupy the White House.

Now, I've spoken to both Senator Clinton and Senator Obama. They have both pledged to me and more importantly through me to America, that they will make ending poverty central to their campaign for the presidency.

And more importantly, they have pledged to me that as President of the United States they will make ending poverty and economic inequality central to their Presidency. This is the cause of my life and I now have their commitment to engage in this cause.

And I want to say to everyone here, on the way here today, we passed under a bridge that carried the interstate where 100 to 200 homeless Americans sleep every night. And we stopped, we got out, we went in and spoke to them.

There was a minister there who comes every morning and feeds the homeless out of her own pocket. She said she has no money left in her bank account, she struggles to be able to do it, but she knows it's the moral, just and right thing to do. And I spoke to some of the people who were there and as I was leaving, one woman said to me, "You won't forget us, will you? Promise me you won't forget us." Well, I say to her and I say to all of those who are struggling in this country, we will never forget you. We will fight for you. We will stand up for you.

But I want to say this -- I want to say this because it's important. With all of the injustice that we've seen, I can say this, America's hour of transformation is upon us. It may be hard to believe when we have bullets flying in Baghdad and it may be hard to believe when it costs $58 to fill your car up with gas. It may be hard to believe when your school doesn't have the right books for your kids. It's hard to speak out for change when you feel like your voice is not being heard.

But I do hear it. We hear it. This Democratic Party hears you. We hear you, once again. And we will lift you up with our dream of what's possible.

One America, one America that works for everybody.

One America where struggling towns and factories come back to life because we finally transformed our economy by ending our dependence on oil.

One America where the men who work the late shift and the women who get up at dawn to drive a two-hour commute and the young person who closes the store to save for college. They will be honored for that work. One America where no child will go to bed hungry because we will finally end the moral shame of 37 million people living in poverty.

One America where every single man, woman and child in this country has health care.

One America with one public school system that works for all of our children.

One America that finally brings this war in Iraq to an end. And brings our service members home with the hero's welcome that they have earned and that they deserve.

Today, I am suspending my campaign for the Democratic nomination for the Presidency.

But I want to say this to everyone: with Elizabeth, with my family, with my friends, with all of you and all of your support, this son of a millworker's gonna be just fine. Our job now is to make certain that America will be fine.

And I want to thank everyone who has worked so hard â€“ all those who have volunteered, my dedicated campaign staff who have worked absolutely tirelessly in this campaign.

And I want to say a personal word to those I've seen literally in the last few days â€“ those I saw in Oklahoma yesterday, in Missouri, last night in Minnesota â€“ who came to me and said don't forget us. Speak for us. We need your voice. I want you to know that you almost changed my mind, because I hear your voice, I feel you, and your cause is our cause. Your country needs you â€“ every single one of you.

All of you who have been involved in this campaign and this movement for change and this cause, we need you. It is in our hour of need that your country needs you. Don't turn away, because we have not just a city of New Orleans to rebuild. We have an American house to rebuild.

This work goes on. It goes on right here in Musicians' Village. There are homes to build here, and in neighborhoods all along the Gulf. The work goes on for the students in crumbling schools just yearning for a chance to get ahead. It goes on for day care workers, for steel workers risking their lives in cities all across this country. And the work goes on for two hundred thousand men and women who wore the uniform of the United States of America, proud veterans, who go to sleep every night under bridges, or in shelters, or on grates, just as the people we saw on the way here today. Their cause is our cause.

Their struggle is our struggle. Their dreams are our dreams.

Do not turn away from these great struggles before us. Do not give up on the causes that we have fought for. Do not walk away from what's possible, because it's time for all of us, all of us together, to make the two Americas one.

Thank you. God bless you, and let's go to work. Thank you all very much.

The Penthouse Goes Orange

2008-01-28T20:19:00.000-08:00

This weekend I had visiters at the Penthouse!

Laleh, one of my best friends from high school, brought down two of her gal pals from Syracuse (Chae and Mary Clare) to enjoy the big city. "So we have a Persian, an Irish girl and an Asian, and we're in a Caribbean neighborhood," I told them upon arrival. "I feel like we're at a model UN meeting."

I felt bad because I was a lazy-ass and STILL hadn't done laundry upon their arrival, but they were still impressed by the penthouse. Friday night we did the token Times Square thing,

because I make all of my visitors ride the ferris wheel at Toys 'R' Us and get a souvie pic. We rode the Monopoly car.

After that and a bite to eat at McDonald's, we ventured up to Midtown to walk by the ice skating rink and to hit some clubs ... or so we thought. Because at 52nd and 5th, the incident happened.

I was uncharacteristically in the back, with the girls in front. One second the crosswalk is entirely clear with no traffic coming. A blink later, and a honking taxi cab speeds through a red light. I hear "CHAE!" then a "WHOA" and I see that Chae is on the ground. The cab pulls over and Laleh and Mary Clare chase it down, while I stay on the corner with Chae.

"Are you okay?" I asked.
"It hit my foot," she explained. A very nice couple talked to us -- the husband seemed to be a doctor and his wife seemed to be a lawyer -- while their friend walked with Laleh to get the information from the cab driver as Mary Clare joined me and Chae. Chae was able to stand by herself but admitted being afraid to walk on her foot. We called an ambulance just as a precaution, as it seemed a good idea to get an x-ray. We didn't get the names of the couple, and I wanted to thank them, as well as be their friends, because they seemed who I wanted to be in ten years.

The ambulance from New York Presbyterian Hospital arrived rather quickly. "Oh, good, Presbyterians!" Laleh cried.
"Stop making fun of my religion all the time," Chae whined.
We asked the driver where he was from.
"Flawahpawk Lawnilin," he said.
"How do you say that if you aren't from New York?" Mary Clare asked.
"Floral Park, Long Island," he explained.

The driver got back to his seat while the four of us hopped in the back of an ambulance. "We can turn on the siren," the driver said. "For all these people know, she's dying back here."

Chae explained that the boots we were all making fun of possibly saved her foot, and had she been wearing sneakers her foot would have been crushed. Laleh and Mary Clare promised to never make fun of the boots again.

"Oooh, I've never been to the Upper East Side before," I told myself as we continued going uptown. Up around the '70s, the driver took us through a reserved area of Central Park as a way to get to the hospital faster.
"Well, we saw Central Park," Laleh noted. "At least we can cross that off the list."
"Good news," the EMT in the back told us. "You're under 21, so you get to get checked in on the pedes floor." That meant toys and fun pictures on the wall!

In the parking lot, Mary Clare interviewed an orderly who spoke with a strong African accent. "Did you have any interesting cases tonight?" she asked.
"No," he said. "And now I go home to my drink."
"That's what WE wanted to do!" I whined.
"You can not have drink!" he cried. "You are just baby!"
"He's actually the oldest one here," MC said under her breath. Then I felt old.

Chae rolled in, got checked in, and ... then we stayed at the hospital. For a long ass time. She ended up not having a fracture, we took a cab to the closest subway, took the 4 train home, and ended up not getting back to the penthouse until six in the morning. Ugh!

The next day, we hit Canal Street (Chinatown/SoHo) to hit up some shopping. Laleh is an expert barterer as she has experience of watching her dad in Iran. None of the Chinatown vendors talked to Chae. Walking through SoHo filled me with an unhealthy desire to be insanely wealthy. We also stopped by this restaurant, which made me think of my friend Diva!

