Wednesday, November 19, 2008

In Which I Begin to Forgive Myself

OK, so I'm just going to ramble in here because I don't write enough in here and I think writing is good for you, except for yesterday on the light rail when I had a notebook with me and I was writing my thoughts and I ended up writing "MY LIFE IS A WASTE" in giant letters.

I've made a lot of stupid choices in my life and I have to learn to move on so that I can make good choices in the future, but I also have to fotgive myself for making such stupid choices. If I am to believe that I was depressed for two years (which I was), then that is to believe that I was mentally ill. And I'm not saying that as an excuse to end all excuses -- after all, I could not commit murder or a bank and be released on my own recognizance upon telling police that I'm depressed -- but I am saying that to pat myself on the back a little bit. I wasn't Jakey ***** when I was in New York. I had been depressed for nearly a year by the time I was there, and then upon arrival I was like, "OKAY, CITY OF 8 MILLION! OKAY, COMMUTER CAMPUS WHERE I KNOW ABSOLUTELY NO ONE! WELCOME ME WITH OPEN ARMS! FIX ME!"

It didn't work that way. See, when I was a freshman at Stout, I was scared shitless, too -- but I was also naive, confident, and I put myself out there. I won the ThinkFast Trivia Challenge. I was in a sexually charged, provocative play. I floated around, and while I gradually did find my own posse (Season One of The UW to my most loyal readers), I still made sure to find friends and acquaintances from various groups.

I know if that Jakey had been in Brooklyn College, he could have made it. He would have tried out for the acting program in April, and either enrolled in that major if he made it or found another one to embrace. He would have finally been able to study something he had great passion for, and he would have excelled. Again, I'm not saying this to justify the fact that I had a great opportunity and completely blew it, nor to excuse the fact that I completely wasted $16,000 of my mother's precious pre-recession money; but I'm saying this to let myself down easy. I wasn't there. I wasn't myself. I had been broken, almost sleeping, for a very long time.

Of course, this does nothing to change where I am now: 22, living with my parents, working a 40-hour-a-week retail job, all talk and no action. I am also a disgusting hairy beast and can't afford the laser removal, but that is neither here nor there. I am gradually learning that the only person who held me back all these years was myself (and I always knew that, deep down), but I can only achieve my goals if I forgive that person first.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Gymnasts!

seats because I rule at TicketMaster. I was going to go with my friend Erin but she rolled her ankle while crossing the street downtown (I still think it's karma for not voting in the election), so my mom and I went with my Grandma! I AM SOOOO COOL. Okay, who was there?


Today I went to the US Gymnastics Team Tour at the XCel Energy Center! We had floor

Shawn Johnson is absolutely adorable! I just want to put her in my pocket and feed her bread crumbs. We all loved her even though she is from Iowa.



NASTIA is really good but one of her routines was to that AWFULLL song "Butterfly Kisses", that really creepy one about the dad and his daughter and how he hates that she's growing up, and you can listen to it thinking it's a beautiful song about Christian family values, or you can be me and think that it's about a Joe Simpson who is obviously in love with his own daughter. Uggggh.



Shannon Miller is still doing the tours. She won a medal in Atlanta! I was at the Atlanta games but didn't see gymnastics because we didn't have that kind of money. Instead I saw softball and baseball, and my father is on some Australian blooper sports reel because a softball was pretty much in his lap but he had binoculars so he couldn't tell and it bounced off his crotch and some other bloke caught it. *Sigh*




Does anyone remember Blaine Wilson? He competed in '00 and '04 and during one of those years he did really bad and they kept cutting to his sister crying in the stands, and they weren't happy PhelpsMama tears but like upset, sibling, "Why are you sucking so bad??" tears. He was very good tonight, though, and if you Google him that boy has done more shirtless pictures than Marky Mark.



The Hamm Brothers were there! They both got injured which is why the US Men's team was all rookies. They did a routine to "Stronger" by Kanye West and it was really cool, but their voices still creep me out, and I sound like Sarah Palin when I talk.

Anyway, gymnastics isn't a "gay" sport. You don't have to be gay or a girl to enjoy it is a legitimate sporting event or, in this case, an exhibition of athletic talent. These people work insanely hard and have insanely bangin' bodies that will just make you depressed. My point is that my buying expensive tickets and getting great seats to this show have absolutely nothing to do with "cute boys" or whatever.

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By the way, I LOVE YOU JONATHAN HORTON! I was so mad when the guy from the Gophers team dissed your Oklahoma! I still cheered when you missed that one landing! I loved that you were the only male gymnast to get his own solo routine and I was cheering the loudest! I love that you're a year older than me and that way I don't have to feel like a total creeper! It was so weird this afternoon because you had your shirt off the entire time and I was sitting next to my grandmother! I know you don't swing my way and if you did you would probably end up with someone who looks like Justin Spring anyway, but next time you're in town we should, y'know, go to a Twins game or whatever it is that .... guys ... do! You were my favorite Olympic athlete to watch this summer not because of your adorable Texas drawl or your admittedly bangin body but because while you were all of rookies and dreamers, when the cameras let us in you were always the one cheering the most and the loudest and trying to keep everybody positive even when things weren't going so great, and I felt that it was you that most exemplified your team's spirit of having hope and belief and never giving up and I think I need a drink of water!