On the way back, Chae had to go to the bathroom really bad -- and not that kind. When the train hit the stop, her and I sprinted to my apartment; not bad for an asthmatic and a girl with a bum foot.

That night, we hit up the West Village because Laleh and MC wanted piercings and Chae flirted with the idea of getting a tattoo. Laleh and MC got their rooks pierced by a lady named Carmen, who spoke with a heavy Spanish accent, wore a midriff top despite having an ample stomach, and she had HUMUNGOUS BOOBS. We all fell in love with her and wished she would have gone out with us. She was also very diplomatic when we told her that the tattoo guy next door seemed kind of douchey. "You have to feel good about it," she said. "It is connection, like doctor. It is not yust something you go do."

We were in a neighborhood that was lined up with tattoo parlors -- much like that block in Chelsea lined up with hair salons -- so Chae went to a place next door where we felt more confident about their service. Girl got to go back to Syracuse with crutches and a tattoo. After that, we hit up a hole inj the wall bar in Midtown that HAD LEINENKUGEL'S, brewed in Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin, hometown of Whitey, my freshman year roommate! Granted, I didn't order any, because I was feeling burpy and only had one Gas-X on me and beer only makes that problem worse, but I was still very stoked that it was available. It took us forever to get home, and right before our stop a homeless man fell on top of me. I didn't mind too much because a) I was tired/drunk, b) at least he didn't try to mug me, and c) I was excited about getting to read a Color Purple playbill! Everyone in the cast is very religious and Chaka Khan doesn't do matinee performances.

Sunday afternoon arrived, and I took the girls out for some Brooklyn pizza. Laleh and I were excited that the pizza parlor had Slice! "I haven't had orange pop since third grade soccer practice," she reminisced. Leinenkugel's and Slice in one weekend? Someone up there loves me.

The girls left, and in a perfect world I'll not only get a kick-ass job, but one that gives me a weekend off so I can head up to Syracuse this semester for a visit! Laleh is studying abroad for a year and Chae is thinking of transferring, so it's kind of a now or never moment. We shall see.

I Really Did Have G.I. Joes as a Kid, Honest

2008-01-28T11:48:00.000-08:00

The only celebrity to make me type in annoying caps -- for example, OH MY GOD CHANNING TATUM -- has just been cast as Duke in the G.I. Joe movie.

2008-01-22T14:17:00.001-08:00

Honest to Blog

2008-01-22T06:27:00.001-08:00

I went to the movies yesterday because I decided that I needed to get out of the penthouse more often, especially since all weekend I did nothing but drink. It's what you're do when unemployed and school isn't in session, I guess. Still, drinking by yourself is a lot different than drinking in crappy basement parties surrounded by your peers. Then I kept thinking about what my story would be like if I went on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.

I enjoyed the movie I saw (more on that later), but I ended up losing a bunch of money yesterday. I bought a new MetroCard and prompty lost it. I bought my ticket online using Fandango but took the wrong train to the theater and ended up getting hella lost on the Lower East Side. I spilled nacho cheese all over my white shoes and it won't come out. I must have done something to deserve such bad karma, but I am sick of the world kicking me in the balls.

Anyway, I saw Juno and loved it. I had heard that it was "kind of Minnesotan", but that movie is absolutely 100% Minnesotan, and I'm sure I would have liked it enough had I not come from the Gopher State, but I think that much like Drop Dead Gorgeous, one gets additional enjoyment out of it seeing their home state being represented so well.

Today I am to sort out the red tape at my school that would make FEMA blush, then I'm to do 25 loads of laundry, and then I have to take this proficiency exam thing. I'm waiting for Target to call me, only to possibly turn them down, since they had me sign what my availability was three times and now thanks to this joke of a school my schedule has been completely re-shuffled. Laleh is visiting this weekend and I want to be excited, but I can't help but think how much cleaning I will have to do, how I have absolutely no money to entertain her or give her a real New York City experience, how my life is an illusion. I had to go to the CollegeBoard website today and all that website does is depress me. I have been to two different colleges, and neither time was I there for the right reasons.

Humph.

News & Notes

2008-01-18T18:29:00.001-08:00

I'm only registered for six credits right now because my college has more red tape than FEMA. I've hit a wall when it comes to it. I think the whole thing was a mistake, but I also know it was my only way out, and that the alternative (sitting in my parents' basement hating life and wondering what could have been) would have been so much worse.

I should NOT be watching High School Musical 2 Around the World, but I am, and I am so embarrassed about it. At least I can take comfort in the fact that I only have a crush on Zac Efron when he is Link Larkin. He is old enough to be my grandson.

Is Sharpay supposed to be the villain in this thing? 'Cuz, she's like, the best person in this damn movie.

My good friend wants to visit. It would be nice, but a) I have no money to do fun, NYC stuff and b) the penthouse is ghettotastic right now.

So Long Banana

2008-01-09T22:46:00.000-08:00

I had my last shift at Banana Republic today. I was not aware it was my last shift until the middle of it, when I went to check next week's schedule and saw that my name was not on the roster, and then a co-worker told me this was the last week for the seasonals (we were hired for 90, but according to Gap Inc. math 90 is fiftysomething. Okay).

I felt bummed, like I'm sure the cast of Full House did when they found out on day they taped their season finale that it was actually the SERIES finale (and why do I know that off of the top of my head?). But I never really fit in at that place anyway, even though I did end up being really good at shoes. When it came to that job, I was Jackie Gayda'd.

Jackie Gayda was the co-winner of Tough Enough 2, a reality show put together by WWE when they wanted to join the reality TV Bandwagon. The contestants of Tough Enough received rudimentary training to be professional wrestlers, and the winners were awarded WWE contracts, becoming either WWE Superstars if they were other boys or WWE Divas if they were girls (no one can ever be called a "wrestler" in WWE, which, like many things about the world of pro wrestling, is very odd).

I have a point with this, I promise! The winners of the first Tough Enough didn't show up on the TV shows for a long time after winning the competition, because they were being trained in the developmental territories. But the second time around, they thought that they needed more girls on the shows right away because they had just split the company up into two different brands, so even though Jackie hardly had any experience or training, they put her in a mixed tag team match on Raw, which is a live show. It is thought by many to be one of the worst matches in the show's history, as it was painfully obvious that Jackie had no idea what she was doing. The match mercifully ended when her opponent jumped off the top rope and grazed the back of her head, and then Jackie stood there for a few seconds before falling down on her face to take the move. She wasn't on TV again for over a year.

So anyway, that's how I felt at that job some nights, when I was supposed to fold cashmere sweaters but I had NO IDEA how to fold cashmere sweaters, and everybody would just give me dirty looks and wonder what the hell was wrong with me. Tomorrow I interview at Target to go back to my roots as a cashier. They are building one a few blocks from my house, and if that is not a big bulls-eye sign from God, I don't know what is. Besides, Target is based in Minneapolis and that way I am being true to my roots. My back is already acting up, but that's why God made ibuprofen. And vodka. And if you have ibuprofen BEFORE vodka, it thins your blood and you get drunk faster, which is one of the many things I learned in college.

2007 Supporting Actress Blogathon

2008-01-05T20:54:00.001-08:00

the following is a part of the 2007 supporting actress blogathon
for more entries, visit stinkylulu.blogspot.com

Last year, I had the privilege of discovering the blog of StinkyLulu, as well as his perennial Supporting Actress Blogathon, which I gleefully took part in last year. In all honesty, I was growing worried by November, when I realized that I had hardly seen any original films, but if the Blogathon should come with any rules, it should be that you don't go into a film expecting the Blogathon Performance; it will come to you. And on a hot, lonely August evening, I was at an overpriced multiplex at Union Square being dazzled by the performance of ...

MICHELLE PFEIFFER in HAIRSPRAY

There are plenty of admirable performances in this movie based on a musical based on a movie -- John Travolta gamely plays the zaftig Baltimore housewife Edna Turnblad as straightforwardly as a male actor could, and I would shamefully watch Amanda Bynes read the phonebook -- but the richest performance of the film belongs to Pfeiffer, who manages to play up the campy aspects of the film just enough without crashing through the ceiling that sends it over-the-top.

Velma von Tussle is a bigoted, racist woman who will stop at nothing to prevent anyone but her daughter, Amber, from winning Miss Teenage Hairspray on the local cable station, which she owns.

The film is so exhaustingly lighthearted, even when dealing with its subject of racism and bigotry, that losing the theme could have been a real danger. But with her pitch-perfect tantrums delivered in her signature purr, Pfeiffer's Velma prevents us from forgetting that Hairspray isn't just about the fat girl saving the day, but about triumphing over a very real problem.

There are several scenes of Velma showing her true colors --including a racially charged smackdown of Queen Latifah's Motormouth Maybelle -- but most vicious as far as the script is concerned is when Velma and her daughter run into the overweight Turnblad girls (Edna and her daughter Tracy) on a night on the town. "Tracy has certainly REDEFINED our standards!" Velma laughs, and it's laced with the perfect evil soccer mom underhanded delivery that's likely all too common in the politics of today's suburbia.

Only later in the film do Velma's layers get peeled away, when she attempts to seduce Edna's husband Wilbur (a plot point written specifically for the remake). Yes, it plays up Pfeiffer's sex appeal, but when Velma's ruse fails, there's a flicker of frustration and self-doubt: How could someone pick Edna over her? Is she no longer the young Miss Baltimore Crabs? For a brief moment, the character is damn near sympathetic. And by showing disdain for everybody in the film but her character's daughter, Pfeiffer makes it clear that she is not just motivated by bigotry, but also by a sense of allegiance to her daughter. It's the only humane motivation of Velma's to come through.

It is the consistency of Velma's nature that makes Pfeiffer's performance such a marvel. In the typically hokey, everyone-is-happy ending, the entire town of Baltimore, including Velma's daughter, welcomes integration on its airwaves -- except for Velma, who watches in horror as she is left as the only prejudicial person in town. Yes, naysayers would say the script dictates this, but there's something about Pfeiffer's last look of anger and shock that goes beyond the stock character of villainess. The last time that we see Velma von Tussle, her entire world has fallen apart as she knows it. At that particular moment in the film, we shouldn't really be caring about Velma anymore, but Pfeiffer is so forceful in the role that it's almost a shame when the camera pans back over to the kiddies.

It may not be the most naturalistic or subtle of performances, but for standing out in an admirable ensemble cast of eleven (remember that trailer?), Pfeiffer certainly deserves her due.

2007 surveys

2008-01-04T21:38:00.000-08:00

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
rode the subway
everything new york basically
oh and i did stand-up comedy
and went to the club
it was a big year i guess

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i dont think i made any

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
cousin andi

4. Did anyone close to you die?
grandma jeanne
great-grandma nota

5. What countries did you visit?
none

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
CONFIDENCE
SELF-ACCEPTANCE
SELF-SUFFICIENCE

7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
July 15th, 'cuz I turned 21

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
moving to nyc
but it's not really my achievement

9. What was your biggest failure?
being my own worst enemy
not asking for help

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
depends what you mean

11. What was the best thing you bought?
my red shoes from la porta bella
the bouncers at splash always like them

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
idk

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
bill o'reilly

14. Where did most of your money go?
food

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
nothing :-(
depression does that to ya

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
new york city
white houses (love to the UW)

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? i should be happier
ii. thinner or fatter? i must be thinner because mike and loretta both told me i look like a concentration camp survivor
i'll just send a card next christmas
iii. richer or poorer? soooo poor

18. What do you wish you'd done more?
smiled
believed

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
slept
cuz i did it ALL the time
dr. don would say it was running away from myself

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
xmas eve was at home and then greta came over and we watched the best song of the '90s on vh1
xmas we went to blaine minnesota
and my cousin gave me stomach flu

21. Did you fall in love in 2007?
nope

22. How many one-night stands?
0

23. What was your favorite TV program?
everything on ABC!! housewives, brothers & sisters until scottie came back, ugly betty, dirty sexy money, private practice ... also WWE Raw and judge judy

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
no

25. What was the best book you read?
celebrity detox (the fame game) by rosie o'donnell
if by best you mean only

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
the submarines
jordin sparks because tattoo is playing right now
although she's not really my musical discovery because she won american idol
CAN'T WASTE TIME SO GIVE ME THE MOMENT
I REALIZE NOTHING'S BROKEN
NO NEED TO WORRY ABOUT EVERYTHING I'VE DONE ...

27. What did you want and get?
a way out
so why was i so unhappy

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
i only saw two movies this year
and my smart self should say charlie wilson's war
but really
the only movie i saw in new york was HAIRSPRAY
at union square
for like fourteen dollars
and it was so worth it
"Doreen
Noreen
and I'm ...
*bam bam bam bam*
Link"
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i turned 21
dane loretta mike larry shirley and i went to dinner at ... i forget the name of it
granite house or something like that
and then diva and i went to the CLUB

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
financial independence
or a car

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
jakey

32. What kept you sane?
vodka
The UW

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
oh channing

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
um how about OUR PRESIDENT SANCTIONED TORTURE
but that it doesn't make the news
because britney is more important

35. Who did you miss?
my UW girls
my STA peeps
grandma
pierre
even lizzie mutt

36. Who was the best new person you met?
amy
my NYC fashionista

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
to be present
soak things in
don't worry so much about the end picture
because you'll never be happy that way

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Maybe you were all faster than me
We gave up each other up so easily
These silly little wounds will never mend
I feel so far from where I've been
So I go
And I will not be back here again
I'm as gone as day is fading
On white houses

I lie
With my injuries all in the dust
In my heart it's the (six) of us
In white houses

And you
Maybe you'll remember me
What I gave you is yours to keep
In white houses

~January~

1. did you have a New's Year's resolution?: no
2.Who kissed you at midnight?: no one i was by myself
3. does it snow where you live?: yes very much so
which is part of why i was by myself
4. do you like hot chocolate?: not really
5. have you ever been to times square to watch the ball drop?: no
i will someday

~February~

1. who was your valentine in 2007?: i didn't have one
2. what did your valentine get you?: nothing
3. when you were little, did you buy valentines for your whole class?: EVERYBODY DID
and then you made boxes
it was so fun

~March~

1. are you Irish?: a teeny tiny bit
2. Do you wear green on St. Patty's Day?: i believe i did
3. What did you do on St. Patty's Day?: oh ... i partied with the UW girls i'm sure
look it up in the archives if you must
4. did you meet anyone in march?: i'm sure i did
i was a social butterfly in my stout days

~April~

1. Do you like the rain?: YES
i would always walk in it when I got emo
2. Did you play an April fool's joke on anyone this year?: no
3. do you get tons of candy on easter?: I think so?
Did I go home on Easter? I can't remember

~May~

1. What's your favorite kind of flower?: dandelions
which is weird
cuz everybody hates them
2. Do u like the spring?: depressed people are indifferent to seasons
3. Finish the phrase: April showers bring may flowers, what do may flowers bring?: Anna Stark wrote pilgrims
And I will copy her
Because it is funny
4. What would you think of as a spring color?: blue, green, pink and purple pastels
I copied that from Anna too
Because it makes sense

~June~

1. What year did you graduate from school?: '05
But no one needs to know
BECAUSE NEXT YEAR I LIE ABOUT MY AGE
2. Did you go on any vacations last June?: no
i stayed in bed
i was depressed this summer
that is the recurring theme of this survey, kids

~July~

1. What did you do on the 4th of July?: i stayed home
but i wasn't sad about it
cuz diva and i went to tastes of minnesota two days before and they had fireworks
2. do you go on any vacations during this month?:hot laura and i took a road trip to MENOMBOMB baby

~August~

1. did you do anything special to end off your summer?: i moved to new york
2. what was your favorite summer memory of '07?: sleeping with erin mcC for a whole week
or my casino party
3. do you go swimming a lot in the summer?: no

~September~

1. Did you attend school/college in '07?: technically
but i dropped out every other day
2. who is/was your favorite teacher?: Dr. Entin
But then I dropped his class
3. do you like fall better than summer?: no
fall doesn't have my birthday

~October~

1. what was your favorite halloween costume ever?: Freshman year when I was Whitey!
2. what's your favorite candy?: dots
3. what did you dress up like this year?: i just bought devil horns and a pitchfork
i was on a budget

~November~

1. whose house do you usually go to for thanksgiving?: usually grandma shirley's
2. Do you like stuffing?: YES
3. what are you thankful for?: friends, family, indoor plumbing

~December~

1. do you celebrate christmas?: yes
2. have you ever been kissed under mistletoe?: no
3. what do you want this year for christmas?: world peace
4. what's the best present you ever got for Christmas?: a nintendo when i was 5
and then in fifth grade i sold it
and neither I nor my brother have forgiven me
5. do you like cold weather?: NO
6. How would u rate your 2007?: sad but transitional

AND DON'T FORGET TOMORROW!

2008

2007-12-31T16:56:00.001-08:00

burn the books
they've got too many names and psychoses
all this incriminating evidence
would surely haunt me
if someone broke into my house

suits in the living room
do you realize guys I was born in 1986
we've got someone here to explain your publishing
we know how much you love to be in front of audiences

hopeful you are
schoolbound you are
naive you are
driven you are

take a trip to New York with your guardian
and your fake identification
when they said "is there something anything
you'd like to know young man?"
you said "Yes, I'd like to know what kind of people
I'll be dealing with"

precocious you are
headstrong you are
terrified you are
ahead of your time you are

don't mind our staring but
we're surprised you're not in a far-gone asylum
we're surprised you didn't crack up
lord knows that we would have
we would've liked to have been there
but you keep pushing us away

resilient you are
big time you are
ruthless you are
precious you are

new year

2007-12-29T02:20:00.001-08:00

I visited "home" for the holidays (I put home in quotations because I am in that strange transitional phase in life when you are not sure what home is -- is it where you are born and raised, or is it the parent-subsidized location that you currently inhabit? Perhaps it is neither). After a few days with the family, I reunited with an old college friend on the 26th, where I drank enough to make Lindsay Lohan blush. The next morning I was married to the toilet and rediscovering Christianity. This story sounds like it's old hat, but I partied for two years in small-town Wisconsin as a college student and never once puked. I am not a puker. Something was very wrong here, especially when I couldn't keep anything down either and my mother banished me to ice chips.

It turns out that my baby cousin, who I had seen at Christmas, gave us all the stomach flu! It was a 'survival of the fittest thing', because only about half the relatives got it, and since I must have the weakest immune system of all, I was punished the worst. Conversely, my 71-year-old Army vet grandfather felt nothing.

I hate the idea of New Year's Resolutions, because five years ago I was supposed to have a driver's license and a six-pack. Instead I moved to New York City where cars are unnecessary and I still have the body of a ten-year-old. Nevertheless, here are some possible goals:

BE PRODUCTIVE. I don't want to use quanitative measures because those screw us up, but I want to finish a book this year and make sure that my blogs do not outnumber my mike appearances (I am still in Open Mike World). This is not to say that I will have a book published or end up being a MySpace/YouTube superstar, because neither one of those things are in my control -- but the effort is.

GET A REAL JOB. Because my current one hates me and only schedules me twice a week. AndtheboyIlikedwhoworkedtheremovedtoMiami. So there.

BE INVOLVED IN SCHOOL. 'Cause right now I'm just hangin' out, gettin' my feet wet, not sure if it's my 'thing' or not, and I'm too old to be doing that. So it's workworkwork for the next few years, and when I graduate I can always lie about my age.

BE POSITIVE. Because nobody likes that emo kid who hates you, himself, and everything around him.

FORGIVE MYSELF FOR NOT LOOKING LIKE CHANNING TATUM. Because I am adorable, dammit.

Happy New Year to all.

Dare I...

2007-12-19T23:34:00.001-08:00

...Go to the club by MYSELF tomorrow? (It's campus night, so free with college ID and $3 Long Island Iced Teas). Will go if only all of my chores are done and I promptly pre-game before at the comedy club.

Dear Diary

2007-12-16T22:52:00.001-08:00

Dear Diary,

The boy that I really like? HE IS MOVING. And even though he is straight anyway, I like the way that he talks to me, and I am going to miss him and I am never going to see him again and he probably won't even remember me! I have to do my stupid homework that I keep delaying and now I'm not going to get any sleep! I HATE MY LIFE!

Love always,
Jakey

----

Here's the sad thing:

I could have written this at either 14 or 21. Some things will never change.

In other news, I have decided that antidepressants to me are like religion -- I'm sure I need it, but I am too stubborn and cowardly in the end.

Heckled in Herald

2007-12-09T00:56:00.000-08:00

I got heckled today
in Herald Square

It has happened so many times before
In Minneapolis and surrounding areas
And in Menomonie Wisconsin
And it will undoubtedly happen again

I just did not think
It could ever happen
In Herald Square
In the middle of Manhattan
In the middle of a city of 8 million
Where everyone has a dream
And we are all God's people

I live in a quote unquote black neighborhood
In South Flatbush Brooklyn
My first month here
I was afraid
Of them being afraid
I was waiting for it
Waiting for the catcalls
Waiting for the words
They never came
Because people really don't care

And when I walked south to Midwood Brooklyn
And met the racist 90-year-old lady
I realized we are all God's people
And why should I be afraid
And my neighbors are my neighbors
Kumbaya

It is a double-edged sword
Because if I was not that way
Well I would not have been Jakey
I would not have been The Diva
I would not have been in a posse of six attractive girls
I would not have had The UW
Whitey and I would not have been The Odd Couple
If I was not this way
My humor
Would not come from that place

But if I was not that way
I would not have to deal with this shit
Time and time again
I would not have to lower my voice ten octaves on the phone
To avoid being called ma'am or Mrs. xxxxxx

Famousphere Boy
I don't know what to say
"I'll fly you out here
You can meet agents"
"I miss you"
"I wish you were here"

Sorry kid
I'm not confident anymore
And I know it's all about who you know
But I want to feel that whatever I get
I will have earned

I am too squeamish
For Grey's Anatomy

I am so getting fired
From the Banana

Am I

2007-12-03T22:33:00.000-08:00

I am not going to say I killed
Because I have only been doing this for two months
And to say that invites all kinds of bad karma

I will say that the audience was AWESOME
It is always interesting when there is a gay in the room
The people after you go "I'm so homophobic -- oh wait, not you"
But it's okay
'Cause it's FUNNY
In a real way

Am I making any sense
Am I sounding like just a fanboy

They told me to come back
But I was up there for six minutes
I feel I pulled out my entire arsenal
I did everything
I did the Jakey not Jake routine
I did the IBS routine
I did the Banana Republic routine
I did the Brooklyn routine
I did the homophobia vs racism routine
I did the getting literally picked up at the club routine

Oh my god
I am going to have to come up with new stuff
I only come up with new stuff in the shower
And there is a problem with the drain right now

I am realizing
It is not about the famousphere
As much as it is about the art
And I know how pretentious that is going to sound
But it's true

I would much rather
Do this for a few years
And then be on TV
As opposed to being the Leave Britney Alone boy

He got a talent agent
A week before I went onstage
That was the fire
There cannot be another skinny blonde girly boy making it big
I have to be the only one

My brother watches Joel Osteen
He says to celebrate yourself not compare
Perhaps the world is big enough for the both of us

Am I bipolar

Today in New York

2007-12-03T21:47:00.001-08:00

I was SO productive -- and the night ended with a rather stellar performance at The Laugh Lounge, if I say so myself!

WTF

2007-11-29T20:47:00.000-08:00

Apparently my Wells Fargo debit card got charged $100 for purchases made at a Walgreens in Miami, but I have never been to Miami and my card has been here the whole time. HMMM ...

In the Dark

2007-11-27T18:24:00.000-08:00

The light in my living room is burned out and my lamp won't work. I feel like a bat.

Saturday Night Ramblings

2007-11-24T20:06:00.000-08:00

I just don't feel ANYTHING
Maybe I am tired and need electrolytes
Hooray purple Vitamin Water

Microsoft Word is blank
It's been that way for the past few years now
I always end up writing fake interviews of myself
And that is something a 10-year-old would do

The Banana is what it is
I suck at folding
But I'm okay at talking to people
And I like that I have a headset

To pay for stuff all by myself is my new year's resolution
And maybe gaining five pounds of solid muscle

Yesterday there were children running around in my sales racks
And they did not speak English
And I am bad with children
My co-worker tried in his New York accent
"Kids! Be cayful! Ya'll kill yaselves"

I do not like my accent
I sound like Frances McDormand in Fargo
The kids in acting class make fun of it and I think it is karma
Because in middle school we had a new kid from Queens and I would always make fun

These things are like bad SNL sketches
I never know how to end them
So there you go

Today in New York

2007-11-20T21:36:00.001-08:00

I went to class
And then got a haircut
for $14
in Chelsea

Worth it and more
Channing Tatum's twin brother was there
People were nice and not judgmental
And the most important thing is
That my faux mullet is now gone

Still nervous about work tomorrow
But it's gonna be okay
Hopefully someone helps me put my belt on
It is kind of ridiculous that I can't do it myself
Maybe I will ask a nice old lady on the subway

I HATE PHILOSOPHY
But I must pass it
Erin loves it and I don't get it
I don't want to think about how I think
I just want to think

Happy thanksgiving to you and yours

Queer Film Blogathon Entry: Trick

2007-11-18T17:28:00.000-08:00

The following entry is a part of the Queering the Apparatus Queer Film Blogathon

When I first heard of the Queer Blogathon courtesy of StinkyLulu, I was both excited and apprehensive. At first glance, "queer cinema" was a term that is much like "chick lit" -- not a term that is degrading per se, but one that labelizes a medium based on only one aspect of it. But once I saw the original announcement, I believed that a goal of this project is to prove the versatility that cinema can offer when presenting gay themes. So while I am sure there will be many riveting entries about films with great political impact, I chose to blog about a film that I saw when I was twelve years old, a film that, by being so blatantly apolitical and free of issues, showed me more about what it means to be gay than any Logo movie of the week ever could ...

Trick (1999), directed by Jim Fall
Starring Christian Campbell, JP Pitoc and Tori Spelling

On paper, the plot of Trick is silly -- almost ridiculous. Gabriel (Campbell) is a cute but nerdy aspiring playwright who encounters an attractive go-go-boy, Mark (Pitoc), on the subway in Manhattan.

The two spend an entire night in Manhattan trying to find a place to have a one-night stand. Surprisingly, the film ends up not being about sex but about an emotional connection between an unlikely pair, as well as presenting a cavalcade of characters, ranging from stereotypical older piano bar queens, reformed gay Christians, drunken party boys, and various aspiring theater whores.

It is strange to think a film with such an ostensibly shallow plot would have such impact on a questioning 12-year-old --

after all, the first shot of JP Pitoc's gargantuan pectoral muscles let me know I was at least bisexual -- but subtle choices by the screenwriter prevent the film from being just a gay movie.

Case in point: Gabriel's roommate, Rich, is straight. While Rich is a buffoon and there is a sense that the film argues straight men are dumb as rocks, it is also a powerful thing to contain a scene in which Gabriel and Rich are in the bathroom, flipping a coin to decide who gets the apartment to have sex that night (Gabriel with Mark and Rich with his girlfriend returning from Paris). Their sexual orientations are different, but they both have a common interest, as well as a respect for each other. Compare this to a recent comedy series on Logo, in which any time one of the characters has to even TALK to a heterosexual, panic and chaos ensue.

But if the film is to have any queer sensibility, it is an actressexual's dream. Tori Spelling surprisingly knocks out of the park her role as Catherine, the neurotic aspiring actress who is hopelessly in love with her gay best friend -- never on screen will there be a more hilarious monologue about cheese fries. It is a fun, fearless performance, as if an agent told her to find a role that was the furthest thing away from either Donna Martin or her various TV-movie roles.

In the role of Rich's ditsy, free-spirit girlfriend, Lorri Bagley achieves the funniest scene in the movie. Having just had reunion sex with Rich and with her breasts in full display, she announces her dream of being a sex therapist while attempting to repair a rift between Mark and Gabriel. With her exotic looks and coquettish voice to boot, Bagley does the most with a small part.

Finally, one would be remiss to omit the performance of Miss Coco Peru -- it's one of the meatiest parts for a drag queen this side of To Wong Foo. Coco Peru is the true diva of the movie, and also the catalyst as she is the one who plants the seed of doubt in Gabriel's mind about Mark, and when she is proven to be the only villain of the film, it's another cliche turned on its ear.

Nearly ten years later, I still remember how I felt viewing this movie: the sadness I felt when the bitchy friend I watched it with announced, "You'll never have pecs like that" as Gabriel doffs his shirt at the nightclub; my heart melting when Mark and Gabriel clandestinely hold hands while sitting at a 24-hour diner; the wonder I had, wondering what life would be like when *I* would be in my twenties and gay. I have yet to date a go-go boy, but I did move to New York City and began my own fake career as an aspiring entertainer. The other ways the film mirrors my life (my first roommate was his own version of Rich, I never did get pecs like Christian Campbell, and one of the only people I currently know in NYC is an older man who likes piano bars) is still surprising.

While Trick may not be a film with great social or political impact, it was my first "gay movie", and the first work of art I viewed as an adolescent that let me know that it was okay to be gay. And in a world where married men solicit sex in airport bathrooms, I think that's enough.

Viral Vendredi

2007-11-16T16:59:00.000-08:00

WILL & GRACE BLOOPERS

LIVE TV DEBUT

2007-11-12T22:32:00.001-08:00

"RESPECT"
PANEL DISCUSSION OF TEEN ISSUES
TONIGHT'S TOPIC: THE OVERLY INDEPENDENT TEENAGER

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 14TH LIVE ON CHANNEL 34 IN MAHATTAN
OR ONLINE AT WWW.MNN.ORG
TUESDAY 8 PM EST

Doubt is a Seed

2007-11-12T22:31:00.003-08:00

I told them I was leaving Stout
I was going to live in my room
Showed up with a legal contract
I was going to pay rent

They looked at me
With that look of scorn and disappointment
That I have become so used to

I got accepted to a school in New York
I told them I was going
It was my only way out

Summer 2007
Was even worse than '06
I felt like a prisoner
21 years old in a first-ring suburb
Skyline in the backyard

Alas I had no driver's license
Yes I failed the damn test four times
But I should have done that at 16
Not 20

They will never understand my anger
They will never know what it did to me
Demeaned and dehumanized
I am just oversensitive and whiny
And such an asshole
I get it

I will get over it someday
That when I was 16 and on Paxil
My mother had to win the game of Scratch My Back
It is what it is

A week before I left
My father asked me
"Are you even excited to go?"
I told him no
But that I had to

Doubt is a seed
When it gets planted
It spurts like an angry plant

My first months in New York City
I was all alone
In the most literal sense

No one to wake me up
And I was missing school
Couldn't find a job
I was trying but not hard enough

They said I was sad and pathetic
That I was squandering a very good thing
That I better get my shit together
Because you cant do anything without a degree these days

I regrouped and re-evaluated
Decided that I wanted it
Talked to an advisor
Faced the music
Fixed the situation

Enter Loretta
"You should move to Uptown Minneapolis"
"You are just playing house"
"Are you doing this for the right reasons"

And the seeds
Continue to be planted

I wish I could go for one week
Knowing what it is I want
Just seven days
Of knowing for certain

Whatever is done
Must be done for me
And no one else

I told her to stop paying the rent
Even though I have no money
I have to find a way to do it

Because it's not working

Shameless Plug and other News

2007-11-10T19:23:00.000-08:00

I had a meeting on Friday that puts my academic career at, I would say, 80% saved ... But I have to do a lot of kissing up and kowtowing, including an e-mail to my music professor that I think I will write tomorrow, with or without the aid of vodka.

Loretta is here. She was upset with me because I slept until 4 while she cleaned, but then we saw a play at the school after an excursion to the laundromat. It will be okay.

My job interview on Friday was postponed to Monday, because I am a dumb-ass and always try to catch the 4 at Franklin instead of staying on the 2 to Atlantic, and it is a recipe for disaster.

Oh, and on Tuesday, I'M ON TV!!! If you are in Manhattan, you can see me on Channel 34 at 9 PM EST, but if you are not in manhattan you can go to mnn.org and click on Channel 34 to watch it on Windows Media Player. We will be discussing teen issues and if teenagers are overly independent or overly co-dependent, and I will be going on and on about how much of a screw-up job my parents did while my mother is standing 20 feet away. Hmm ...

God Has Stopped Whispering

2007-11-09T02:38:00.000-08:00

"The world is very loud, and God whispers." -Wynonna Judd when appearing on Oprah
"That's a good quote" - Whitey, who was in the room at the same time while I was pretending I couldn't find the remote

"ask god
listen" - Rosie O'Donnell on her ask ro section, answering a difficult question from a fan

Today I am to meet with an academic advisor, one that had I met on the first day of classes, perhaps things would have been a lot different. I am currently on the fence as to whether or not I will save my academic career -- or if even can be saved. I have been flip-flopping by the hour.

My irritable bowel syndrome came back at the same time, and if you believe in mind-body connection, you would understand that this is not a coincidence. Sparing the grisly details, this involves a lot of toilet-flushing. A LOT. And at 4:35 this morning, my toilet decided that it could not take anymore, and decided to overflow and flood.

I quickly sprang to action, and despite the fact that I had no towels because I am a lazy-ass and haven't laundered them in too long, I used a plethora of paper towels and I cleaned up the mess. This is a sign! I told myself. This is God telling me that sometimes our lives give us messes, but if we have the strength we CAN clean them up! Never has anyone been so gleeful to clean a bathroom, and for half an hour I rehearsed telling this story to some non-believers some day, like I could be my very own Joel Osteen.

Then I went back to the toilet, thinking the problem had been "fixed", when it flooded again. My online research told me I need a plunger. I don't have a plunger. I don't have the funds to call a 24-hour plumber. Then a centipede as big as a Buick crawled across the wall, and I killed it with long-range roach spray like a shootist in an action film, but by God did that fucker die a slow death. I almost feel bad.

I really wrote this just to kill time, because I don't want to call my landlady at 5:40 in the morning and feel I should wait until at least six. But now I feel like my whole epiphany was wasted, because even though I cleaned up the mess the first time, I didn't have it in me to clean it up the inevitable second time. What if that was the message? Why am I basing my major life decisions by using my toilet as a metaphor? What happens when I have to poop again? Why me?

All of My Bullshit Excuses

2007-11-06T01:43:00.000-08:00

1. I'm too depressed. Well, I'm not depressed anymore, but clinically you could argue I was during that first month.

2. I'm not suicidal anymore either, but you could argue I was that first month too, and that takes a lot out of a person.

3. I think I have narcolepsy. No, really.

4. My IBS totally came back. Dr. Don would say it's not a coincidence.

5. In November of 2005, I entertained the idea of not returning to Stout after the third semester. When I chose to stay to finish sophomore year, it was because I wasn't ready to leave the people, and while I don't regret that decision, those months from January to May were also some of the darkest I ever had. What I am trying to say is that I really "checked out" about a year ago, in more ways than one.

6. In my mind, it was my only way out of Dodge.

7. I really didn't think it was gonna be that hard. I mean, I get it, school is hard. But I didn't know how lonely I would feel. I didn't know how the homey feel of UW-Stout, with its on-campus housing and on-site athletics and plethora of local businesses, would so greatly differ from City University of New York Brooklyn College, a commuter campus where people go to class for two hours, go back home, and ... that's it. No smiles and no hellos. I didn't know that I would not make any friends. I didn't know that I would get shushed when I would ask for directions. I didn't know that anything registration-related had more red tape than FEMA. I didn't know that by the time I knew who would hold my hand, it would be too late. I didn't know that it was not a coincidence that from eighth grade to my fifth semester in college, the only time interval in which I was actually successful and GOT MY ASS OUT OF BED AND WENT TO CLASS AND GOT A'S was when I was living with a strange boy from Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin who would shake my bunk in the morning and turn on CMT to get me going by 9:00. He had a birthday yesterday, by the way. Happy birthday, Whitey.

8. If I could do those first two months over again, I totally would. But I can't, and I can no longer do the "If I close my eyes it will all go away" routine so greatly used by my mother, who learned it from her mother, who I have no doubt learned it from hers. So this is the part when I face the music, when I talk to the registrars, tell them to either let me withdraw now or go halfsies for the rest of the semester, because it was all an illusion. And the illusion that I, who never worked hard in school a day in my life, could be a prestigious full-time student, that the illusion that I could actually amount to anything, the illusion that I could be worth all of the money and the hype, the illusion that I could actually function as an adult, has been thoroughly debunked.

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Viral Vendredi: RIP The Fabulous Moolah

2007-11-03T21:07:00.000-07:00

In memory of The Fabulous Moolah, who died at the age of 84. The following is a match she had on her 80th birthday, as promised to her by Vince McMahon -- and while the ending may seem in poor taste, it's a testament that at her age she loved taking "bumps" and being involved in high-profile angles.

So Much for the Afterglow

2007-10-29T23:44:00.000-07:00

November 2006
On the way back
From Chippewa Falls
One of the best nights of my life

I felt like a real person
I loved how I was not a jock
Not a Republican
Not from Wisconsin
Not like them at all
And yet it didn't matter

It was four of us in the car
And then down to two
He is driving me home
Ben Folds is playing

I am in the back seat
Like a child
Story of my life

He always made me smile
And it wasn't a crush thing
Like I may have loved him
But if I did it was as a person
Y'know

"Jakey where are you living next year"
"I'm not quite sure"
"Are you even gonna go here next year"
"I'm not quite sure"

"You're not sure about a lot of stuff, are you, Jakey?"

Ooh I remember we could talk about anything
I remember when we used to want to hang out
I remember when we could talk about anything
I remember when we used to want to hang out
I remember when we could talk about anything
I remember when we used to want to hang out

Windy City

2007-10-28T03:12:00.000-07:00

It is very windy this morning
In Brooklyn
I have no sweatshirts
Shivering like a Chihuahua
Life goes on

I will get employed this week
As if my life depends on it

My partner in music class hates me
And rightfully so
I believe it is proof
That this college thing
It's just not for me

I just don't have it in me
To work work work for two or three more years
And for what
A BFA does not get you work right away
Not in the same way that a business degree does

I told Loretta that I don't want to come home for Christmas
That I feel it's as if I am coming back pregnant
She told me it is like the equivalent

They are convinced I will somehow change my mind
But the damage is done
I made the decision a month ago
By not showing up
It's okay

"I don't want to get into it right now"
"We'll talk later"
My mother has hated my guts since I was 14
That comment is so completely unfair
But it is what it is

My girls from The UW
Are feuding profusely
In the movie in my mind
I decided to stay
As roommate #7
And I fix everything
Continue to be the glue

Bill O'Reilly sent his 12-year-old cameramen
To Rosie O'Donnell's book signing
Just to give her shit
I am more upset about it than she is
Not sure if that's logical

Grandma Shirley's opinion
Is the only one that hurts me

Viral Vendredi

2007-10-26T15:38:00.001-07:00

Both the best and worst soap storyline ever!

And don't forget to watch the special marathon Sunday night on SoapNet!

Page Six

2007-10-25T09:31:00.001-07:00

Apparently I made Page Six today:

CW STAR CONTINUALLY 'ADRIFT'

Rumors have it that Jakey, who famously spun off from The UW to star in Adrift in New York, will not be returning to his new college after one semester. "He hasn't been showing up to class," our source spills. "He's constantly been skipping." Our source claims that while Jakey doesn't have an alcohol problem has been speculated, the star has been battling with depression and a sleep disorder. But our source also shares some juicy background: "I don't think Jakey ever really cared about school, anyway. He just transferred because he knew it was his only way out." Jakey's publicist, E.E. McCloskey, would only cryptically offer, "Jakey's life continues to be in a transitional phase."

jeans

2007-10-22T17:48:00.000-07:00

I bought my first pair of jeans today. Well, three, because I am NOT going to use a KMart fitting room. I don't think KMart even has fitting rooms.

It's all for a potential job, because I need to pay my own rent.

There's a first time for everything.

Just Treat Me For Who and What I Am

2007-10-18T00:36:00.001-07:00

Eight years ago yesterday, Joanie Laurer became the first (and to date, only) female WWE Intercontinental Champion.

It's funny when I think about her. Not ha-ha funny, but a very sad funny. I idolized her at a time in my life in which I was very lost and confused as to who I was and when I was very easily defeated. Chyna influenced me because she overcame adversity, both real and fictional, and was celebrated for being different among her peers. I even did my eighth grade History Day project on her because the theme was Pioneers in History. Other kids did their projects on Bill Gates, Albert Einstein, and Susan B. Anthony. I did mine on the Ninth Wonder of the World.

Of course, Chyna later became a caricature of herself, and left the WWE in 2001. It is debatable whether or not she is better known for her accomplishments in wrestling or for the deformed genitalia she put on display in an ill-advised sex tape. She may not have been able to conquer her demons, but she became a very unlikely inspiration for a gawky, misguided gay 14-year-old to conquer his.

Viral Vendredi

2007-10-12T16:39:00.001-07:00

The most soaptastic clip ever!

frank & postsecret

2007-10-12T16:18:00.001-07:00

originally written last night:

went to the postsecret book signing today
in chelsea
it was unreal
as it was proof
that we are all connected

one of frank's secrets is in the first book
i will not say which one
but it's one of the saddest
he said he found it made him stronger
and he would relive the experience again

"an act of courage is contagious" he told us
god bless him and his strength
and everybody else and their acts of courage

sent a few more resumes tonite
will probs do target after all
it will be a busy day tomorrow
but it is friday

i am sober tonight
on a thursday
not used to it
but it's going to be okay

My Comedy Debut

2007-10-10T17:47:00.001-07:00

Last night in Chelsea, I went to a show called The Happy Hour and a Half and did five minutes of stand-up comedy! Stand-up comedy is something that I always wanted to do, but I would say "Oh, I'm going to do comedy" in the same way I would say "Oh, I'm going to join a gym." I never did it in Minneapolis, but once I arrived in NYC, I decided to join the literal millions of OTHER aspiring comics.

I performed in front of about six other people ... but they were the best six people anybody could ever have for their first audience! They are all actual working comedians, so it was a big honor for them to laugh at my stuff and they even gave me some pointers about the social networking aspect of NYC comedy after the show; one of them even said, "If we didn't think you were funny, we wouldn't be talking to you right now." Hooray!

You would think I'd be inspired, but then today I stayed in bed all day and missed the CUNY Proficiency Exam. Oops! But perhaps that was my 'rock bottom' moment, and tomorrow I will be in French I bright and early at 9:15, and on Friday I am going to suck up my pride and apply at Target, because some money is better than no money, and you know I love to wear red.

Peace out,

Jakey

To My Girls

2007-10-05T23:19:00.001-07:00

Our second season was truly glorious and memorable. I am sorry that I was living a double life during it. I know that I could have told you, and that you would have been there for me. I am sorry that my memories of Season Two cannot be one hundred percent blissful. But I hope someday you know that while it was both the best and the worst time of my life, it was you girls that made it the first one.

Love,
Your Former Costar

Viral Vendredi

2007-10-05T15:59:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KATE WINSLET

From "The Late Show with David Letterman" whilst promoting The Holiday

Happy Birthday, Neve!

2007-10-03T12:31:00.000-07:00

When I was just diving into adolesence and had a brief stint in heterosexuality, I was going to marry Neve Campbell, after seeing her cheering in the back seat of a convertible as it ran a red light, followed by marvelling at her ability to evade serial killers on multiple occasions, and perhaps most warmly, commit murder, have three-way sex and be the sole survivor of South Florida.. My best friend at the time was in love with Sarah Michelle Gellar, and for our birthdays and half-birthdays we would make each other montages of our fake lovers. The one he made me for my 13th birthday still adorns my old bedroom in Minneapolis.

Neve is now 34, on her second marriage, and allegedly still working. She will always be my first ... something.

As for who she was replaced with, that's later this month, kids.

Get Well Soon

2007-10-02T18:09:00.000-07:00

John Cena has been stripped of the WWE Championship after sustaining a pec injury last night during his match against Ken Kennedy. His 13-month reign was the longest in company history since Hulk Hogan from 1984-1988.

Even though no one reads this, and especially no one named John Cena reads this, Adrift in New York sends him get well wishes anyway.

Viral Vendredi

2007-09-28T19:28:00.000-07:00

AN ACOUSTIC VERSION OF THE OFFICIAL THEME SONG OF SEASON 2 OF "THE UW"
NOW AVAILABLE ON DVD

This Weekend in New York

2007-09-25T22:57:00.000-07:00

had a wonderful (albeit dramatic) weekend with Diva! She flew in on Friday to visit Amy, and the plan was for the two of them to do tourist-y stuff that day, and for the three of us to party on Saturday, and I fully planned on being an Asian sandwich and enjoying it.

At about 2 A.M. Friday night/Saturday morning, Diva was texting me saying she was bored at this lounge Amy had taken her to, and that Amy wouldn't leave and was getting more and more drunk (Diva has learned the hard way that her and alcohol are as good of a combo as me and algebra and therefore avoids it). I don't want to get into the extent of their feud because i was not there for it, but I will offer that when I went out with Amy, we had a third person with us, and when Amy did run off somewhere it wasn't as stressful. Regardless, Diva ended up taking a yellow cab from midtown Manhattan to my south central Brooklyn apartment at 4 in the morning.

The next day, we went to Borough Hall for some real Brooklyn pizza, napped, and then went TO THE CLUB! I wasn't sure what club was the best to go to, so I talked to my friend Felix. Felix is a thirtysomething guy who lives in New York City and I met him on a now-defunct online community a few years ago, when I was a teenager -- they don't exist anymore, but back then there were gay chat rooms where people would go to actually talk. He recommended a few clubs that were "girl-friendly" (meaning they're gay bars but girls don't get looked at like they farted in church). My rule of clubbing is as long as the group is three or more, I can go to any kind of club, but when I'm with just Diva, then I prefer a gay or mixed club because otherwise I have to spend the whole night cock-blocking and pretending I'm her boyfriend.

So, Diva and I ventured onto the 2 train in order to find one of the more famous Manhattan clubs, but because I am an idiot, the address was copied down wrong, and we were adrift in New York! We stopped at a McDonald's to eat and pee (not at the same time), and went through a subway underpass. On the way up, we were right outside of a gay bar! Diva and I are both very fate-oriented people, so we were convinced it was a sign of God and that we were meant to be at this bar. These feelings faded when we found out the cover charge was $20! But we still enjoyed ourselves, as I felt very fancy drinking absolut citron on the rocks, Diva got tactfully hit on by a lesbian, and I discussed politics with a shirtless hard-bodied Asian fella. In the truest miracle of the evening, we managed to get home safely and swiftly on the 4 AM subway!

(The boy I discussed politics with texted me this afternoon and at first I was going to serve, but then I realized that I do need clubbing buddies even though my financial situation won't allow me to do that for about a month anyway. Oh, the priorities of my life)

On Sunday, we had lunch at Planet Hollywood and then went to Toys 'R' Us to ride the ferris wheel, which I sadly had been anticipating ever since I found out Diva was going to visit. The Toys 'R' Us ferris wheel is like my thing that everyone that visits me has to go through. Every car is a certain toy or character, and I just know that when my father visits, we are going to end up in either the Barbie car or The Little Pony car, and it will be the best souvie pic ever! It was a busy Sunday afternoon, so Diva and I had to share the Toy Story car with two little girls. I quickly warned them that there was no switching seats and swinging the car. The 7-year-old girl, Sierra, was having her birthday and also, in a small world, celebrated it at the same restaurant we were at; her 11-year-old sister was scared of heights and mad at Sierra for rocking the car. Nevertheless, they were very nice young girls, although they did look at me strangely when I asked them to Facebook me.

Monday morning I had French class, and gave Diva the keys to my apartment after our Luigi's Pizza lunch that I had in between classes. I got home at 1:40, and at 1:50 the cab came to drive her to JFK airport. I walked upstairs and called Erin, and thank God Erin did not answer the phone and I quickly got distracted, because otherwise I would have had my first official New York cry. I was very sad when Diva left; not because I wasn't going to see her ever again or anything, but save for the time Eva stopped by the apartment and we went out for dinner, or the night I had with Amy and Jocelyn, I haven't interacted with anybody in the city, and I don't have any friends here, and I don't say that as a martyr or anything, but it is the reality of the situation. What I am trying to say is that, before Diva's visit, I was seriously fine with that -- but for the past two days I actually had somebody in my apartment, I had a reason to shut the door when I went to the bathroom, I had somebody to look at in the morning, I had somebody to do my belt so I could finally wear it since I have the fine motor skills of a pre-schooler. I suppose that having two days of companionship and then having it so swiftly taken away is a harder blow than not having any companionship at all.

Speaking of companionship, Amy and Diva "broke up", which is sad and selfishly awkward on my behalf (although Diva gave me blessing to pursue a friendship with Amy). I'm not gonna speak a lot about it because it's not my issue, but I will say that Diva is the only person in the world that is more impulsive and stubborn than I am.

Coming up on Adrift in New York:

Two job excursions!
Frankie Pitrellis galore!
And a possible major academic decision!

Viral Vendredi

2007-09-21T11:57:00.000-07:00

D'LO BROWN with mark henry vs. JEFF JARRETT with owen hart & debra

And a WWE superstar makes their debut ...